Two Lives
by jugglequeen
Summary: Kathleen's news cast a dark shadow on the people living at 3344 Oak Hills Drive. Their lives are no longer in sync; will they ever be again some day?
1. Part One - Chapter 1

_**Author's note:** This story starts with a bang and some of you might ask yourselves whether this could ever be worked out. Well, wait and see..._

_As this story hasn't been proofread by a native speaker like my last one, please be so kind to overlook language and/or grammar mistakes. Reviews are always encouraging and highly welcome._

_**Disclaimer:** The original characters of "Who's the Boss" belong to ABC._

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**PART ONE**

**1**

He was on his way to break up with her. If he had been honest with himself - and with her - he shouldn't have started dating her in the first place. Let alone sleep with her. Why had he done that? He had spent a lot of sleepless nights trying to figure it out. How come he had never found the way to Angela's bed who had been sleeping just down the hallway for ages, but had landed in Kathleen's on their first night? The first night which hadn't really been a date after all but a learning session with his study group. Try as he might, he couldn't find an explanation for his behaviour. It had been Mona, the only person he had talked to about this sensitive matter, who finally had cleared Tony's head. He had been looking for an easy way out. Out of this unique, crazy, demanding and very nerve-racking relationship with Angela. Dancing around each other, growing closer, backpedaling when it had become too close, keeping it platonic, then again flirting like hell, insisting they were only friends, best friends even, being jealous nonetheless, ... the list could go on and on. He knew he had always been the one who had doubts, who couldn't commit himself, who was afraid to move on with their relationship. Not because he didn't love her but because he felt so minor compared to her, he felt like a bad catch. She would be able to have the most successful and affluent business executives as a husband, one of her kind, someone others would call a perfect match. How could he, an ex-pro baseball player, Brooklynite and still only high-school graduate ever fulfill her needs? He felt like an underbred plowhorse aspiring after a high class racehorse. Sometimes he marvelled what she saw in him, how such an extraordinary, superb and successful women could ever fall in love with him. And he? He didn't dare to admit, not even to himself, that he had always been loving her. Almost from the first day he had moved into that house. He not only loved her but adored and admired her. He knew that now, not that he had confessed it to her already, but he hadn't been so clear about that a few months ago when he had started to get involved with Kathleen. Now he had to get out of that relationship somehow before he would try to work things out with Angela.

Finally, after having taken every possible detour between Fairfield and Kathleen's apartment and gratefully obeying every speed limit on his way, Tony stood in front of her door. Breaking up was never easy, but he felt so guilty because he knew he had used her. Not on purpose, no, that was not his style, but he had definitely used her. He had used her as a means to get Angela out of his head, he had tried to find out whether he could be happy with another woman. Well, he couldn't. He had found that out! So he had to end things now before Kathleen would get too serious and he would hurt her too much. And last week, when he had met her father and she had talked about getting married and having kids, he had realized that she was indeed starting to take things very seriously. Since this evening he knew he had to right this wrong. It wouldn't be fair to leave her in the dark about his true feelings; she hadn't done anything wrong. It was him who had made a mistake. So ... no more procrastinating. He knocked at the door and waited. He had sweaty hands, a dry mouth and the lump in his throat had the size of a coconut. He heard her shout "Coming!", then Kathleen tore open the door and greeted him with a cheerful "Hi Honey!", ushered him inside with a flourish gesture, overlooking his stiffened face, and told him to sit on the couch.

"I have great news!" She showed him a huge smile. "You'll never guess what!" Her eyes were sparkling and her face was glowing. Tony began to get nervous. He noticed the way she was beaming and asked himself why. But before he could come up with any idea she started to speak again. "Something wonderful has happened! ... I'm pregnant!" Her eyes were filled with tears of joy and she threw herself into his arms. He felt the earth opening under his feet. If it only swallowed him up! Pregnant? Was she serious?

"Pregnant? I thought we took precautions?" That was all he could say. She pulled back, but she was so overwhelmed that she didn't notice he was surprised in a rather aghast than cheerful way.

"Well, ...", she begann, "I might have forgotten to take one Pill or another ..." She looked at her hands and then at him bashfully, like a little girl who confessed having had her hands in the cookie jar.

"Are you sure you're pregnant?" Tony still hoped it was nothing else than a misunderstanding. He had come here to break up with her and now she was telling him she was expecting a baby.

"Yes, I _am_ sure. I had a positive pregnancy test and went to my gynecologist. And look what he gave me." She handed him an ultrasound picture. He looked at it and couldn't believe what he saw. On this small sheet of paper there was the picture of an almost readily developed baby: two arms, two legs, the spine. This being already looked like a baby. His baby? For a very brief moment he felt a slight ray of joy rushing through his body. Once in a while, he had been daydreaming of becoming a father again. He had enjoyed Marie's pregnancy very much and remembered the overwhelming happiness he had felt holding Samantha in his arms for the first time. As he grew older he sometimes had been afraid time would run out and it would be too late some day for another fatherhood.

"We're having a baby, Tony! Isn't that wonderful?", Kathleen exclaimed. Suddenly he realized what this meant. It struck him like lightning - he would have to marry her. He was a responsible and honourable man. And he was Catholic! He knew what his obligations were. Of course he had to marry her and let this child be legitimate. He owed it to Kathleen and he owed it to his unborn child. Those were obviously the consequences he had to bear for the decision to get involved with this woman. But he wasn't ready to propose tonight, not before he had a chance to speak to Angela. Angela! How was he supposed to tell her about the baby? He had difficulties to think straight. His pulse was running and little drops of cold sweat began to form on his forehead. He was somehow able to say "Yes, that's wonderful, Kathleen." Later, he couldn't recall how he had been able to keep up the façade. But he had weathered the following hours although his mind had been running amok and his head had been spinning endlessly. Kathleen was so exuberantly happy that she didn't notice Tony's somewhat reserved reaction to her news.

When he finally grabbed his jacket and said goodbye, she hugged him passionately. "Oh Tony, we're going to have a wonderful family. I'm so happy!" Tony looked for an excuse to get out of that apartment. He needed time to process the news properly.

"I really have to go now, Kathleen. I'm having a tough exam tomorrow. I'll call you when I'm back from school, okay?"

She gave him a kiss, hugged him and opened the door for him. "Okay, Sweetheart. Good luck. I love you!"

"Yes, thank you. See you tomorrow." He kissed her on the cheek and backed out. After the door had been closed and he heard Kathleen had locked it, he leaned against the wall, closed his eyes and tried to get his breathing back under control.


	2. Part One - Chapter 2

**2**

Tony didn't know for how long he had been standing on the porch with his key in his hand. He had already put it into the lock to open the front door several times but his arm felt as if it was made of concrete and he wasn't able turn the key. He just didn't know how to confront her, how to tell Angela about Kathleen's pregnancy. One more deep breath and he opened the door, hoping everybody was in bed already. Well, he should have known better! Of course she was still sitting on the couch, papers on her lap, huge glasses on her nose, her hair in a messy ponytail, and greeted him cheerfully after he had closed the door behind him.

"Hi Tony, nice you're back. How was your evening?" It still broke her heart every time he spent the evening with Kathleen but she always tried to hide it from him. She wanted him to find out by himself whether he really wanted to be with this woman and she silently prayed that one day he'd decide to break up with her. Angela was willing to wait for him, although it was damn hard to stay at the sidelines. But throughout all the years of secret yearning for someone, beginning in her teenage years, she had acquired respectable skills of controlling her feelings and remaining patient. As he didn't answer her greeting and moreover didn't chide her for working this late, she put her glasses down and walked up to him.

"You look pale, Tony. Is something wrong? Are you sick?" She put a hand on his forehead to check whether he was running a fever and was alarmed. "Your skin is all damp and cold. What's the matter?"

"Uh ... Angela ..." He didn't know how to start. He scuffed over to the couch and let his body fall onto it.

"Tony, speak! You're making me nervous!" Angela stared at him. She had never seen him like this before, so out of mind, so deranged, so tense.

"She's pregnant.", he threw at her, his voice sounded mechanic and monotonous. He knew he should've at least tried to tell her more gently but he wasn't able to say it any other way. No matter what he said or how he put the words the result would be the same anyway.

Angela stopped breathing when she heard the word 'pregnant'. Desperately hoping she was jumping to wrong conclusions she whispered "Who?" but one look into his eyes and she knew her worst apprehensions had come true.

"Oh."

She understood instantly what this meant for her. She had lost him. He was a decent man, he would never leave a pregnant woman alone but rather accept his responsibility as a father. Now she also fell onto the couch, right beside him, as her knees weakened.

"Angela, tonight I drove to Kathleen's to break up with her! I wanted to end our relationship but after she told me she's pregnant ... how could I? I haven't expected anything like this at all! And I don't understand how this could happen." He was still puzzled and felt no connection between his brain and his heart.

"Well, Tony, there is only one way." Angela said, not hiding the sarcasm in her voice. She had to bit her tongue to prevent adding 'What did you think would happen if you slept with someone?'

"Yes, thanks for pointing that out!" Did she really think he didn't know? Were her harsh words just the foretaste of what was going to come? "But there are also means to prevent a pregnancy and I thought we applied them!"

A disturbing feeling began to crawl up Angela's spine as she remembered one encounter with Kathleen several weeks ago. Kathleen had become very protective of her relationship to Tony and had begun to see Angela as a regular intruder. It bothered her that her boyfriend spent more hours of the day with his boss than with her - which would have been okay if his boss hadn't been an attractive woman; a bit older than herself though but still a valuable threat. And she sensed there was chemistry between them, this wasn't a usual employer-employee relationship. She envied their close connection and six year history of deep friendship. The way Tony spoke of Angela revealed admiration and care and compassion and a lot of other things Kathleen rather wanted to see in his eyes when he spoke of her. All this hadn't gone unnoticed by Angela who had also begun to see Kathleen as a potential threat. There was envy on her side as well; he had made love to her and not only once in an impulsive mood which she would have been able to forgive. From her he had withdrawn several times over the years and had given her reasons he had now obviously so easily thrown overboard with Kathleen. It felt like a punch into her stomach every time she thought about it. And so the two women had steadily moved into a subtle fight for Tony. Kathleen, of course, was having the upper hand being his 'official' girlfriend. And she knew how to use it! She would constantly rub it under Angela's nose, mentioning the romantic, physical and passionate aspects of their relationship whenever and wherever possible. And Angela had become a master of ruining these romantic, physical and passionate aspects. As if she had developed a sixth sense she managed to call at Kathleen's exactly the second they were starting to make out on the sofa to ask Tony some 'important' questions about the household: "Tony, why didn't you buy any macadamia nut brittle ice cream?", "Tony, where is the dishwasher detergent?", "Tony, don't forget to pick up my red business suit from the dry cleaner's tomorrow." Life saving things like this. And over the phone she could practically see Kathleen rolling her eyes and that gave her a short but comforting satisfaction.

When Tony told her he couldn't understand how Kathleen had become pregnant Angela had to think about a conversation with her which took place about two or three months earlier. Actually, it had been Tony's weekend off and Kathleen had expected him to only care about her and no one else for the entire two days. Angela had planned to work for a huge campaign for one of her most important clients and had told him she would stay overnight at the city in order to save the time commuting back and forth between Fairfield and New York. Tony knew her, he knew she would be working too much, too long, too hard, without eating properly or even bothering to take a break once in a while. And the work week following, as the constant tiredness resulting out of this power weekend would drain all the energy out of her, she would regret it. So he had suggested to Kathleen to spend the weekend in New York. He had figured out a nice itinerary for the two of them, yes, but he had also planned to drop by Angela's office to cater her a healthy meal and offer some distraction. Kathleen had been fuming inwardly. When she and Angela had been alone for a short moment she had told her with narrow eyes, "You know what, Angela? Next time you give your housekeeper a weekend off, I would appreciate if he really had time off! I don't want to come here and watch my boyfriend serving you lunch while we could be sailing on a boat or having picnic in the woods or doing ... something else." She stressed the last words in a way which left no doubt what she was referring to.

"Oh, Kathleen, I didn't ask Tony to serve me lunch. He's here on his own free will. He's not a slave that I order to be at my service 24/7. He was just doing a friend a favour. What's wrong with that?" Angela sounded sugar sweet, slightly looking down on her as she already was a bit taller than Kathleen and her natural body height was further enhanced by her 4-inch high heels. Her business clothes had always boosted her self-esteem and she was glad she had chosen this power outfit on this very day. The formal clothing gave her an aura of authority and strength which she highly appreciated just now as Kathleen was rather casually dressed in a washed-out pair of jeans, a baggy sweater and worn-out sneakers.

"There's nothing wrong with that. I just want my boyfriend to be with me on his days off and not with his _boss_!" She choked out the last word and looked at Angela combatively and very determined. She was a bit intimidated by Angela's appearance but it rather challenged than silenced her.

"Well, I don't think you can force Tony to spend his spare time only with you." Angela was ready to fight as well.

"You bet I can! I'll find a way to make him concentrate on me and only me!" 'You'll see what I mean, I promise. And if I succeed he's mine!', Kathleen thought and only grinned smugly. The last statement had given Angela goosebumps, it had sounded like a declaration of war. And had she been able to read Kathleen's mind she would've been terrified.

'Was this her stratagem?', Angela thought, still clutching the armrest of the couch where she had been sitting since Tony had broken the news to her. 'Getting pregnant in order to bind Tony to her?' "You mean it was an accident?" She wanted the last word to sound unbiased. Tony was already so troubled she didn't want to worry him even more with her presumptions. Moreover, they were only presumptions, there was no way she could be sure, let alone prove, she was right. She tried to ease the tension a bit and said to him, "So, you're going to be a father again." She laid her hand on his arm and squeezed it gently. "Are you looking forward to it?"

A slight smile passed over his face. He pictured himself with his newborn baby in his arms, rocking it and singing his favorite lullabies. "Yes", he admitted hesitantly. "I am. I've always wanted to have another child. But I've always assumed that if I ever had another child it would be with y- ... uh ... another woman. I never thought of starting a family with Kathleen. At least not until tonight!"

Angela's eyes began to fill with tears and she had to struggle to keep them from falling. She also had been fantasizing about having a child with him. Not only being a surrogate parent like she was for Sam and he for Jonathan, but both 'real' biological parents to the baby. It would have been wonderful to have a connection with him like this. Well, it wasn't going to be, at least not for her. Kathleen was going to have this connection with Tony.

"What am I gonna do, Angela?" He sounded desperate. "I guess I have to marry her."

His last sentence hang in the air for a long time, unanswered.


	3. Part One - Chapter 3

**3**

After a sleepless night and a college exam which he would definitely fail Tony called Kathleen the following morning, went over to her apartment and told her they should get married. She was overwhelmed, flung her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. "I'm soooo happy, Tony.", she whispered into his ear. "We should set a date pretty soon, before my belly will be too big. I don't want to look like a walrus on my wedding pictures." Kathleen was blissfully happy at the prospect of marrying Tony. She was very fond of him and had always dreamt of a husband like him: funny, good-looking and masculine, with a soft heart, compassionate and considerate. She was well aware he didn't love her as deeply as she loved him but she thought they might get closer as soon as they were a little family of three. She was sure he would be a wonderful father. His relationship to his almost grown-up daughter, whom he had raised without her mother, had always impressed her. Her father had been the demanding and strict kind of father and had shown her his warm and loving side only very rarely. She had also been brought up without her mother and had wished her father could have been a bit more like Tony. Her child would have a magnificent father!

Kathleen was also pleased that she had managed to keep Tony for herself. His relationship to his 'boss' had worried her. The first time she had been in that house and had seen the two of them together she had felt there was far more between them than just a business relation. And when Angela had invited her over after her first night with Tony, not knowing they had slept with each other, she had observed how uneasy Tony was, being in a room with her and Angela at the same time. And she didn't need to eavesdrop at that swinging door to guess what sort of talk the two of them were having. When Tony had come out of the kitchen to let the rest of their study group in, she could practically read "I betrayed her" in his eyes. And when Angela had followed a short time later, excusing herself and hurrying towards her study, the agony and disappointment in Angela's eyes hadn't gone unnoticed by her either. Her eyes spoke volumes too and they said "he betrayed me". At that moment the last penny had dropped; they would be three people in this relationship. But she had been very positive to be able to come up with a strategy to come out on top.

This strategy hadn't included making him the father of her baby from the very beginning. First, she had just lured him out of that house and had tried to spend time with him far away from Fairfield. She had suggested to spend the weekend sleeping over at her place as he usually had the weekends off. But sure enough, he didn't have strictly scheduled working hours like in an office. You could never exactly tell when his working day was over and when it started. That kept annoying her. Meeting Angela had become more and more uncomfortable and she could sense how Angela's first friendliness slowly turned into dislike and eventually even hostility. Well, their resentment of each other was two-sided. Kathleen had finally realized she had to pull off the silky gloves and figure out a way to drag Tony out of Angela's range of influence.

She hadn't forgotten to take the Pill on purpose the first time. But when she had failed to bring it on a romantic two-day-trip with Tony to the mountains, a plan had begun to form in the back of her head. Only after her ugly argument with Angela in her agency, when Tony had cared more about her working too long than about spending the weekend with his girlfriend, she had started to consciously implement this plan. And being as young and healthy as she was she didn't have to wait too long and continuously lie to him about her contraceptive efforts. She knew she had been deceiving him but what had her father always told her cutting off every argument they had about untruthful military strategies? "All's fair in love and war, Dear!" So, she had used a trick not fully fair but why did men always rely on women for contraception? If he left birth-control totally to her, well, then he would have to live with the consequences ...


	4. Part One - Chapter 4

**4**

The following days, they started to plan the wedding. They agreed to keep it small and intimate, only attended by the inner family circle. Both Kathleen's and Tony's inner family circle were rather small. Kathleen only had her father and a distant aunt to come to the ceremony. For Tony, Sam was his only close relative. The rest of his family was either dead or lived in Italy. Of course he wanted Mrs. Rossini to come to his wedding, and needless to say, Mona, Jonathan and Angela.

"Honey, I understand that you want to have Mrs. Rossini at our wedding. She practically raised you and supported you with Samantha after your wife had died. But why would you want to invite your former boss and her family?" Tony only heard 'former boss' which made his heart skip a beat. Of course Kathleen would ask him to move out of the house and move in with her but why would he need to quit his job?

"What do you mean _former_ boss? I need to make some money, don't I? You will stop working eventually when the pregnancy proceeds and then we'll have to rely on my income.", Tony pointed out.

"You could look for another job, you know, a little closer to our place. Would save you from commuting all the way to Fairfield every day." That wasn't her true point, of course. She wanted him out of Angela's house and Angela out of his life for good.

"But I'll never find a well-paid job like this which still leaves me enough time to attend my college classes!" Tony became a bit antsy. His life was well organised, every aspect of it fit together like slot and key. If you changed one thing, the entire construction would collapse.

He knew his argument sounded fairly reasonable but his real motif was of course another one; if he quit his job and moved out of the house, he wouldn't be spending the everyday life with his family any more. And they were his family! He remembered the time he had gotten canned by Angela's ex-husband and had moved into an elderly lady's house with Samantha to work as a household manager. He had been very miserable without them, and that had only been during his first year at the Bower household. Angela and Tony had been employer and employee back then, barely friends. Now everything was different. They were much closer now, best friends and soul mates and life companions and ... and? More than once they had been on the verge of becoming lovers, only that he had chickened out all the time. He had always thought they never had a real chance as a couple because they were so different - only until lately. Lately, he had built the courage to at least play with the thought of confiding in her. But he had wanted to break up with Kathleen first; well, it had never come this far. He wouldn't break up with Kathleen but marry her, thus denying a future together with Angela - if there had ever really been a future for them.

Kathleen wouldn't accept any argument. She didn't want him to stay Angela's housekeeper - basta! End of discussion! If Tony was honest with himself, he knew it indeed was better this way. Being engaged to one woman and sitting at the kitchen table with another woman in a bathrobe would be far more than inappropriate. The neighbours had been gossiping for years already, an 'entanglement' like this would probably make it to the local newspaper. Joanne Parker would live up to her reputation as the moral authority of the neighbourhood and would use this complacently as a confirmation of the rumors she had been spreading all these years.

Tony was a little worried though whether he would find a new job so easily. He was an ex-athlete, ex-fish truck driver and soon ex-housekeeper. That didn't make an impressive resumé. And nobody would pay him as well as Angela and give him the freedom to schedule his errands to fit in between college classes. But for the sake of the domestic harmony he accepted Kathleen's wish and promised to look for a new job. He sighed and a sudden dejection clasped his heart. His life would be turned upside down in the aftermath of the decision to start dating Kathleen these few months ago .

Kathleen was satisfied she had cleared the job-matter with Tony. She also had a precise vision about whom she wanted to have at her wedding - or rather whom she didn't want to see there: Angela. She actually felt a bit sorry for Tony because she knew he really wanted the entire Bower family to be there but she was having that recurring nightmare where Angela stood up during their vows shouting through the church "Stop, they can't get married. Tony is in love with me, not with her!" She knew she was childish about this. Angela was well-educated and had perfect manners, she would never do such an embarrassing thing. But then, people did the most peculiar things out of love. So she insisted to take them off the invitation list. "It wouldn't be fair, Tony, if there were five guests from your side and only two from mine! Let's keep it to the family, _real_ family. Honey, please!" She looked at him the exact same way she had always looked at her father when she had wanted to get her will - it had worked then and it worked now. To prevent any further argument Tony agreed although he knew it would break his heart. He couldn't imagine making it through the day without Angela. She had backed him at so many official occasions, like when he had asked for his grandfather's post-mortem naturalization or when he had given that public speech in Congress. She had given him the confidence he needed for his oral exam at the public speaking class by sitting in the front row. How was he supposed to withstand this day without her support? He would have to figure that out.

When he told Angela about the plans for the wedding, she wasn't too surprised after all that Kathleen didn't want to see her there. As a matter of fact, she even was relieved she wouldn't have to witness her secret love marrying another woman. Putting up a brave front in church while they were taking the marriage vows would be damn hard. She was a master of self-control but this definitely would stretch her abilities to the limit. On the other hand, Tony and she had shared every important moment of the other in the past six years and it made her a bit sad she would miss such an important day as his wedding day. The fact that she wasn't to be the bride eased her mind though but she noticed Tony was heartbroken about it and couldn't help but feel sorry for him.


	5. Part One - Chapter 5

**5**

It was the night before their wedding. Kathleen had insisted on the tradition that bride and groom slept in different places, so she had decided to stay with her father and aunt in a hotel, leaving the apartment to Tony. For him it seemed a bit ridiculous given the fact that she was six months pregnant and he was the father of the baby, but eventually he had agreed to play that little charade. What he didn't know was that Sam had told Angela about his solitude on this particular night. Sam wasn't sure how this marriage would turn out and what her feelings were about it. She would never be able to see Kathleen as a surrogate mother. Angela had taken over that part soon after she had moved from Brooklyn to Connecticut; a pubescent teenager in desperate need for a female role model and a confidante whom she had found in her father's boss. Somehow, Sam had always thought Angela and her dad would be marrying one day; they had been living like a married couple for the longest time. Well, almost like a married couple, one important part was missing, but Sam had always thought it was only a matter of time until even this would become a reality. In her eyes, Kathleen was an intruder who destroyed their carefully built family structure. But sure enough she knew her father also played a part in this and she held him personally responsible for changing everybody's lives so dramatically. At the beginning, she had even liked Kathleen and had accepted her as the woman who was dating her father. She wasn't so much older than her, they shared similar interests and listened to the same kind of music. But when Tony had told her about the pregnancy and wedding, she had been stunned. She was still having problems to accept Kathleen as the future wife of her dad. She was very much looking forward to becoming an elder sister, though. She had always regretted that she was an only child. Although Jonathan had been like a brother to her, it would be different with this kid who'd be a 'real' sibling, even if only a half-brother or sister.

One thing Sam hold against Kathleen was that she tried to drive a wedge between Angela and her father. How could she be so mean to the man she said she loved? Why wouldn't she allow him to keep his friendship with Angela? Sam wasn't a child anymore and was able to envision the underlying jealousy a profound friendship like Tony and Angela's evoked in Kathleen, but if she just knew her future husband a little and trusted him, she would be sure enough he would never disrespect, let alone betray his wife. So, she had told Angela Tony would be alone in their apartment the night before the wedding. As Angela hadn't been invited, it would be the last chance for her father to get the personal support from his best friend he needed for the upcoming day.

Tony was sitting on the couch of Kathleen's little apartment staring at the TV, switching from channel to channel but neither seeing nor hearing anything. He was looking right through it. 'So tomorrow's the day.', he thought. The last three months had gone by like an express train. They had planned the wedding, they had looked for a bigger apartment they would soon move into before the baby's birth, he had accompanied Kathleen to the gynecologist for the regular check-ups and had seen ultrasound pictures of his baby ... and there had been the day he moved out of 3344 Oak Hills Drive. Angela had decided to be elsewhere the day he cleared the last box out of his room. She knew she wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him closing the door behind him. So it had only been Mona and Jonathan who hugged him goodbye. Mona had tears in her eyes and Jonathan hadn't said a word. Tony had tried to lighten up their mood a little - "We'll stay in touch! You won't get rid of me so easily!" - but nobody had laughed. The three of them knew his move-out would be a caesura in their family relationship and it would never be the same. And absent Angela had dreaded the next morning, the first morning without Tony greeting her upon entering the kitchen - "Morning Angela! Coffee and orange juice, as always?". Sometimes, she just hoped to eventually wake up from this nightmare.

Tony had mixed feelings about the wedding. Although Kathleen and he had grown closer and he was looking forward to the life he would be sharing with her and their little baby, he also realized he wasn't as overwhelmed and joyful in anticipation about marrying her as he had been marrying Marie. And he knew why; he was marrying her out of responsibility rather than out of love. If she hadn't become pregnant, he wouldn't have proposed. Well, that was the way life went! But he was willing to make the best of it, he was willing to raise this baby and be a good husband. He was still staring through the TV when suddenly there was a knock at the door. Tony frowned as he didn't expect any company. Besides, he hadn't told anybody he would be alone. No wait, he had told Sam. 'Maybe it's Sam who came to distract me?', came to his mind and he cheerfully jumped up and rushed to the door. He tore it open, "Sam, how nice of you to join- " the rest of the sentence never made it out of his mouth as he spotted her.

"Angela?"

Turned to stone, he stared at her as if she was a vision. It couldn't be her, could it? Was he going nuts? He felt as if he was dying with thirst in the desert making out a Fata Morgana at a distance.

"May I come in?", he heard a warm voice say, a familiar voice. So, he wasn't hallucinating after all.

"Oh, sure. Sure!" He ushered her inside with an awkward gesture and kept staring at her.

"How did you know Kathleen's not here?", he managed to ask.

"Sam told me.", she stated crisply.

She appeared very composed and calm, Tony thought. He was the complete opposite. His heart was beating, his pulse was running, he had sweaty palms and a dry mouth. He was angry with himself. So many times during the past weeks he had wished to see her and now that she was standing right in front of him he wasn't able to think straight, let alone speak properly.

"Uhm, ... can I offer you a drink?" That would give him some time to pull himself together.

"No, thanks."

Damn!

Angela took a few steps into the living room, her back turned towards him. He could see how she inhaled deeply before she turned around, then she looked him straight in the eye and said, "Since I won't be there tomorrow I came tonight to give you this." She handed him a small box, nicely wrapped in blue paper with a small white ribbon on top.

"A wedding present? Doesn't look like you chose the electric skillet from our gift list." He tried to ease the tension with this lame joke because his pulse was still hammering like a sewing machine.

"No." She wasn't laughing at all. "It's just for you."

Was she really as calm as her voice sounded? She stood there like a tower of strength, upright and steadfast. He admired her self-discipline.

"For me? Shall I open it now?"

"Yes, please." She looked at him affirmatively. "Open it."

Tony took off the ribbon and the wrapping paper and found a velvety box. It looked just like the one he had put in the breast pocket of his tuxedo earlier that day with the wedding band he would put on Kathleen's finger tomorrow. He swallowed. What was she giving him? He had no clue whatsoever. He looked at her, she nodded and he slowly opened the box. He found a pair of golden cuff-links with blue enamel on top. They looked very classy, very exquisite, and very expensive.

"Wow, they're awesome!" He carefully took out one cuff-link as if it was a raw egg and looked at it, amazed by such a refined piece of jewelry.

"They're my father's.", Angela whispered with a soft voice. Tony looked up at her and found her eyes filled with tears. Her well-kept composure began to fall apart but she went on with what she had planned to say. "He wore them at his wedding. Mother gave them to me after he had died. I wanted to give them to Michael for our wedding but couldn't give them away then and kept them in the safety deposit box at the bank ever since. ... Now, I want you to have them."

"That is a very precious gift, Angela. I can't possibly accept your father's cuff-links."

"You have to, Tony. I really want you to have them.", she insisted. "I thought, if you wore them tomorrow, it would be as if a part of me was with you although I won't be there in person." At the last sentence she let go of her self-control, her voice cracked and a single tear ran down her cheek.

"Angela, this is the most thoughtful and personal gift anyone ever gave me! I'd be honoured to wear your father's cuff-links. But are you sure you want to give them away? You could also lend them to me. Then something blue is the only thing I still need because I already have a new pair of shoes. You don't have a blue garter with you by any chance, do you?" Another lame joke.

"I've been thinking about this for a long time, Tony. I can't think of a better occasion to give them away or another person to have them. I didn't want to give you some kitchen gadget as a wedding present but something personal which equals the depth of our friendship."

"You're abashing me, Angela." He felt cheerful about this special present but also utterly devastated about how their situation had turned out. Things would've been different for them, if he hadn't started ... well, there was no use in racking his brain about the past now!

"That wasn't my intention at all. You're just very special to me, Tony, and you marrying Kathleen doesn't change that. I hope I only lost you as my housekeeper and not also as my best friend."

He could see how sad she actually was. He knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do but he couldn't help pulling her into a compassionate embrace. She closed her eyes and only hesitantly put her arms around his waist. They didn't know how long they stood like this when they eventually both pulled away. She desperately wanted to kiss him but gathered the bit of strength and self-control she had left to only smile at him and gently stroke his cheek.

"I wish you the best of luck, Tony. I really wish you to be happy, you deserve it. I know you'll be a wonderful husband and father. Kathleen and the baby are lucky to have you. Just don't forget me, okay?! I hope we can maintain our friendship somehow, in a different way maybe, but I need to know there's this person I can count on."

All the hardship and darkness of the past months since Tony had told her he would be marrying Kathleen now took the better of Angela. She gave him a hasty kiss on his cheek, rushed through the room, tore the door open and disappeared right through it without any further goodbye or looking back. Tony stood in the middle of the room, the box with the cuff-links in his hand, the sensation of her kiss still on his cheek, petrified. What had happened that he had lost the complete control over his life? He felt like some kind of supernatural force was pushing him around. He clutched the little velvety box and held it against his chest. He would wear those cuff-links tomorrow no matter what Kathleen had to say about it!


	6. Part One - Chapter 6

**6 **

The wedding was nice and joyful. Kathleen looked beautiful in her wedding dress, with flowers in her hair and her rounded belly. She was beaming and started to cry when the pastor eventually called them Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Micelli. They only thing which had threatened to spoil her day was the fact that Tony had insisted on wearing Angela's cuff-links. First, she had tried to talk him out of it but soon had realized he wouldn't give in this time. So she had swallowed her pride and had left him this little connection to his former life. After a short while she had forgotten all about it as she was so caught up in the ceremony. This was _her_ day and nobody, especially not Angela, would take that away from her. Tony also enjoyed the intimate ceremony. Sam and Mrs. Rossini were there and of course the latter was crying the entire time, frequently sobbing so loud he almost missed the cue for his vow. In the lack of Angela Sam was being his anchor this day. She looked just like her mother on her wedding day and gave Tony the emotional support he needed. He felt relieved when the pastor finally announced them husband and wife and ... yes, happy ... in a way at least. The sensation was very different from his first wedding. Then he had been overflowing with joy and happiness, this time he was ... what? Glad? Delighted? Pleased? He didn't know exactly and that made him worry a bit. Had he made the right decision? Had there been any other possibility, other than actually marrying her? He shook his head to clear his mind. 'Anthony Morton Micelli', he told himself, 'stop thinking this inappropriate stuff! You've just promised to honour and cherish this woman, behave accordingly!' So he put everything else in the back of his mind and focused only on their little celebration. It was a strategy he would frequently be making use of in the years to come ...

Two weeks after the wedding, Kathleen and Tony moved into their new apartment. It had a bedroom with a small adjacent room they would turn into a nursery, a nice kitchen and a spacious living room where they would also put the dinner table. It was nice and cozy, situated in a friendly neighbourhood and the rent was affordable. Kathleen was still working as a waitress but would stop in a few weeks. Angela had been generously paying him for another three months after he had quit his job - she had called it a 'bonus gratification in appreciation of his year long loyalty' but he had taken it for what it was, a shot in the arm to ease his start as the breadwinner for his family. First, he didn't want to take it but decided otherwise after he couldn't manage to find a new job right away. After a few unsuccessful applications he got a job at the local grocery store as a stock logistics manager. He didn't earn as much as before and working hours were strict but his work place was just around the corner of their new apartment so he saved a lot of time because commuting wasn't necessary. He joined Kathleen at her pregnancy check-ups and went with her to prenatal classes. He hadn't attended Sam's birth, being rather unusual for fathers these days, so he was looking forward to this new experience although he had a bit mixed feelings about it.

Tony began to accommodate with his new life. 'This is how it's meant to be.', he sometimes told himself. 'You live together with your wife, you go to work Monday through Friday to make some money, you start a family.' He was very busy and didn't have much time to think too much about his former life in Connecticut. He met his Brooklyn buddies once in a while and his life was very much like it had been when he was married to Marie. It almost seemed as if his time in Fairfield had been nothing but an interlude and he had returned to the kind of life originally meant for him. Like if he had been allowed to taste a life style that wasn't supposed to be his. What was he thinking anyway? That he belonged there? That he fit in there? In this classy and elitist circle of people? No, his place was here, in Brooklyn, where his grandparents had lived, where his parents had lived and where he had lived with Marie and Sam. Sam! Well, he didn't want her to continue his tradition. He pictured her future rather like Angela's than his. She would hopefully be the first Micelli to work in a business suit. Angela had thought that of him too, that was why she had encouraged him to enroll at Richmand. He had been neglecting his college classes the last months as he had been so busy reorganising his life. Well, he could resume his studies any time.

Four weeks before her due date Kathleen stopped working. They would get some money while she was on the official maternity leave but soon would be dependent on his wage only. So he asked his boss for some extra shifts which meant he had to work longer in the evenings and even on some Saturdays. His life only consisted of working, caring for his heavily pregnant wife and sleeping. Then, ten days before the baby was due, Kathleen's water broke one Sunday morning and he drove her to the hospital. Tony was excited, soon he would hold his newest offspring in his arms. Although Kathleen was young and healthy and hadn't suffered any complications during her pregnancy, labour didn't go well and after a couple of hours, when the heartbeat of the baby weakened, the doctors decided for an emergency caesarean. Tony was devastated as this meant he could not witness the delivery but had to wait outside the surgery until everything was over. He felt fear crawling up his spine, pacing up and down the aisle, fear for Kathleen and their unborn child. But eventually the delivery nurse peeked out of the surgery and waved him to come in.

"Congratulations, Mr. Micelli. You have a healthy daughter." The nurse smiled at him and pushed him towards a little bassinette. Tony instantly fell in love with his little baby girl. She looked totally different from Sam, but as beautiful. She had rosy cheeks, blue eyes, a button nose and a bit of ... _blond_ hair. Well, she really looked different from Sam. But sure enough, Marie had also been Italian, so of course their child had dark hair and brown eyes. But this baby here was so cute!

"May I take her out?", Tony asked the nurse.

"Sure. This your first child, isn't it? Shall I show you how to hold her?" Of course the nurse assumed she would be his first child just like she was Kathleen's first.

"No, thanks! It's my second, actually. It's been a while but I think I still know how to do it." He smiled at her and took the baby out of the bassinette. He looked at her in awe, smelled that delicious newborn scent and started rocking her. He was a father again, what a great feeling that was! Kathleen had already told him that if the baby turned out to be a girl she wanted to name her Gwendolyn after her mother. Tony didn't really like the name but couldn't possibly deny her this wish. "I'll call you Lynnie, Sweetheart! I'm going to spoil you like crazy and we're going to have a wonderful time together!"


	7. Part One - Chapter 7

_**Author's note:** Because so many of you, my dear readers, are having problems seeing Tony and Kathleen as a couple I decided to move on a bit quicker. So I posted chapters 6 and 7 at a single blow in order to get to part two of the story sooner. But I have to warn you, it won't turn into a fluffy story right away..._

* * *

**7**

After Kathleen had woken up from the general anesthetic they had to give her because of the emergency situation the three of them spent the first moments together as a family. Tony was relieved Kathleen was over the operation so well and watched his wife and daughter with pride and joy. The pieces of the puzzle had all finally fallen into the right places for him - his life would be one as Kathleen's husband and Lynnie's father. Maybe they could even have some more children building a 'real' Italian family which always meant a bunch of kids. He was looking forward to this simple and modest life and had almost forgotten about all the high hopes of graduating, becoming a teacher and leading a life so totally different from his upbringing.

As a caesarean was a serious operation Kathleen and Lynnie had to stay in the hospital for an entire week. Before and after work Tony visited them every day watching Kathleen nursing the baby and teaching her how to take care of a newborn - changing diapers, bathing her, making her burp and rocking her into sleep. He hadn't forgotten anything from the time Sam had been a baby. He was a natural and intuitive father. When Kathleen saw him with his daughter she knew making him the father of this child had been the best decision she ever made. She was happy and felt very secure about him - until one day. Lynnie had taken an afternoon nap at the hospital's nursery because Kathleen herself had needed some rest. When she had woken up and realized the bassinette was missing she got up and made her way to the nursery to get her baby back. Approaching the aisle where it was located she suddenly spotted Tony and Angela sitting side by side on the bench in front of it. Tony had Gwendolyn in his arms and Angela was admiring her. "Oh, Tony, she's beautiful. I'm very happy for you and Kathleen. I'm glad everything went well after all. I can picture you spoiling this kid like hell!" She grinned at him. It was an absolutely innocent situation, Angela and Tony were both behaving appropriately: they were smiling at each other and talking, the weren't kissing or anything, they didn't even touch each other. Angela handed Tony a gift for Lynnie, a wonderful set of engraved silver cutlery and he thanked her - nonetheless Kathleen felt a tremendous amount of jealousy rising within her.

She disliked herself for that. She was having problems with ungrounded jealousy for ever and it had ruined more than one of her relationships, but she couldn't help it. 'I have to put a halt to this, I can't allow her to meddle in my family. How can he do this to me? He does have me, right, what does he need _her_ for?', were the thoughts that came to Kathleen's mind. She had been seeing a therapist years ago to get rid of her underlying jealousy and he had told her she had a problem with trusting other people and a minority complex. But it was one thing to be rational and another one to be driven by the hormones the pregnancy and lately the nursing was constantly releasing into her body. So Kathleen found herself in an overly emotional state and couldn't think straight anymore. She was overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy and pictured the two of them having an affair behind her back. She would have to do something. 'No more of this!', she swore to herself. But she was clever enough not to make a scene right now. She had learned that from similar situations in her past. She would wait for a better moment, when she had her emotions back under control and when she was alone with her husband. That moment was about to come two days later.

Tony had picked up his wife and daughter from the hospital and had taken them home. He had decorated their apartment nicely, he had put a vase with fresh flowers on the dinner table and had put a sign saying 'Welcome Home' above the door. He started to unpack Kathleen's bag and put all the baby's onesies into the nursery. When he came back into the living room where Kathleen was lying on the sofa, being a bit worn-out from the car ride, he showed her Angela's gift. He didn't feel he had anything to hide.

"Look what Angela gave Lynnie for her birth, a silver children's cutlery set with 'GM' engraved in it. Isn't that a thoughtful gift?" He proudly presented the box to her as most of the other gifts were either pink stuffed animals or baby's clothes with the Cardinal's logo on them.

"At least she knows our daughter's name is Gwendolyn and not Lynnie." She didn't wanted to sound so rude but couldn't help it.

"Kathleen, I can understand you wanted to name your daughter after your mother but she just doesn't look like a 'Gwendolyn' to me. Please, don't be mad at me calling her Lynnie."

Well, he had just given her the perfect moment to address the 'A'-matter. Granting him his wish would put Kathleen into a position of asking him one in return. "Ooookay, Honey, if you're having problems with the name I picked ...", she said with a noble gesture, "but you could also do me a favour.", she went on.

"What is it?", he asked openly, being totally unprepared for what was going to come.


	8. Part One - Chapter 8

**_Author's note:_ **_To all of you who dislike Kathleen and Tony being married, this will be another tough chapter. But this is the end of part one and beginning with the next chapter you might see some light at the end of the tunnel - a long tunnel though ..._

* * *

**8**

Tony dreaded the conversation which was lying ahead of him. He had to tell Angela he couldn't see her anymore, that his wife had asked him to stop being friends with her for the sake of their new family. All his solemn assertions, that they were having a completely platonic friendship and that he had always been honest and faithful, hadn't changed Kathleen's mind. She not only asked him but demanded it and for the sake of his marriage he had agreed with a heavy heart. He was standing in front of Angela's door and because he didn't have any keys for the house anymore, he rang the door bell. He had the same feeling like when he had stood at the very same spot and was reluctant to tell her about Kathleen's pregnancy. Only that this time it would be a hundred times more difficult to talk to her. He heard Angela shout inside "Would anyone please answer the door?" and "Nobody?" and when she opened the door he was relieved she wasn't dressed in her pink bathrobe.

"Hi.", he said.

"Tony? What are you doing here?" Angela could read from his face that something was bothering him. "Please, come in." She felt awkward ushering him inside her house like a guest, in the house which had been his home for so many years.

"What's the matter? You look troubled, Tony." He was always amazed about how well she could read his mind.

"Well, as a matter of fact Angela, I am." How should he tell her? "Please, sit down. I have something to tell you." If there only was a way to tell her without breaking her heart. His had already been broken, so he knew what she was up to. They had spent the last six years together, as a family and best friends. How were they supposed to get along without each other? Angela realized Tony was reluctant to speak and had a bitter premonition. This had to be something very serious. After all that had been coming from him lately - 'I slept with Kathleen', 'she's pregnant', 'I marry her', 'I move out', 'I quit' - there weren't too many options left which could be worse. She slowly moved backwards, her eyes never leaving his, until she reached the couch and sat down. Her heart was beating so hard she thought it might jump out of her rib cage.

"What _is_ the matter, Tony? I'm getting used to conversations with you which start like that. And I don't like it! Whatever it is, tell me.", she said, her shaking voice disclosing her uneasiness.

Tony cleared his throat. "Well, you won't have to fear such conversations with me any more from now on.", and instantly regretted the cryptic way he had put his words.

Angela frowned and shook her head. "Fear conversations with you? Would you please stop being so mysterious?" She looked so beseechingly at him, begging him to dispel her fears, that he had to turn away from her. He wouldn't be able to cope with the change in her expression once she understood what the words he would be telling her right now meant for them.

"Kathleen asked me to stop seeing you."

Silence.

"I beg your pardon?" She had only misheard, hadn't she?

"She wants me to break off our friendship.", he told her, his voice only a weak whisper. Kathleen's wish, or rather her demand, hadn't completely sunk in Tony's mind yet, although she had already uttered it two days earlier. Throughout the last 48 hours he'd been agonizing over a way to get out of this impasse. But his hormone-driven, over fatigued and at times even a bit hysterical wife hadn't accepted any argument he brought up for why he couldn't possibly tell Angela today. So he had given in.

Angela froze after what she just had heard. Her heart, which had been beating like a sledgehammer a few minutes ago, had now almost come to a complete stop. Despite all the resentment she felt coming from Kathleen, she hadn't expected her to go that far.

"Why would she do that? Didn't you tell her we're just best friends?"

"Of course I did. I guess she doesn't believe me. And ... if we're honest Angela ... our friendship isn't a _normal_ friendship, not even among best friends, never has been. She's jealous."

"Don't be ridiculous, Tony! There's nothing to be jealous about. Maybe our friendship is a bit unorthodox but it's not inappropriate whatsoever! She can't forbid you to have friends, can she?"

"She doesn't really forbid me to see you anymore, she asked me to." He was sugar-coating his conversation with Kathleen a bit. She hadn't literally forbidden him to stay friends with Angela, in whom she saw an archenemy, someone who tried to mess up her little happiness, but she had made absolutely clear that she wanted him to stand by his wife, not by his friend.

First, Angela couldn't believe Tony was defending Kathleen. Then she realized he was just being loyal to his wife and it hit her like a hammer. He found himself in a terrible predicament; on the one hand he wanted to protect his little family, and on the other he couldn't let go of their friendship. As if to underline what Angela had just thought, Tony said, "Look, Angela, I really have to give this marriage a chance. I have this little girl who needs a mother _and_ a father. I've already raised one daughter without her mother and, honestly, I don't want to do that again."

He looked her straight in the eye now, pleading for understanding. It was this very moment it became clear to Angela that she had to let him off the hook. She could fight for him, encourage him to stand his grounds in his relationship to his wife, not to let Kathleen control his life, tell him she dreads a life without him, remind him of the promise he had given Jonathan once, that buddies never let each other down, ... but she didn't utter any of these arguments. She gulped them down and remained silent. She knew the loss of their friendship was hurting him as much as herself, but for him his still brittle new life was at stake. And what kind of a friend would she be, if she forced him into a constant moral dilemma. So she gathered all her strength, offering him a way out.

"I understand.", Angela said calmly.

"You do?" She could see relief as well as bewilderment in his eyes.

"Not that I like it, Tony. But I can see you have to assign priorities. Just be aware that I'm always here for you, if you need me. This break-up is one-sided only, I still consider you my best friend." It demanded a lot from her to let this friendship end which had been the most important, profound and enriching one she ever had, so leaving this loophole, to resume it one day, eased her pain a little. As long as there was hope, there was no need to despair. Maybe Kathleen would be a bit more relaxed in a few years about them, once she felt secure enough of Tony as her husband. Although Angela felt like breaking down she pulled herself together and forced back the tears, showing Tony a slight, reassuring smile. He stared at her in total awe. He knew exactly what was going through her mind and how hard it had to be for her to make this easy for him. He saw how tears began to fill her eyes and was deeply impressed she was able to hold them back. God, what an amazing woman she was!

"Angela ..." Tony started but was sharply interrupted by her.

"Leave it Tony. No more explanations, please. Just let us get over with this without any melodramatic goodbyes, okay!?" She knew she wouldn't be able to keep her composure much longer. "Take care, Tony. You've been the best friend I ever had, it will be tough to go on without you. It would comfort me, if I knew there could be a someday or somewhere for us. For now, I guess it's farewell."

Did she want an embrace or not? Tony wasn't sure, he didn't want to torture her but there was no way he could just slip out of the front door as if they had been some casual acquaintances. He went over to her, pulled her close and hugged her. He felt her stiff body shivering, her muscles were tense and her hands were trembling. Well, she couldn't hide her anxiety completely from him, although she tried. She hugged him back and breathed in his scent one more time, telling herself to remember the sensation of his arms around her, as she would never be able to be in his arms again. When they pulled apart she gently stroked his cheek and whispered with sad-looking eyes, "Goodbye, my friend."

He didn't know why he did it, he hadn't planned it, it was like a reflex of his body and mind, but he gave her a forceful kiss on the lips, turned around without another word and rushed out, leaving the door open behind him. Angela looked his way, slowly walked to the door and closed it in slow motion. She leaned with her back against it, closed her eyes, and felt nothing but a frightening void taking possession of her heart. And then, without prior warning, reality struck her. 'That's it. This is the end.', she thought. 'This is how a complete defeat must feel like.' What was that line in this famous ABBA song again? 'The winner takes it all, the loser's standing small.' Well, no doubt she was the loser in this game - she had lost Tony!


	9. Part Two - Chapter 9

**PART TWO**

**_Four Years Later_**

**9**

"Lynnie, you have to finish your plate first then I'll take you to the playground." Why did he always have to glue her to the chair when he wanted her to eat something before they went outside? This little whirlwind of his wasn't easily convinced that a healthy afternoon snack was important for her well-being.

"Why do I always have to eat a banana, Daddy?", the girl with the blond pony tail asked Tony.

"You don't have to, Love.", he replied.

"I don't?" She was surprised and hadn't expected that answer from her father.

"You can have an apple instead." He grinned at her.

"Daaaddy, that's not fair!"

"Who told you life was fair?"

"I'll eat two bananas tomorrow. I promise! Can we go to the playground now? Pretty please!" She knew exactly how to look at him with her blue eyes and her winning smile.

"How about I put the banana in a box and we take it along. No ice cream cone until you've eaten this banana. That's my promise for today." He tried to look at her earnestly but had to smile when she jumped up and threw her arms around his neck.

"Thank you, Daddy! I love you!"

"I love you too, Sweetheart. Let's gather your stuff. We're going to pick up Mom from work later, so we mustn't forget your pair of nice shoes and the jacket she bought for you the other day."

"Do I really have to wear that stupid jacket? I like the one you gave me better." He had bought her a Mets baseball jacket last spring and loved to see her liking it so much.

"Come on, Lynnie, it's not that bad." It was a denim jacket with pink pearls saying 'little princess' on it and neither pearls nor pink really was Lynnie's piece of cake.

Kathleen kept on disregarding her daughter's preferences when it came to fashion because she wanted her to be more like a real girl and not as boyish as she had turned out to be. Tony, on the contrary, loved Lynnie's rebellious and pert personality. She rather played with cars than with dolls, she preferred to climb the monkey bars at the playground to baking cakes in the sand pit and she liked comfortable and sports' clothes better than the fancy pink stuff her mother always bought her. Tony couldn't understand why Kathleen tried so hard to change her daughter. He would have loved her just as much had she been a little princess, but she was his whirlwind and the apple of his eye. He was completely wrapped up in his role as her father. Soon after her maternity leave Kathleen had resumed her college classes and as Tony had had the job at the grocery store they were dependent on as a regular source of income, he had been lacking the time to continue to go to college. He had always covered for his wife taking care of Lynnie when she had to study for exams or when she had internships. Two years after Lynnie had been born, Kathleen graduated and started to work as a curator of the private art collection of some loaded investment banker. She was well-paid, so he could work less and took care of Lynnie more and more often until one day he quit his job at the grocery store to only look after his daughter and their apartment. It took him almost six months until Tony realized that he was having the exact same job as at Angela's house; he was taking care of the kid and the household. He was a housekeeper again, only that he wasn't paid this time. But he didn't care. He loved spending his time with Lynnie. 'If I give her just a bit more of my love', he sometimes thought, 'she might burst.' Only very rarely he had a feeling something was missing. Some compassion to be bent on him. He felt he was giving his daughter everything he could and he was giving his wife everything he could, but he didn't get so much in return. From his daughter he didn't expect anything, she was only four years old. But he would've appreciated a bit more empathy and responsiveness from his wife. Once in a while he got the feeling that over time Kathleen had completely lost interest in him and one day had begun to actually see him as her housekeeper and nanny. She even sometimes treated him this way, a way Angela had never did and she indeed had been his employer.

Tony left the house with his daughter in tow. She was always eager to play outside. She loved to spend time in the park and even more in the forest. She would climb on the monkey bars or trees, she would play hide and seek with Tony or catch some baseballs her father threw at her. 'You can't have a better son.', Tony used to say. He was very proud of her and she compensated him for the fact that his marriage wasn't so great after all and began to exist in name only. He missed intimate togetherness and compassionate warmth in his relationship and sometimes he wondered what had gone wrong. They rather lived beside each other than together. Kathleen had a job she liked very much and worked a lot. Well, he was used to living with a hard-working woman, that was not it, but even if they had time together, the three of them rather spent family time than the two of them time as a couple. So they never really grew as husband and wife, they never got to know each other so well as to be able to read the other's mind or notice the other's needs. So, necessarily they grew more and more apart, only connected by their daughter they both loved very much.

"Daddy, can I have an ice cream cone?" Lynnie pulled Tony's sleeve.

"No, Sweetheart, not until you've finished your banana!" Tony adored his little girl but could be very strict too.

"Daaaaddy, puhleeeeeeze! How about banana flavoured ice cream?"

"You're a smart kid! But no! Banana first, Lynnie." Finally, she gave in. She knew her dad and realized he wouldn't negotiate this matter with her any further. So she took the banana out of the box and started to chew languidly. But she took Tony's hand because deep down she felt he only wanted the best for her. Like this they strolled through the neighbourhood on their way to the playground. At a big intersection they had to wait at a red light and Tony looked around, suddenly spotting a huge advertising billboard at one of the houses.

"Guacamunchies! I can't believe they're still selling this stuff!"

"What's Guacamunchies?", Lynnie asked curiously.

"Green potato chips!", Tony answered.

"Green? Cool!" Lynnie was fascinated by the thought of green potato chips. "Do they come in blue, too?" Tony laughed.

"No, they're green because they taste like guacamole, you know, this green dip we had at the Mexican restaurant the other day?" He knew she hadn't liked it at all.

"Yuck, I remember. That doesn't sound very tasty.", Lynnie stated.

"You're right. They're awful, but Angela managed to sell them anyway!", Tony remarked without even noticing he had used her name. He hadn't had for a long time.

"Who's Angela?" Lynnie was curious. Tony was stunned. A reasonable and purely innocent question but how was he supposed to answer it? How could he explain their complicated and in the end very painful relationship to a four-year-old?

"Angela is a friend of mine, ... from the past. We used to be best friends but we haven't seen each other in a while." He felt this ache returning to his heart. This ache he had been locking up for so long.

"Why? If you were best friends? I would never leave Emma, I always want to play with her." Emma was Lynnie's best friend in preschool.

"Well, uh ... because it's been a long time." Tony didn't know how to answer her. He knew it wasn't a very convincing reason, not even for a child.

"But you also meet uncle Philly only once in a while and he's from your past too." She could be very persistent if she wanted to fully understand something, just like any inquisitive little girl.

"It's different with Angela." Tony had to think about the last time he had seen her, when he had to say goodbye.

"Where's the difference between your friend Philly and your friend Angela, Daddy? There is no difference between my friend Emma and my friend Blake." In her childish naivite Lynnie understandably enough couldn't imagine that for a married man having a female best friend other than his wife could indeed be difficult.

"You know, Lynnie, the life of adults sometimes is a bit more complicated than that of preschoolers. And don't ask me why, okay?!" He looked at her entreatingly.

"Okay, Daddy."

"Thanks, Sweetheart. I appreciate that."

They walked for some time without talking, then Lynnie started again. "Did you like her?" She wouldn't let him off the hook. Only out of natural curiosity, she didn't realize she was torturing her father with her probing questions.

"Very much." He swallowed.

"Do you miss her?" She had always had a compassionate character and began to be sorry for him. She could feel that her father had suddenly become quite ruminative and sad.

"Yes." Tony was at the verge of tears. Never had he spoken to anyone about his sorrow. When the sadness had threatend to overwhelm his soul in the past, he had tried to suppress everything, and as time went by he had become very good at that. His four year old daughter was the first person who had been able to look behind the facade and had questioned the amount of his self-discline.

"You're sad, Daddy, aren't you? Don't be sad. I kiss it better." She kissed him on the cheek and gave him a bear hug. "You should go to her one day and say hello.", Lynnie proposed.

"Maybe I should."

* * *

This night, Lynnie was still preoccupied about her father and his best friend whom he was obviously missing so much. So after Tony had told her a bedtime story she resumed their afternoon talk.

"Daddy, did you and Angela go to school together like me and Emma?", she wanted to know.

"Oh no. I worked for her."

"You worked for her? Was she your baseball coach?" Lynnie was surprised because the only job she knew about was that he had been a professional baseball player. Tony had to laugh loud. Angela had many talents, playing baseball definitely wasn't one of them.

"No, Sweetheart. She had an advertising agency. Well, she still has. I showed you that advertising bill of the green potato chips, remember? She made that!"

"You worked in an advertising agency?"

"No, I ... uh ... was her housekeeper. And I looked after her little son. His name was Jonathan and he was only a bit older than you are now, when Sam and I moved into their house." Damn, why did he tell her that? Now she would have another million questions to ask. Difficult questions. Painful questions.

"You lived in a house?" She wouldn't spare him anything. "With Sammy?" Lynnie used to call her grown-up half-sister like that and Sam liked it. "Was it a nice house?"

"Very nice. With a picket fence and a big tree in front of it. You would like that tree, it was a perfect tree to climb on." He remembered how Jonathan had only tried once to climb that tree when he was little; he would've found his master in Lynnie. They had painted that picket fence together and had camped in the garden. How much nicer it was for a child to grow up in a house like this, compared to a three-room apartment in the city. At least he had allowed Samantha a childhood like that.

"So Angela was your boss!", Lynnie stated matter-of-factly.

"Yes, she was."

"And you liked your boss?", she asked incredulously.

"Yes. Why not?" Tony shrugged.

"Mom always complains about her boss. She says he's mean and doesn't pay her enough money."

"Well, Angela was a nice boss, very friendly and generous. She even let me go to college." 'How come I keep on giving away all these private details?', went through his mind.

"Like Mom?" Oy, now she had definitely hit the wounded spot!

"Yes, like Mom. ... I met Mom at college." 'You don't have to go into detail here, Tony!', he warned himself.

"How come Mom works and you don't?" Tony slowly got the feeling his daughter had a bright future as a prosecutor ahead of her.

"Someone has to look after you." He prodded her nose.

"But normally moms stay at home and do that. Why don't _you_ go to work, Daddy, and Mom looks after me?" Or maybe head inquisitor of the Catholic church?

"Mom graduated from college and I didn't." Until recently he hadn't regretted exmatriculating but a few months ago he had begun to ask himself why only one of them had gone through with college and why it had to be Kathleen and not him. He had had such high hopes of becoming a teacher, of being the first Micelli with a college degree. At least Sam had accomplished that goal.

"I like you to look after me better anyway! You're more fun! Mom always wants to take me shopping but you take me to the playground." She warmed his heart with an ear-to-ear grin.

"We're a good team." Tony peeked at his watch. "Wow, it's already almost nine! You've got to sleep now, Lynnie. Tomorrow's another day." He covered her with her blanket and kissed her forehead. "Good night, Sweetheart."

"Daddy, can you sing me a lullaby? Please." He couldn't resist her wish, as always, and sang 'Hush Little Baby' to her, his most favorite lullaby he had already sung Samantha and once in while even Jonathan to sleep with. Lynnie's eyelids started to get heavier and closed eventually. When he gently stroked her cheek she murmured, half asleep already, "I want to see the house Sammy and you lived in, Daddy."

"I show it to you, Lynnie. Someday. I promise."


	10. Part Two - Chapter 10

**_Author's note:_ **_Thanks again, stayathomemum, for your support. This chapter wouldn't exsist like this without your input..._

* * *

**10**

The last four years weren't easy for the remnants of the once so happy Bower-Micelli-family. After Tony had left, the remaining four had to rearrange their relationships, because it was Tony who had always worked so hard to meld them together. Of course the kids wanted to stay at the side of their respective parent, but Sam felt to be caught in the middle between Angela and Tony. She loved her father and saw that he wasn't in control of every detail of his life anymore, and she respected his decision to accept his responsibility as Lynnie's father and Kathleen's husband, but she also wanted to maintain her relationship to Angela. Kathleen could demand from her husband to stop being friends with Angela, but not from her. Sam didn't feel any obligation to her father's wife because Angela was her surrogate mother and had always been there for her when needed. And the way she was dealing with Tony's betrayal and its consequences had aroused a great deal of admiration from Sam's part. She couldn't believe the strong and dignified way Angela took the changes in her life. Had she been able to see below the surface, she would have noticed how much energy Angela kept on investing to appear so strong in front of Sam. She didn't want the girl to see the amount of her agony and despair - well, she didn't want anyone to see. They didn't want to make each other miserable while being together, so Angela and Sam had soon made the unspoken decision to talk about everything but Tony. They regularly met, they went shopping or had family dinners together. Sam would turn to Angela when she had a problem with her boyfriend, knowing that her father was always very uptight when it came to her love life. She often perceived herself as a child of divorce, only that her parents had never been married. She tried to be loyal to both of them and Tony and Angela eased her situation by never asking her anything of the other.

For Jonathan, Tony's move-out had been particularly hard. Being in the middle of puberty, he was frequently in need of a male confidant, a role Tony had been playing for so long. Tony was the second father who had left him, which made Jonathan question himself whether he had done anything wrong to chase them away. Why would nobody stay with him? His mother had tried her best to replace his biological father after he had vanished from their lives. That was why she had hired Tony in the first place. And Tony had quickly become his buddy and role model. And then there had been the day Jonathan had begun to see Tony as a surrogate father and sometimes had even called him "my dad" when he spoke about him to his friends. Being abandoned by him had hit Jonathan even harder than being abandoned by his 'real' father. Michael was his father by nature but Tony had freely chosen to be his father. Moreover, he had once promised him to never let him down. "I don't have to be married to your mom to be here for you anytime and every time you need me.", he had told him. Jonathan had been a young boy at that time, in desperate fear of losing Tony. That was why he had played cupid in order to hook him to his mother. Tony had promised to be his best buddy forever and Jonathan had believed him. What a mistake! His mother was the only constant in his life, the only adult he could always rely on. That was another thing he couldn't forgive Tony. Not only had he betrayed him but he'd also betrayed his mother! The woman who had given him a chance by hiring him when he was in need of a job, the woman who had welcomed him and his daughter in her house, the woman who had always supported him and had even encouraged him to go to college - the woman who had trusted him and had given him her heart. Like Sam, Jonathan had always believed that that they would become step-siblings one day, that Tony and Angela would marry soon after their kid-raising-job would be done and Sam and him would have moved out of the house. The day Tony had told him that he would marry Kathleen because she was pregnant made Jonathan's world collapse in a nanosecond. He had refused to believe that it was really happening until the day he had actually moved out. The moment Tony had closed the door behind him was the moment Jonathan had decided to never again waste a single thought about him.

At the beginning, Jonathan had been afraid Sam would also turn away from him and only care about her new baby sister, just like Tony obviously only cared about his new family and his 'real' child and not about him anymore. But as much as Sam adored Lynnie and loved spending time with her, she also needed Jonathan as someone to talk to, as someone to share her sorrow with, as someone who understood perfectly how she felt about all of this. Although they had had their share of sibling-type fights over the years and although especially Sam, as the elder one of the two, had often teased Jonathan, the separation of their parents had brought them closer together. So they had stayed in contact all these years. Tony had worked hard to make then behave like brother and sister; he would have been thrilled if he had been able to see how the two of them stuck together now. They had so much in common; both of them being an only child - at least until recently, both of them only having one parent - at least one parent living with them, both of them having felt so safe in their patchwork-family-construction. They needed each other in order not to be completely lost. So they called each other regularly, they went to the movies or met in a café, they had long talks and became confidants. But they also had a silent pact as not to ask each other about Tony or Angela because it would stir up too many hard feelings and they didn't want to end up fighting in defence of their respective parent.

Mona had seen it all coming and found that her fears had been confirmed, although she wouldn't have minded if she had been wrong on this one. She had always been having that inner fear that Tony and Angela waiting, waiting and waiting for the right moment to confide in each other would mean they could lose each other one day. And that was exactly what had happened! The moment she had first met Tony in the lobby of the apartment building she had been living in at the time, she had instantly realized he was the perfect companion for her grandson as well as her daughter. Of course, she hadn't foreseen they would fall in love then, but it had become obvious very soon. Mona had a sixth sense when it came to love matters; she knew her daughter and could sense the vibrations and chemistry between them, long before they had realized it themselves. Being a woman who would never push a gorgeous guy out of her bed, she hadn't understood why Angela had tried to deny her feelings for Tony for so long. More than once, she had set up a situation to bring them together. She would have loved to have Tony as her son-in-law but he stupidly had to get involved with some blond college mate in order to boost his male self-esteem and moreover forget all about birth-control to cap it all off! In her eyes, Angela had been a fool playing by the rules and leaving the field to Kathleen. From the very beginning, she had had the feeling Kathleen wanted Tony at all cost and would use any gambling trick to get him; getting pregnant had been like a royal flush and Mona was positive she had slipped out the missing ace from her sleeve. Poor Angela! Waiting for Tony to make his own decision about their relationship hadn't been the right strategy; she had told her various times, but her daughter hadn't listened. "If he doesn't realize he wants to be with me himself, then I rather stay alone.", she had kept on telling her. Well, alone she was!

What Mona admired about Tony though, was his decency to marry Kathleen right away, although he had broken her daughter's heart with this. He was an honourable and responsible family man - what a loss! The moment Tony had moved out of their house, Mona knew she had lost a friend; the one and only male 'friend' she had ever had. They also had been buddies and she truly felt betrayed by him. She knew she couldn't stay in contact with him - for Angela's sake. It would've made her even more distressed to know that the rest of the family were together like always, excluding only her. No way, she wouldn't torture her daughter like that. She had broken the connection to her dear friend - "Blood is thicker than water.", she kept on saying.

For Angela, her worst nightmare had come true the moment Tony had told her he had to stop being friends with her. She could have lived with him being married to Kathleen - over the years, she had developped techniques to control her feelings and cope with emotional pain - but the fact that he had vanished out of her life completely had broken her heart. She felt alone, rejected, undesired and not worth anything. After Tony had left her house and had broken off their friendship she had toiled like a work horse for her agency to numb the pain that the loss had evoked. She had been desperate. She hadn't felt comfortable any more in her own house and had spent more and more nights at the city in a hotel close to the office. After a few months she had bought a luxury apartment just around the corner of the agency which she began to use frequently for over-night stays after having worked too long. Jonathan had been hanging out with his friends or with Sam most of the time anyway and wasn't in need of a moping mother at home. Mona had kept her company in the beginning; they went out for dinner, saw some Broadway shows and took long strolls through the countryside on the weekends. Angela had the feeling she had last been this close with her mother after her father's death when it had been her who had to look out for Mona. Now it was the other way round. Mona had noticed how lonely Angela was feeling and had tried her best to distract her. But after a few months Angela had absolved her from her motherly duties and had told her to return to the living.

Since Angela had started to dedicate all her time and energy to her work, the results became obvious very soon. The Bower Agency had to move to another location into a huge office building in downtown New York. Turnover had almost doubled in two years; she had won major accounts of grand scale international clients and had been honoured with various awards for her innovative, creative and pioneering campaigns. Young ad execs had begun to beg for jobs at her agency and her staff had increased to more than fifty people. She gave lectures at elite advertising schools nationwide and was interviewed once in a while by business magazines and tv programmes. She had become a big shot in the world of advertising and the times she had been mistaken for the secretary were long over. Her professional success gave her a great deal of satisfaction and self-esteem, she was proud of herself and of what she had accomplished since she had graduated from business school almost 20 years ago. But that was only applicable to her professional life, her personal life made her miserable. She regretted the chances she had missed to confide in Tony. Why hadn't she pushed a little harder, spoke a little louder or acted a little more straightforward with respect to their relationship? How could she have been so stupid to wait so long for him to make the first move until another woman had snatched him from under her nose?

But Angela didn't only feel sorry for herself all these years. The way Jonathan was dealing with the loss had broken her heart completely. He had locked up a great deal of anger and disappointment within him. Like herself, he had been left by Michael as well as Tony. Mother and son had suffered the same loss and it had brought them closer together. That was the only good thing which had come out of this misery. They had begun to spend a lot of time together, knowing that they only could rely on each other to always be there. At the beginning, Angela had tried to encourage Jonathan to stay in contact with Tony. Tony had been trying to maintain his relationship to Jonathan at first, writing letters and calling regularly. Not to Kathleen's liking, but as long as he had stayed away from Angela, she had approved of him contacting the boy. But as Jonathan had refused to talk to him over and over again, he had eventually given up.

* * *

A year after Tony left the Bower family, Jonathan graduated from high school. Planning the celebration, Angela had asked her son whom he wanted to invite to the party. As neither Michael nor Tony had appeared on the list she had decided it was time for a talk.

"Jonathan, why wouldn't you want your father to be at your graduation?", she had asked.

"I spoke to him the other day. He will be on a trip to Europe with _Heather_.", Jonathan had answered with a scornful voice, especially uttering his father's second wife's name. "That's obviously more important.", he had added despicably.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Honey." Michael! How could he dismiss his son like this? She had wondered how she could have ever seen a family man in him. Then she had bitten her lower lip, being unsure whether she should ask. "What about ... uhm ... Tony?" She had looked at Jonathan questioningly, hoping he would bury the hatchet and reach out his hand to his former best buddy. But a look into her son's eyes had shown her unmistakably that her hopes wouldn't be fulfilled.

"Tony? You want me to invite Tony? You can't be serious, Mom!" Jonathan had been enraged, his cheeks had turned crimson red, his eyes had been glinting with fury.

"Why not?" she had asked in a soft voice. "He supported you through most of your high school years. I bet he's very proud of you and would give his right arm to be there - unlike your father, who would rather go on a vacation." She had tried to reason with him.

"I can't believe you're still defending him! If you can forgive him for what he did - fine! _I_ can't and _I_ won't. I don't want him to be there. Period!" He hadn't been willing to discuss this matter any further and Angela hadn't urged him to. It was his decision anyway, he wasn't a child you could push to see someone any longer.

The day of the graduation had been a happy one for the Bowers nonetheless. Angela had been so proud of her son, who had been the youngest graduate, having skipped grade 6 and joined the accelerated program. She had been sitting in the front row while he had received his diploma out of the the principal's hands. He had reminded her of herself in his ambitious way through the educational stages. Only when she had looked around, spotting fathers everywhere hugging and kissing their sons, the pain had returned to her heart. Both of Jonathan's fathers had let him down - his biological father had chosen to go on a trip with his second wife and his surrogate father had disappointed him too much to be invited. The poor kid! Jonathan, for his part, had decided not to let their muddled family situation spoil his day. He was proud of himself and was looking forward to his college years. Another possibility for him to dive into education, to occupy himself with his studies instead of interpersonal problems. He was just like his mother; using the same suppressing techniques. They ran in the family!

Had anyone of them turned their heads, they might have spotted the man sitting in the second last row. He had been beaming with pride for the boy who had just been honoured as the most successful scholar, being the youngest graduate ever, with a scholarship of Harvard Business School already in his hands. He was utterly proud and he was utterly sad. Sad that he couldn't be with them on this day, sad that he hadn't been invited, sad that he had lost not only his friendship to the boy's mother but also to the boy himself. The boy he still considered to be his son...


	11. Part Two - Chapter 11

**11**

It was one of the rare weekends Angela had planned to spend in Fairfield instead of New York. The weather forecast had predicted heavy thunderstorms and she didn't like to be in her apartment all alone up high in the 55th floor of an entirely glazed apartment building. She had always been a bit afraid of thunder and lightning and wasn't keen on viewing it through a huge living room window up high above the streets. Usually she loved the view of the vibrant city at her feet; but not in this case. She was looking forward to sitting at the fireplace with a hot cup of tea, a blanket and some solid brick walls around her. She opened the front door of 3344 Oak Hills Drive and stepped into the dark and silent house. It had never been like this while Tony was living there. In former times, a delicious smell from the kitchen and a nicely laid dinner table had greeted her; or the kids had been running around the house. Some nights Mona had rushed through the living room on her way to a date, showing her rig-out which had almost always been gorgeous and saucy. To put it shortly, the house had been full of life and warmth. Now it looked dark, quiet and cold and was much too big for just one person. But she didn't want to sell it. She connected so many memories to this house, memories that were very precious to her.

Angela sighed, pulled the key out of the lock and turned on the light. She put her briefcase on the little bench at the door and hung her wet coat up at the rack. It had already begun to rain and she was happy to be home. Before she lit the fire in the chimney she wanted to take a hot bath and change into comfortable clothes. She found a short note from her current housekeeper on the table - 'Laundry done, windows cleaned, fridge wiped, Barbara' - damn, nothing in the fridge! Well, she would look for some crackers and a glass of red wine. Barbara was a woman in her mid-fifties and had been working as Angela's housekeeper for the last three years. She was a very reliable and trustworthy person who came twice a week to look after the house and all the necessary errands. Angela wasn't in need of a live-in housekeeper with a 24/7 service anymore. And after Tony had left she couldn't imagine anyone else living in his room anyway.

After her relaxing bath she put on some comfy, warm clothes and went down the stairs. She started the fire and headed to the kitchen. The hinges of the swinging door were squeaking; she made a mental note to tell Barbara to grease them. She filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove, then scanned the cabinets for some tea bags. She didn't care too much about the kind but took the first she found. 'Fennel, never mind. As long as it's hot.' The kettle started whistling. Angela poured the boiling water into a mug and rifled through all the stocks of food until she found a box of salty crackers. She opened a bottle of red wine, took one of the crystal glasses she had gotten for her wedding and went into the living room. Another sigh. How many nights had she spent cuddling up with Tony on the couch with a good glass of wine, watching an old movie? Nobody to keep her company tonight; but well, she had become used to it. She steered towards the book shelf to look for some kind of light good read, a love novel maybe, something to warm her heart. Then her eye fell on Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice'. She loved that novel and had already read it at least ten times. That was the perfect book for a lonely night by the fireplace. She wrapped herself in a blanket, poured a glass of wine, nibbled some crackers and started to read her most favorite book.

The fire had almost died and Angela had fallen asleep in the huge armchair, cuddled into the blanket, the open book in her lap. She had read almost half of it and had enjoyed it like all the times before, but after quite some time she just hadn't been able to keep her eyelids open anymore. It had started to rain heavily with frequent lightning, all unnoticed by sleeping Angela. Suddenly she woke with a start. What was that? She always was a bit scared to be alone in that big house, something she got used to after Tony had moved out. 'A knock?', she thought, 'a knock at the door? At this time? In this weather?' Now she really was scared. Damn, why did she have to come out here? Another thunder unloaded its energy, followed very shortly by lightning. This thunderstorm was very close! Angela gathered all her courage, got up from the armchair and approached the door. Another knock and it sounded very urgent. Maybe someone whose car had broken down? She hesitantly opened the door. Just a tiny crack. She peeked through it and at the sight of the person in front of her, she instantly froze.

"Tony?", she said in disbelief. The person on her porch didn't say a word, it just stood there, all wet from the heavy rain. Drops were dripping from his nose, he had sagging shoulders and a bent back. But it was his eyes which alarmed her the most. They were dark and empty and they looked at her hopelessly. A glaring lightning struck down and lit the entire neighbourhood, followed by a deafening thunder, but Tony didn't even seem to hear it. Like if he were in another hemisphere. She dragged him inside.

"What happened to you? You're soaking wet!"

No word from him. No movement. Nothing.

Angela didn't know that Tony had been standing outside on the porch for almost twenty minutes until he managed to knock on her door. He would have to come back to what she had said the last time they saw each other. "I'm always here when you need me." And boy, did he need her! He hated it to take advantage of her like this but he didn't know where else to go. So after twenty minutes of struggling with himself he had finally made himself heard. He didn't know how lucky he was to have found Angela there. She was in Fairfield only because of the predicted thunderstorm. Had the weather been nicer, there wouldn't have been anybody answering the door.

"I'll get you some towels. I'll be right back, wait here." The last sentence was superfluous, because after she had jumped up the stairs and back down with some towels in her hand, he was standing on the very same spot where she had left him, only with a puddle forming at his feet. "Here, we dry you off a little." She put one towel around his shoulders and another one on his head, drying his hair as if he was a five-year-old after a bubble bath. "You should get out of these wet clothes but I have nothing you could change into." Jonathan had moved with his entire stuff to study at Harvard after his graduation from high school, she had only a few of her leisure pieces left there, all the business clothes were at her New York apartment, and - needless to say - there weren't any other man's clothes in her house.

"Don't bother. I'm fine.", he said in a raw and hoarse voice.

"Well, you don't look fine! Here, I put another log on the fire, you have a seat in the armchair and I make us both a cup of tea."

As Tony didn't start to move she gently pushed him. "Sit down! The fire and the tea will warm you and then you're going to tell me what brought you here. Got me?" She couldn't remember when she was last being so resolute with somebody other than one of her office staff. She went into the kitchen still bewildered about the turn of the evening. Why did he show up at her door step? And why was he in that incoherent state? She threw a tea bag in each mug, filled it with hot water and pushed open the swinging door with her right hip. She paused in the door frame and looked at him. He was sitting motionlessly in the armchair, the towel was still draped around his shoulders and he stared into the void, his features frozen. Angela knew something terrible must have happened to put him in a state like this.

"I only have fennel tea, I'm sorry." She handed him a cup.

"Never mind." Tony took the cup from her hand but didn't drink. He hadn't looked at her once and his thoughts seemed to be elsewhere but not in this room.

"Tony? ... Tony! What _is_ the matter with you? What brought you here?"

Still no word from him.

"Talk to me!"

"Lynnie.", he managed to say.

Angela was startled about his powerless and weak voice, not more than a whisper.

"What's the matter with Lynnie?", she probed.

"She fell off a tree. Yesterday afternoon. I took her to the forest. She loves the forest. And she loves to climb trees. She's very good at it, Angela! Like a cat. She climbed higher and higher. 'Look at me Daddy.', she shouted from up high, 'can you still see me?' And then she stepped on that rotten branch and fell. All the way. I tried to catch her but I wasn't fast enough." At the end of his monotonous report his voice cracked. He buried his head in his hands and cried. Angela sat on the armrest, put her arm around his shoulders and tried to calm him a bit. She hadn't seen him cry before.

"How bad is it?"

"Very bad. She broke her back. She's in the hospital. It's not life threatening, thank God, but she's paralyzed from her chest down to her feet."

"Oh my God, Tony. That's horrible! How's Kathleen taking it?" Even though she didn't like her, she felt a deep compassion with her. Being a mother herself Angela could anticipate the torture she must be going through.

"She says it's all my fault. I should've never let her climb that tree. But she loves to climb trees! What was I supposed to do? Nail her to the ground? I told her to hold on but she let go to pick an apple." The horror of the sight of his little whirlwind falling through the branches of the tree could be read from his face.

"She rebuked you? Well, she should've known better. You're the most responsible and protective father I've ever seen."

"But she's right. If I hadn't taken Lynnie to the forest but to the zoo as Kathleen had asked me to, then none of this would've happened!" Tony was inconsolable.

"It was an accident, for heaven's sake. Tony, you can't always protect the people you love. It's terrible what happened to your daughter but it was _not - your - fault_!" She shook him to make him understand. The blame he put on himself was hard to bear. "So, how can I help?" She knew he hadn't come all this way just for comfort. There had to be something she and only she could do, otherwise he would have tried to make it through that crisis without her. And she already had an inkling. "Do you need money for a special treatment?" He lifted his head and looked at her for the first time. How come she knew? He hated himself for turning to her for money. If he had seen any other possibility to gather the immense amount the hospital billed them, he would've never appealed to her. He had treated her so badly in the end and had ruined everything that was between them. She had waited for him after their talk in Jamaica and had relied on him and he had betrayed her. And now she was offering him money for the medical treatment of the girl he had with the woman he had betrayed her with. He had been expecting some kind of dissent, of reproaches, such as how he could dare to drop by after four years of silence and ask for money. But he should have known better. He should have known she had a big, giving heart and always kept her promises.

"The doctor said her chances would be a lot better if she got this special medication and newly developed treatment. It's very expensive and our insurance won't cover it.", he explained.

"How much do you need?", Angela asked matter-of-factly. This rather reminded her of a business negotiation she was having regularly than of a reunion among long lost friends. But she had always been unemotional about money. Maybe because she never lacked it, or other things were far more important to her - like friendship. She earned a lot of money and she spent it. Her mother was a beneficiary of that attitude of hers, billing the majority of her shopping trips on Angela's credit card. But Angela didn't mind. 'What's the use of earning all that money when you're not giving pleasure with it.' That was her credo. 'I don't want to be the richest person on the cemetery someday.'

Tony swallowed his embarrassment and whispered "Fifteen thousand." It could have been fifty thousand or five million - it was an amount he could never procure, although he would sell his soul for his daughter if necessary. But it wasn't necessary because he had Angela. She was his rescuing angel.

"You're positive that's all you need?" Angela wanted to make sure Tony told her the full amount. She was well aware of how difficult this must have been for him.

"Yes."

"Okay. I get my cheque book." She took a little booklet and a pen out of her purse, signed a cheque and handed it to him.

"Uh, Angela, you forgot to put the amount in." He gave the piece of paper back to her.

"No, I didn't forget. You put in the amount you need. Maybe they'll come up with another special thing. Like this you're on the safe side financially." Tony was overwhelmed about the trust Angela was showing him with this act of friendship.

"I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Just take it and make your little daughter feel better."

"I pay it back, Angela, with interest. I promise!"

"Whenever you're able to, but no interest. I don't want to earn money because of your daughter's accident." She knew she had to leave him this little rest of dignity, allowing him to pay off his debts.

"Thank you, Angela. Thank you very much. I'll never be able to make this up to you.", he said downheartedly.

"We'll see." She was still hoping they would be able to 'officially' resume their friendship someday.

There was a short silence between them, neither of them knew what to say. A log crackled in the chimney, the thunderstorm was still howling outside. "Tony, you can't possibly drive home tonight. There might be some floodings on the street. It's raining in torrents. Why don't you stay over until tomorrow morning? All I can offer you is the couch. Your room ... uh ... former room is all cleared out." She sighed. This house definitely wasn't hospitable anymore. "But it will be better and safer than spending the night in your car somewhere on the road." Tony was so exhausted from worrying about his little girl for the past 30 hours that he couldn't gather enough energy to contradict her. So he let her lead him to the couch. Angela arranged the pillows to make him comfortable, pulled off his shoes and spread a blanket over his body.

"I'll get you another cup of tea." With that she went back into the kitchen and looked for some other kind than fennel. In the rearmost corner of the cabinet she found a box with one remaining tea bag of English Breakfast Tea. 'Oh, what the heck?', she thought. 'Better than this disgusting fennel tea anyway.' With a cup of hot tea she returned to the living room and found Tony already fast asleep on the couch. As soon as his head had touched the pillow, he had drifted off. After almost two days of constant shock, despair, agony and worries the slight hope, which was building up inside of him because of Angela's financial generosity as well as her emotional compassion, had been so relaxing he didn't even bother what his wife would say if she ever found out where he'd spent the night. Angela sat down in the armchair opposite the couch and watched him, the hot tea cup still in her hand. She began to cry. She cried about Lynnie who was so badly injured. She cried about Tony who felt so guilty about his daughter's accident. And she cried about herself who had lost that wonderful man as a constant companion in her life.

* * *

The next morning, when Angela woke up, the thunderstorm was gone. The sun was shining again through some scattered clouds, the air was fresh and even the birds were singing. Angela jumped out of the bed, put her pink bathrobe on, one of the few things she hadn't moved to her apartment in the city, and scooted downstairs to take care for her over-night guest. When she reached the bottom of the stairs she found the couch abandoned and assumed Tony was in the kitchen. While striding through the living room towards the kitchen door she shouted, "Tony, there's nothing eatable in there. I treat you a quick breakfast in the coffee shop down the str- ." She had almost finished her sentence when she reached the kitchen ... but it was empty. It felt just like the first morning after Tony had moved out. The same gleeful anticipation to see him upon entering, the same disappointment after realizing he wasn't there. She turned around and went back into the living room. Now she saw the little piece of paper on the couch table. 'So grateful. Thank you. T.' Sure he wanted to get back as soon as possible. What was she thinking? That they would have a cozy breakfast together? 'Accept that he's out of your life, you silly cow!', she scolded herself. He had put his priorities elsewhere and had only come to her because he was desperate. The sooner she understood that, the better for her.

She rushed upstairs, took a quick shower, put on her business clothes and got herself ready for another day as founder and president of the Bower Agency. She switched off every light in the house and locked the front door behind her. Because of the persisting ache this evening left in her heart, it would take quite some time until her next stay in this house. The closer she approached New York City and the farer behind she left Fairfield, the more relieved she felt. Her self-confidence and self-esteem returned and she felt strong again. Everybody who saw her now would think of her as an independent and powerful woman, and not of this vulnerable and self-conscious picture of misery she had been last night.

And from now on she would restart her life without him, just as he had done more than four years ago.

* * *

At the same time, Tony was on his way back to the hospital, driving his car on a detour because of the floodings last night's thunderstorm had caused. Angela had been right, driving back last night would have been impossible. He had had a restless sleep. Because of the fear for his little girl but also because this woman was still confusing him. Their four-year separation hadn't changed anything about it. The openness and compassion with which she had let him into her house had deeply ashamed him. She had issued him a blank cheque! This piece of paper, which could mean total cure for Lynnie, felt like a band-aid on the cut he was having ever since he had left Fairfield four years ago. She didn't resent him after all, she had shown him her unconditional friendship once again and now it definitely was his turn. He would have to do something for her in return. But he wasn't able to think about it right now, Lynnie was his main concern. But as soon as she was alright again, he would begin to rebuild his relationship to Angela which was still as precious to him as it had always been. Never had his wife stood by him so unconditionally and supportively as Angela had last night, which had made one thing totally clear to him, one thing he had been racking his brain about a lot lately.

He had married the wrong woman.


	12. Part Two - Chapter 12

_**Author's note: **I couldn't stop myself from bringing in a little bit of my German background. Maybe some of you are surprised that Germans eat more than just bratwurst ..._

* * *

_**Another Year Later**_

**12**

'What a week!', Angela thought. 'If I have to face one more demanding client or touchy staff member, I freak out!' She threw her briefcase into the small closet right by the door, followed by her black high heels. "Ouch! My feet are killing me.", she said to herself. She leaned her back against the door and inhaled deeply. "And I'm not even through yet.", she whined. Michael had asked her to meet him to talk about Jonathan's scholastics and career opportunities. They had planned to have dinner in a fancy and very expensive restaurant downtown, but now that she was so tired she rather wanted to stay at her apartment and order something in. Well, he was her ex-husband, he wasn't taking her out for a date, so why shouldn't he agree? She dialed his number.

"Hello Michael, this is Angela. Would you mind if we had our little chat here in my apartment? I had a tough week at the agency. I'm a bit worn-out and I don't think I can squeeze my feet into something other than my bunny slippers." ... "Okay, thank you. I could order something to eat from a very good German restaurant around the corner. Have you ever had a 'sauerbraten' with raisins, gravy and potato dumplings? Goes along very well with white wine." ... "All right, then it's settled. We're having dinner here." She gave him the address and let out a sigh of relief. She was glad she didn't have to dress up for a prestigious restaurant where she might run into some business partners or, even worse, fellow ad execs. She called the 'Loreley', the German restaurant, to place her order. In addition to the 'sauerbraten' she ordered a consommé with sliced pancakes as first course, something they called a 'Fritattensuppe' over there, and as a dessert she couldn't resist the variety of German miniature cakes. One of them was a delicious Black Forest cake with a bit of 'kirschwasser' she indulged in every time she had been at that restaurant. This cake made her even forget for a short moment that actually Tony's double chocolate cake was her favourite. She chose a dry Riesling from the Rheingau region and ordered two bottles, just in case.

Angela was wondering what she had to expect from the evening. Michael had hardly ever interfered with his son's life. He even hadn't been to Jonathan's high school graduation because of a trip to Europe with his second wife. Why did he now suddenly want to be part of the decision what he was up to after business school? She hadn't heard anything from her ex-husband for ages and was a bit apprehensive to see him again. How would their encounter be so many years after their divorce? They hadn't exactly become friends after the failure of their marriage but their divorce hadn't been a war of roses either. How would he look like? Still as handsome as when she had fallen in love with him? Older, for sure, but some men aged well. So although Angela didn't dress up much she still took some care for her appearance. A pair of black pants, a nice blouse and definitely no bunny slippers. She combed her hair, refreshed her make-up and put on the earrings Michael had given her as a sign of gratitude after Jonathan's birth. Would he recognize them?

She had a look at her watch. Almost 8:30 - too late, as always. "Michael Bower, who do you think you are?", she said loud. He wasn't even there and annoyed her already. Great! She laid the small dinner table, trying to remember who had been her last guest. It was a guy she had met at an advertising banquet. He had been very charming and was a good dancer and talking to him that evening had reminded Angela of what was missing in her life; sociability, togetherness, ... love. So she had been quite hopeful for the date and had preferred the intimacy of her apartment with the breathtaking view of the city at night. She had even considered making out with him on her huge designer leather couch in front of the fireplace in case he sent unambiguous signals. But he hadn't. Instead he had been talking about his ex-wife and their custody battle the entire evening. He hadn't stopped lamenting about women in general and Angela hadn't felt desired at all. The evening had ended with him crying on the couch she had in mind for some other purpose. What a flop! From that night on, Angela had only focused on her work and had been small talking to men only for business reasons. She sighed. How much longer would she lead life like a celibate? Tony had been the last man she really desired and he was with another woman. Michael had been a man she really desired and he also was with another woman. Would there ever be a man who truly desired her? Someone who would chase the shadows away Tony's break-up had left on her life?

She sat down on the couch and stared into the flames in her stylish fireplace when the doorbell suddenly rang. Buried in thought she startled, jumped up and shortly checked the video monitor which showed her the person standing in front of her door: Michael. 'Wow, not bad!', she thought and was happy to have at least a neat guy to look at this evening. She opened the door. "Hello Michael!", she greeted him. 'Wow, wow. Really not bad!' He wore a dark suit, white shirt with a green tie and looked really good. A bit grayer at the temples and some little wrinkles around his eyes, but still a commanding figure. And, she couldn't believe it, he had a bunch of roses in his hand. Well, white roses, not pink ones, her favorite, but during her marriage he had never, not even once, surprised her with flowers.

"Hi Angela. Thanks for the invitation." Michael's voice was as strong and deep as ever.

"Come on in." She let him walk past her into the apartment and smelled a familiar scent. Still the same cologne. He paused in the middle of the room and turned around, holding the flowers out to her.

"These are for you." He smiled. "You look great, Angela. Time has treated you well."

"Thank you, Michael. You look good yourself. Nice tie. Green always suited you."

"Gee, you're wearing the earrings I gave you for Jonathan's birth! I bet you thought I wouldn't recognize them." He showed her the boyish grin she had always loved about him. Angela shrugged and laughed. "Got me." Well, that was a good start, she thought. No unnecessary tension between them, no awkwardness. 'Maybe it's going to be a nice evening after all.'

Michael took a look around the apartment and was impressed. "Wow, Angela. This is a neat place. What a view!" He stood at one of the huge living room windows. "The city literally lies at your feet, it's almost symbolic. Your advancement to the Mount Olympus of advertising even made it to the newspapers in California." During their marriage, he had been annoyed by Angela's career. He had wanted a wife who saw her prime role in supporting her husband and taking care of the household and kids. When Angela had started to pursue her own professional career Michael had first thought it was just some kind of pastime for her. If he was honest, he would've to admit that he hadn't given her too much credit for being so successful. Now, he actually was a bit proud he had chosen such a clever and intelligent woman as his first wife. Especially because his second wife was the complete opposite; she was satisfied with being just Mrs. Michael Bower without having any professional ambitions of her own.

The doorbell rang once again. Dinner was being delivered. Along with the food Angela had asked for someone to serve it because she didn't want to spend her time preparing the plates in the kitchen. She wanted to talk with Michael about Jonathan. The waiter introduced himself as Johannes and went right into the kitchen to start his work. After unpacking and arranging all the different boxes, pots and saucepans he poured two glasses of the Riesling, told them he would need ten more minutes to re-heat the soup and retreated into the kitchen. Angela and Michael were alone and raised their glasses. Michael proposed a toast.

"To our wonderful son. One of the few things we did together we can be really proud of." He smiled at Angela.

She smiled back at him and took a sip of wine. "Hmmmm, this is good."

They recalled some of the adventurous trips and joyous family activities the three of them had experienced together and walked down memory lane for a while. Johannes served the soup and later the main course, a German traditional roast with a unique dark gravy made with raisins, served with potato dumplings and apple-sauce. Michael was surprised about the choice of food - all he knew about the German cuisine until this evening had been bratwurst and sauerkraut - but he enjoyed it.

"Angela, since when are you an expert on German cooking? This is really good!", he said while bringing a fork loaded with roast and dumpling to his mouth.

"Actually, I'm rather an expert on German eating than German cooking!" She chuckled and Michael had to laugh. He had always loved the way she could make fun of herself. "All jokes aside ... the German Tourist Association was a client of mine a few months ago. The managing director took me out for dinner to this restaurant to familiarize me with German gastronomic specialties. It should get me into the right mood for developing a nationwide campaign to promote Germany as a holiday destination. Well, it worked. We came up with a pretty good concept and it all started with the sensational cakes they have there. Wait until you've tried the Black Forest cake or the Bienenstich! Heaven!"

Michael hung on Angela's every word. He was fascinated by the enthusiastic way she spoke about her work; she loved it as much as he loved making wildlife documentaries. It suddenly occurred to him how unfair he had been during their marriage to ask her to subordinate her career to his. Then, he had wished he would've had a wife less demanding, now, he wished he had a wife just like that. 'Funny, how you always think the grass is greener on the other side.', crossed his mind. Being married to his second wife, he had sometimes wished she challenged him a bit more intellectually. Angela, who didn't know what was going through Michael's mind, suddenly changed their subject as if on cue.

"How's Heather?"

"I don't know.", Michael answered honestly.

"You don't know?" Angela looked at him bewildered.

"No, I don't know. We're divorced for six months."

"Has this become a tradition of yours, Michael? A divorce every ten years?" Angela asked herself whether this man understood what the holy bond of matrimony was all about.

"It's different this time. _She_ left _me_! She ran away with a rock musician - a bit younger than me ..." He took a deep breath. He still felt embarrassed for being dumped for an unsuccessful half-baked guitar player. At least they didn't have any intellectual gap.

"Oh my, I'm sorry." She really empathized with him. She didn't have any hard feelings about him any more and he hadn't left her for another woman, let alone a younger woman. He just hadn't been able to settle down and she hadn't been willing to give up her professional ambitions to follow him into the jungle. Their life planning hadn't been in sync, so a separation was almost inevitable.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, sort of. My male pride's hurt of course, but it's recovering. Maybe I deserved this after I had ruined our marriage?", he stated and he meant it.

"That's nonsense! Nobody deserves to be treated that way." She gently laid her hand on his.

"That's nice of you to say. Sounds as if you've forgiven me."

"Come on, Michael. That's history. We've both moved on after the failure of our marriage. There's no use in going back." Angela was surprised that Michael didn't hide his vulnerability from her. She had never seen him so exposed and emotional. There was a short awkward silence between them. Johannes entered once again and served the dessert: the variety of German cakes Angela was looking forward to and two cups of coffee. Then he told Angela someone from the restaurant would pick up the remnants of the dinner the next morning and excused himself for the rest of evening. Michael and Angela were alone. With the cup at his mouth Michael asked a question Angela wasn't prepared for at all.

"Angela, this apartment is awesome but I was wondering what you bought it for. Aren't you commuting to your agency from Fairfield anymore?" Angela's heart skipped a beat.

"No.", she said breathlessly.

"Why not?"

"Because there's nobody in the house anymore."

"Nobody in the house? Jonathan and Samantha have moved out, I know, but what about Tony?" An odd thought was flying through Michael's head but it seemed to be so unimaginable that he didn't try to grab it.

"Tony isn't there either. There's nobody. It's empty and too big just for me alone."

"Oh, I see. At which school is Tony teaching?" Michael still didn't understand what Angela was trying to tell him. He thought Tony was just working in another city but didn't know anything about the sad turn their relationship had taken at last.

"He isn't teaching anywhere! Don't you get it, Michael? He isn't there anymore, not in my house and not in my life!" Angela was very upset now. Michael was appalled by her emotional outburst.

"You're not together anymore?" He couldn't believe it.

"Never have been." She pressed her lips together, her mouth nothing but a thin line. Michael could feel all the sadness and the bitterness talking about this evoked in Angela.

"I don't understand it! You were perfect together! What happened?" He looked at her questioningly. Only when he saw how tensed up she suddenly was, he began to realize that he had hit a severely wounded spot. "Tell me.", he asked her softly, reaching across the table for her hands.

He listened to her story. She told him everything: about Kathleen, about their little daughter, about how Tony broke off their friendship and about how he had showed up after Lynnie's accident. "And you haven't heard anything from him ever since?" That didn't sound like Tony. Michael had known him as a decent, trustworthy and sensitive person. Angela absent-mindedly shook her head. She had managed to keep her composure until this very moment but not any longer. When the first tears began to fall Michael couldn't stand by and watch her distress anymore. He pulled his chair beside hers, laid one arm around her shoulder and brushed away the tears from her cheek with his thumb. Angela was thankful for the support her ex-husband was giving her. She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. But she couldn't stop crying. All the pain and suffering she had been suppressing for so long came to the surface vehemently. Michael stroked her back, then her hair, he took her in his arms, trying to ease her sorrow. As nothing really helped he cupped her face with both hands and looked deeply in her tear-stained eyes and gently kissed her lips.

Angela didn't move. She stared at Michael, the sensation of his warm lips still on hers. It had felt so good! Was there really a man showing her compassion? She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. How she missed being touched, and kissed, and loved! She felt his lips once again on her mouth, more intense this time, and just couldn't resist ...

* * *

Angela was at the threshold from sleep to awakening; her dreams were still lingering on and she didn't really know whether she was still sleeping or already awake. She slowly became aware of the fact that she was lying in the arms of a man. A long forgotten but very familiar sensation appropriated her and she suddenly remembered how the evening had ended and whose arms she was lying in. Although she was a bit shocked about how the conversation with Michael had turned out, she enjoyed being wrapped in a strong man's arms. She felt safe and protected. The way Michael had made love to her last night had made her feel cherished and desired. She felt like a woman again. What an uplifting feeling! And it healed her wounded, rejected soul; at least for a while. If the choices were hers to make, she would stay in this bed with him forever.

Angela tried not to move in order not to wake Michael up. She thought about the time their marriage had been easygoing, carefree and utterly happy. Jonathan hadn't been born yet and she had just started to work for a mid-size advertising agency as a copy writer. Work hadn't consumed so much of her time so she had joined Michael regularly on his trips to shoot documentaries all over the world. Life with him had been adventurous and exciting these days. They had been so young and very much in love. Never had she considered it possible that they would be separated one day. Troubles hadn't begun to cloud Angela's bliss until her first boss had noticed her talent and had promoted her to head copy writer. Michael hadn't endorsed her professional ambitions because they had interfered with his interests. Their marriage had begun to get chapped. He had tried to settle down after Jonathan's birth to be the responsible family man everybody, especially Angela, had expected him to be. But he had become more and more dissatisfied and had eventually chosen the emergency exit of a life that just hadn't been his. Angela sighed and shifted her body a little.

"Morning. Penny for your thoughts." Michael's voice unexpectedly broke the silence.

He had already been awake for quite some time, unnoticed by Angela. He had also walked down memory lane and all the arguments both of them had regularly been having about him leaving the family for movie shoots came to his mind. Angela had never given in and had fought like a lioness for her cause, just like the ones he had been observing during his trips. Now he admired her strong will and stamina, then he had been annoyed. He had frequently accused her to bind him and force him into an office job he didn't like. Their different ideas about marriage and family life had pulled them apart.

"I've been thinking about the good times.", Angela replied and lifted her head. Their eyes locked. The situation felt surreal; to both of them.

"Why did this happen, Michael?" Angela shook her head and let out a distressed laugh.

"Well, I haven't planned it either! I guess we both know that this isn't the beginning of something, Angela. We've had our time and it wasn't so bad after all, was it? And last night? ... Let's say we were both in the need of a human touch, of a bit of warmth and ... uh, love." He sighed. "We both felt alone and rejected and ..." He looked at her, sober and serene. "... well, we both knew what we would get." Angela looked away bashfully. "We might've had problems in our marriage, lovemaking sure wasn't one of them." He showed her a boyish grin and she also had to smile. He was right, she had needed the feeling of being desirable and wanted and she had known that Michael could give it to her. She had used him, but it had been mutual so nobody got hurt. To the contrary, she felt good and relieved - no embarrassment, no guilt.


	13. Part Two - Chapter 13

**13**

"I have a cup of coffee at the cafeteria until you're done with your therapy, okay Lynnie?"

Tony asked his daughter for permission to leave her alone while she took off her shoes and pants to get ready for another physio session. Although she had been to almost hundreds of these, she never got angry or impatient. Lynnie worked hard to achieve her most important goal: to be able to run and jump around just like her friends again. Angela's money had enabled them to pay a very famous doctor who had recently developed a new and very promising method to treat cases just like Lynnie's. It included regular physiotherapy which was given her at a hospital downtown New York. Because Kathleen usually had to work during the doctor's appointments, it was mostly Tony who was in charge for Lynnie's treatment. He was proud of his little daughter, who was barely five years old but handled her accident and its aftermath much better than most adults. She never complained or despaired, she was always positive and committed. And she was making progress, slowly but steadily, and that kept everybody hopeful that she would recover completely some day. She was still so young, the doctor kept telling him, and a young body tolerated a lot more than an older body.

Tony knew that there was nothing for him to do within the next one and a half hours, so he made his way directly to the cafeteria through the labyrinth of aisles he had memorized by now. He took a shortcut past the main reception desk, something the nurses once allowed him to do after he had become a regular visitor. They all adored Lynnie and of course the fact that Tony was still considered to be a hunk didn't harm. He waved one of the nurses in charge who was talking to a man obviously checking somebody in and had almost passed through the door when he stood still abruptly. The man he only saw from behind looked somewhat familiar. No, it can't be him, can it?

"Michael? Michael Bower?"

The man straightened his back and turned around. It was him!

"Tony? What are you doing here?", Michael asked, equally surprised to see him.

"My daughter is here for a physio session. But what are you doing here? I thought you lived in California."

"I'm just passing through. I met Angela to talk about Jonathan's options after business school. I've just checked her in!", Michael answered his question.

"Who?"

"Angela. She fainted while we were having lunch at the Russian Tea Room." Michael gave Tony a quick report about their meeting the evening before - without the part that they had spent the night together of course - and that they had continued their talk at lunch.

"Since when are you caring about Angela on a regular basis?" Tony couldn't bite back a bit of sarcasm as in the past Michael had rather proven to be the unreliable and inconsiderate kind of ex-husband.

"Since _you_ stopped doing so!" Michael threw the accusation right back in Tony's face. Touché!

"Uhmmm ...", Tony uttered conscience-smitten, suddenly grasping what Michael had just said. He had checked Angela into a hospital!

"What happened to Angela? Something serious?"

"No, not really serious. A blackout obviously. I guess she worked too much, slept too little and she didn't eat very healthily. She's really underweight." Michael summarized what the doctor had told him after a first quick examination. "Her blood pressure is a bit low and she lacks some vitamins. So they've hooked her up to an IV and want to keep her a few days to restore her vitamin and mineral balance, give her time to regain her strength and do some check-ups." He saw Tony's worried eyes staring at him and wanted to calm him.

"No need to worry, Tony. You still seem to care a lot about her."

"Well, yes of course!" Tony could read some incomprehension in Michael's face. 'How much does he know?', he asked himself.

"Only because we haven't seen each other in a while doesn't mean we don't care about each other any more.", Tony tried to explain.

"Angela told me you're married and have a little daughter." 'So he knows everything, at least the main facts.'

"That's right. My daughter had an accident and gets her regular treatment here." Tony felt uneasy to talk with Angela's ex-husband about the difficult turn their relationship had taken.

"Which Angela is paying for!", Michael stated dryly. 'What else has she told him?' Tony got a bit anxious.

"How could you leave her, Tony? She still cares a lot about you, don't you know that?", Michael said in an accusing tone. "She's lost without you!" Tony slouched his shoulders and just wanted to reply something to explain the situation when he suddenly realized how ludicrous this conversation was.

"Wait a minute! You also left her, remember? You left your wife and son alone out of the blue. You didn't seem to care then! So how come you're blaming me now?" Tony thought there was a difference between leaving your family because your career was more important to you and why he had to leave Angela; it hadn't been his wish to leave her, it had been Kathleen's demand. Whilst the result was the same: Angela was left alone. Poor woman ...

"You're right, Tony. I apologize. It was just that I had dinner with Angela yesterday and lunch today and I've never seen her that fragile and vulnerable.", Michael pointed out.

"Wow! Dinner. Lunch. You guys aren't back together, are you?" Tony didn't begrudge Angela a boyfriend but her ex-husband? Another try? Really?

"No! No, definitely not!", Michael exclaimed a bit too sudden and a bit too forcefully to Tony's liking.

"Well, we all know the saying 'no sex with your ex', don't we?" Tony laughed a little awkwardly, both appalled and embarrassed to have uttered something like that. If he had been honest with himself, he'd have to admit that it wasn't meant as a saucy joke among men; he wanted to be sure that nothing was between them than. He couldn't believe it ... he was really a bit jealous!

"Uhm, yes Tony, we all know that saying.", Michael said and looked away. He was afraid his eyes would unmask him if they met Tony's.

"I was on my way to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. Would you like to join me?" Tony made an inviting gesture towards Michael who eventually nodded.

"That's a good idea. Angela got me a bit scared when she turned pale from on second to the next, so a hot, strong coffee might soothe my nerves. Let's go."

Tony pushed the door open and they walked the rest of the way to the cafeteria in silence. When they arrived there, Tony motioned Michael to have a seat and ordered two cups of coffee and a sandwich. Approaching the table Michael had chosen Tony said, "I weren't sure whether Angela fainted before or after lunch. So I brought you something to eat. These sandwiches are quite good. I already had a lot of them, given the hundreds of times I've already been here." He placed the plate in front of him. "Thanks. I am a bit hungry actually." Michael started unwrapping the sandwich and took a big bite. "Hmmm, this really is good!" They sat opposite each other for a while, each man in deep thought, when Michael suddenly began to speak.

"You know what, Tony? I always thought that Angela and you would end up being married. I'm a bit surprised, to be honest, that you married another woman." Tony was flummoxed. What did he say?

"What made you believe that?"

"Well, the first time I saw you two together I already noticed you were more than just employer and employee. When I first came to Fairfield after having left Angela. We weren't divorced yet and we gave our marriage one last try. Remember?" Of course he remembered. It had been the first time he was afraid to lose her after Michael had fired him. "I knew why I wanted you out of the house ..." Michael hadn't forgotten the look of Angela's face after he had told her he wanted Tony to quest for another job.

"Michael, I had just moved into Angela's house a few months earlier. We were having an all appropriate business relationship. I can assure you that!"

"I'm pretty sure it was appropriate but you were more than just a housekeeper. You've already become her friend. And by the time you came to California for my wedding, it was obvious.", Michael stated nonchalantly.

"What was obvious?" Tony couldn't believe what he was telling him.

"That she had a crush on you." Tony's jaw dropped. He stared at Michael who had to chuckle because of the puzzled face he looked into. Could he be right? Had Angela been developing feelings for him that early? He knew that he liked her from the beginning but more as a friend, at least he hadn't allowed himself to think in any other direction. She had been his boss!

"A crush?", he asked incredulously.

"Yes, a crush! Believe me, I know how Angela makes mooneyes at a man she has a crush on! ... Don't look at me like that, Tony. I was happy she had you. It made me feel less guilty for marrying Heather. I mean, how you fought on her side to keep custody of Jonathan spoke volumes." He smiled and shook his head. "You had already become a family. Obviously you hadn't realized back then." Tony couldn't think straight anymore. Was he really sitting here with Michael Bower telling him that Angela had a crush on him on his own wedding? It had already been weird enough that he had his ex-wife plus her housekeeper and daughter around at this occasion. He couldn't figure out Michael. Why were they having this conversation?

"Tony, do you think it was fair to take Angela's money for your daughter's treatment after four years of silence and leave without even saying 'thank you' and 'goodbye'?" Did she tell him everything? She really must have been in an unstable emotional condition last night, if she had told him the entire story. 'This kind of explains her breakdown today.", he thought. Tony only knew her as a very strong woman, always in control of the situation and someone who never showed others her innermost emotional turmoil. Well, almost never. Tony remembered the time Angela had been fired. That had thrown her off the track so much, she had lost her composure in front of him and had cried in his arms. Was it possible that he had caused an inner turmoil so big that she broke down? His heart began to ache and he let out a deep sigh.

"No, that wasn't fair, I'm well aware of that. But I didn't know where else to go. I was devastated, my daughter was lying in a hospital bed, paralyzed from chest down, I couldn't think of anything else but helping her, disregarding my or any other's sensitivities. I was in an emergency situation." He knew this wasn't a reason good enough for having left without saying 'goodbye' but what was done was done, no way he could change it anymore.

"Tony, you must leave her alone, because showing up once in a while, when it suits you, and then vanishing again for an indefinite time, is just cruel. Angela doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Sometimes a clear cut is less painful in the long run." Michael was very serious about this. Although she was his ex-wife, he still felt strongly connected to her through their son, and he didn't want to see her suffer. And that she was indeed suffering had become very obvious this day.

Tony swallowed hard. He was right. Just because he couldn't get Angela out of his mind - and he had tried - he had to concede her the chance of a life without him interfering time and again. Just minutes before Michael had uttered his demand, he had hold the thought in his mind to ask him whether he could see her but abstained from doing so now. He would only twist the knife in the wound once again. So, a clear cut! How was he supposed to get along with that? Well, he would have to figure it out. His eyes fell on the huge hospital clock hanging on the wall of the cafeteria.

"Oops, Michael, Lynnie's therapy session is almost over. I'm afraid I have to go. Thanks for your open words. Be sure I never meant to hurt Angela and I'm not planning to do so in the future."

"I know you're a decent man, Tony. You'll make the right decisions, I'm sure. All the best for you and your daughter. And one more thing ... I won't tell Angela anything about this." He pointed at the two of them. Tony nodded, they shook hands, then he turned around and left the cafeteria. 'What has gone wrong?', he asked himself. 'Why has my life become nothing but an endless struggle?' He was determined to figure it out but there was on thing he was absolutely sure about already: there was no way, neither for him nor for Angela, to go on like this.


	14. Part Two - Chapter 14

**14**

Angela opened her eyes and after a brief moment of disorientation she knew where she was - in a hospital downtown New York. The shocked expression on Michael's face shortly before everything went dark came back to her mind. She remembered the paramedics calling her name and Michael holding her hand in the ambulance. She could picture the events in her mind's eye like a movie: she had met Michael once again for lunch because the evening before had turned out completely different from what both of them had expected and they had hardly talked about Jonathan and his career options. She remembered having read the menu at the Russian Tea Room with a constantly growing feeling of nausea. She had been terribly cold, then suddenly very hot. The world around her had begun to spin around und she suddenly felt giddy. The last thing she had seen was Michael's worried face talking to her but she hadn't heard a single word. Then only darkness and quiet. What a relieving quiet that had been!

Her room now was quiet too. Only disturbed once in a while by the gentle buzzing of the blood-pressure gauge on her upper left arm which regularly took her blood pressure. A short knock at the door, then a doctor came in, followed by a nurse.

"Ah, you're awake. Good. Hello Ms. Bower. I'm Doctor Rutherford, the physician in charge.", he introduced himself. "This is nurse Sandra, she will look after you for the next few hours. How do you feel?"

"Tired. Exhausted.", Angela said, her mouth dry, her eyelids heavy.

"Well, that's pretty much what you are. It seems as if you have demanded far too much from your body lately." He looked at her like a strict teacher who censured one of his pupils. "A human body isn't a machine which can be operated 24/7, you have to give it a break from time to time. Given the state you're in right now there must have been signals in the past weeks. Like fatigue, headache, vertigo ..."

"Once in a while I was a little tired.", Angela replied weakly.

"A _little_ tired? Hmmmm, okay. What about headache and vertigo?"

"I've had some minor headaches and in the morning I was dizzy a few times."

Doctor Rutherford stayed adamant. He knew those kind of patients, workoholics who downplayed their afflictions and thought they could force their bodies to function with only their strong will. But with this woman there was something else. He had to get to the bottom of things.

"Any emotional stress lately? Your husband kept on apologizing to you while you were with the paramedics, so they told me."

"Ex-husband." Angela stated curtly. Emotional stress? Angela took a deep breath. Lately? She was feeling emotionally stressed for ages. "Maybe." How could she explain her hurt soul to a total stranger?

"As I see it, Ms. Bower, therapy is quite easy. You have to work less, take regular breaks, sleep more and put yourself on a healthy diet; you're underweight and you lack some vitamins. We'll keep you here for another two or three days to keep an eye on your blood pressure. As you might have noticed we're taking it once every 30 minutes. It's a bit low which is why you have fainted in that restaurant. If it doesn't rise within the next 24 hours, we'll put you on a medication, but I'm quite positive that it will do so. The IV we've hooked you up on contains glucose, vitamins and minerals and should strengthen your system. We'll be able to release you as soon as your blood pressure has risen and your vitamin and mineral balance is restored. But if you go on living your life like before, we will have the honour to welcome you here again pretty soon. Think about it!" He threw her one more of his stern looks, then turned to the nurse. "Sandra, please make sure she drinks enough and eats regularly. Could you organize some of these high-calory muesli bars for her?" The nurse nodded. The doctor looked back at Angela.

"Okay. Any questions, Ms. Bower?"

"No." When would he be finished and eventually leave her alone? As if it was so easy to work less if work was what kept you occupied and prevented you from thinking too much about what you had lost.

"Good. I'll check on you once again at the end of my shift." He laid his hand on Angela's arm and smiled at her, reassuringly this time not reprovingly. "No worries. Everthing's going to be fine. Just take care of yourself a little more and try to eliminate what lays so heavily on your mind. It doesn't need a shrink to see that you're emotionally worn out."

After the doctor and the nurse had left the room, Angela let out a deep sigh of relief. She just wanted to close her eyes and drift off to a relaxing sleep where she didn't have to think about work, Michael or ... Tony.

Next time she opened her eyes she saw her mother sitting on a chair beside her bed.

"Hey sleepy head. I could have knitted a pair of socks if I had wanted to while you were strolling through dreamland."

"Hello Mother." Angela's voice was still weak and powerless. Mona looked at her daughter worried. She wasn't herself anymore. Something had to be done.

"Angela, how about you and I go for a vacation to a spa somewhere far away from New York. Leave your agency to your over-paid vice presidents. We take some time to relax, have some good food, get some beauty treatments - anti-eye rings for you and cleavage refreshment for me ..." She grinned and Angela smiled back at her. "Time to talk!" Mona sensed it was definitely time she had a talk with her daughter. They had been avoiding the end of her friendship to Tony long enough now. She would have to drag Angela out of her shell. Bottling up her feelings for so long hadn't worked too well obviously. Mona was absolutely sure that the breakdown was a long postponed bodily reaction to the loss of Tony because Angela had never properly recovered from her emotional pain. She had tried to deny her agony and that wasn't a healthy strategy. Mona had found out herself after the death of her husband. She knew what she was talking about, she would help her daughter out of that mess!

"That's a nice idea, Mother. A bit of a distance from everything would be good for me I guess."

"What _is_ the matter with you, Angela? The day before yesterday you still seemed to be okay, a bit stressed and exhausted maybe, but nothing like this. What happened? Does it have anything to do with your meeting with Michael?" Mona's sixth sense was telling her that something must have happened between the moment Angela had left the office yesterday and her fainting in the Russian Tea Room on day later; the proverbial last straw to break the camel's back.

"I slept with him, Mother! I slept with Michael!" Angela still couldn't believe that it had really happened.

"Oh, good.", was Mona's unexpected remark.

"Good? What's so good about it?" Angela couldn't believe what her mother had just said.

"It shows me you're human, Angela. Everybody needs a little bit of love sometimes - emotionally _and_ physically. Even you! I'm glad you let somebody give you some love; even if it didn't necessarily had to be Michael though ... " She raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. She had never really taken him into her heart while they were married and after he had left her daughter and grandson she disliked him even more. "Maybe this could be a start for you to open up your heart again to the male part of the human race?" Mona had witnessed the way Angela had been keeping her emotions away from everybody - especially men - since Tony had left the house and it had broken her heart.

"No, Mother. I'm through with men!" Angela sounded firm and determined, her voice suddenly strong. "All the men I've relied on and trusted in my life have disappointed me. Daddy was the first. He meant the world to me and he left me far too early. I know he didn't want to, but he did nonetheless. Michael promised to love and cherish me until death would part us and he left me after only ten years of marriage. And Tony ..." She closed her eyes; a single tear ran down her cheek and seeped away in the pillow right beneath Angela's face. "Somehow I thought he was the soul mate how I could always count on in my life. He asked me to wait until he would know how far our relationship can go. And I waited. I waited so long until he left me for another woman. That's even worse than being left alone for some wild animals or when death takes away someone you love." Another tear joined the wet spot on the pillow. "And he not only broke this committment, he also abandoned our friendship. He assigned his priorities and I'm not one of them. Period!"

Angela's features had stiffened during the summarization of her experiences with the three most important men in her life. Mona was shocked about how hopeless and final she had sounded. She knew the feeling of losing a beloved man. She hadn't even been fifty when her husband had died and it had taken her a long time to get over it. But eventually she had opened her heart again, although none of the men she had been dating since then had come close to taking Robert's place. But Mona could imagine that loosing the man you love to another woman was even harder to live with than loosing him to death. It would take her a lot of work to raise Angela's morale again.

"Oh, my dear little angel! I'm so sorry. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist to talk about your losses and disappointments. The human soul is not made for being single, it needs a match."

"I've had mine, Mother. I've had my perfect match. At least I thought so. But I lost it and I won't look for another one."

Angela closed her eyes and turned her back towards her mother. It was obvious that the conversation was over.

* * *

Tony was on his way back to the physio's office because Lynnie had forgotten her jacket at the morning session. He rushed through the aisles of the hospital and had to let a bunch of doctors and nurses pass. He pressed his back to the wall and his view coincidently fell on a name tag at one of the countless doors: 'A. Bower'. He stared at it, unable to move, and swallowed hard. He didn't know how long he had been standing there, nailed to the ground, when the door suddenly opened and a nurse came out. Tony could read the name which was embroidered in her tunic.

"Excuse me, uhm ... nurse Sandra, is Ms. Bower in her room?", he asked without really knowing what for.

"Yes, she is, but she's sleeping. You may go in, Sir, but please be sure not to wake her up. She needs her sleep - doctor's orders!"

"Of course, thank you, nurse." Sandra smiled at him, excused herself and went away.

What did she say? Angela was sleeping? He could go in there and have a quick look, couldn't he? Only a very short moment, just to see whether she was alright according to the circumstances. He slowly opened the door and peeked inside. He scanned the room and saw no other visitor, so he tiptoed in. Angela was lying on her side with her back turned towards the door, so he had to walk around the bed to be able to see her face. Tony had tears in his eyes at the view of her; she looked so delicate and worn out! She was much thinner than the last time he had seen her, she had dark circles under her eyes and her blond hair had lost all its shine. He had to put a hand over his mouth to prevent a feeble cry to slip out. On the small bedside table he could spot the remains of her last meal and a bitten into muesli bar; she hadn't eaten much. Suddenly the blood-pressure gauge started to do its work and took Angela's data: 80 over 50 - wow, that was low! Tony couldn't remember that she ever was hypotensive. He stared at the liquid which made its way drip by drip through an IV access at the back of her left hand. He was startled when Angela suddenly took a deep breath in her sleep and shifted her body to lay on her back. Tony hold his breath, praying for her not to wake up. And his prayers were answered, her ribcage was lifting and lowering rhythmically again, a sign that she was still fast asleep. But he definitely had to get out of this room! He slowly backed out and receded from her bed. One last glance, then he turned around and sneaked through the door.

As soon as he was outside, he took bounding strides and hurried to the physio's office. On his way he panned himself. 'Clear cut, huh? Is that what you mean by a clear cut, Tony? Leave her in peace! If you love her, you have to let her go! And you do love her, don't you?!'


	15. Part Three - Chapter 15

**PART THREE**

**15**

Angela was working in the study of her Fairfield home. There was this very demanding client who never seemed satisfied with the drafts and storyboards they were presenting him. She was used to dealing with difficult clients and the agency was usually winning them with special treatments and redrafted campaigns. In most cases one of her very competent and well-paid art directors would come up with a brilliant idea which convinced the client he indeed had chosen the right agency. But this one wouldn't content himself with some art director, he claimed to be served "by the master and not some trainee" as he had so directly laid on the line. One of Angela's vice presidents had to bite his lip in order not to freak out. Normally, Angela wouldn't work on campaigns anymore - she had hired the best staff for this - but only give her blessings to them, but because she hadn't lost her ability to always come up with another creative approach, she was asked once in a while by one of her employees to help out if a client grew more and more dissatisfied and they faced the risk of losing him. She was highly respected by her staff and everybody took the chance to learn from her if possible.

This client from Germany wanted to introduce a small chocolate-covered cream cake to the American market, something called 'Schokoküsse' there but couldn't possibly be sold as 'chocolate kisses' in America, which would have been the literal translation. This guy had a multi-million dollar account to assign and had already threatened to look for another advertising agency, if the next storyboard they presented him wouldn't be convincing. That had been the moment the responsible art director had chosen to call in Angela. And being the boss she was, she instantly teamed up with them to develop a campaign that would make "Herr Pfeiffer question himself why he ever even considered to hire another agency!", as she had put it. So she was sitting at the desk in her study in Fairfield letting her imagination dive into the world of chocolate, cream, sugar and cakes. She preferred to work on such difficult accounts in her Connecticut house as neither in her office nor in her city apartment she had the quiet and seclusion needed to give her creativity and imagination free reign. If only her mother wasn't living next door! Mona would always try to push her into working less and dating someone instead. But she hadn't dated anyone since the incident with Michael last year. The night she had spent with him had shown her more than strikingly that she was emotionally unstable and vulnerable and had she gone to bed with any other man than Michael, she would've never forgiven herself.

Angela leaned back in her chair, eyes closed, trying to picture the universe of German 'Schokoküsse' when she heard the door bell ring. Mother? No, she wouldn't ring the bell, she would enter through the back door without even bothering to knock. She put her glasses on the desk and got up to answer the door. Another impatient ring elicited an annoyed "Coming, coming!" on her way to the front door. Reluctantly she opened it, having 'Who's disturbing me? I have an important client to care for!' on the tip of her tongue. She was taken by complete surprise spotting the two people showing up at her doorstep and couldn't prevent her jaw from dropping. The two of them looked at each other, grinned and simultaneously greeted her, "Hi!".

"Tony?" How many more times did he want to surprise her with showing up at the most unexpected moments?

"I'm Lynnie!", the girl with the blond pony tail told her, still holding her father's hand. "I can walk again!" She smiled the happiest smile Angela had ever seen. She bent her knees to be able to look her directly in the eye.

"Yes, I can see that. Nice to meet you, Lynnie. I'm Angela."

"Oh, then Daddy used to clean your house!", Lynnie stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, yes. He used to ..." Angela looked up at Tony who was witnessing the little chat his daughter was having with the woman she owed her cure to. Angela slowly rose and stared at him incredulously. She was so flabbergasted about their visit, she didn't know how to handle the situation.

"Uhm, Angela, can we come in?" Tony felt a bit sorry for her that she was so dumbfounded to see them but he himself was in such a good mood, a bit tensed maybe, but he was looking forward to his conversation with her for a change after all the difficult and hurting ones they had been having over the past years.

"Sure. Sorry." She stepped aside and let them pass, watching them in disbelief as if they were some kind of apparition.

"Wow, that's a big house!" Lynnie was amazed by the interior which was so much more luxurious than the apartment she grew up in. "Daddy, can I see your room now?"

"Angela?" Angela was still petrified, her arms folded in front of her chest, not knowing what to think about what was happening right in front of her eyes.

"Yes, sure. Go ahead.", she said mechanically. Her eyes followed them as they climbed the stairs. Tony had to assist his daughter. It was obvious she still had some difficulties controlling her legs. Angela kept staring at the top of the stairs after the two them had already vanished into the hallway. She was so much trapped in her thoughts she didn't notice Mona, who had silently slipped in through the back door. Mona was wondering what had puzzled Angela so much that she was standing motionless near the front door staring upstairs as if some extraterrestrial force had taken possession of her.

"Angela? What's the matter? You look as if you've seen a ghost." Mona asked a little preoccupied. It still made her sad to see her daughter hurting and she kept on asking herself why life wouldn't allow her at least a little bit of private joy.

"As a matter of fact, Mother, I have!" Angela looked at her with empty eyes.

_- "Well, there used to be a bed in there, Sweetheart. I didn't have to sleep on the floor." - _Tony was dissipating his daughter's worries on their way back; his voice could already be heard although they hadn't made it up to the top of the stairs yet. Mona froze at the sound of Tony's familiar but almost forgotten voice.

"See!", Angela said at the sight of her mother who had the same amount of bewilderment on her face, looking at Tony and Lynnie, who now stood at the banister upstairs.

"Tony?!", Mona uttered breathlessly. Seldom had she been so speechless in her life.

"Ey oh, Mona!" Tony wasn't sure what kind of reaction he had to expect from her. He had hurt her daughter and had also betrayed their friendship. But Mona wasn't the unforgiving kind of person.

"Hey Bub, good to see you! It's about time you showed up again!" She hugged him and pinched his cheek. "Who is that beautiful lady you brought with you?"

"Mona, may I introduce you to Ms. Gwendolyn Micelli, my daughter." Tony proudly presented his little girl.

"Nice to finally meet you, Gwendolyn."

"Call me Lynnie. I hate that name!", Lynnie openly admitted.

"Fine, Lynnie. That's a nice name. How about I show you the swing in the garden? Angela used to swing on it when she was little, so it's almost an antique ..." She grinned. "We'll give your dad and Angela some time alone. They have a lot to talk about." Tony thankfully smiled at Mona, Angela still hadn't moved an inch. The entire situation felt surreal, like an out-of-body experience. She looked at her mother questioningly and got a reassuring look back from her.

"You two have a little chat." She cast both a sincere glance saying 'and you better clean up that mess!'

As Angela still wasn't able to handle the situation, Tony suggested, "How about a nice cup of tea in the kitchen? I suppose the kitchen is still there." He pointed to the swinging door. Angela nodded silently. Tony led the way and held the door open for her. She followed him slowly and sat on the chair he had pulled out.

"Sit down, Angela. I make the tea." She observed him; how he filled the tea kettle and put it on the stove, how he took the mugs from the rack where they had always been hanging, how he searched through the cabinet for some tea bags and put them into the mugs.

"Why are you staring at me that way?", he asked her, feeling a bit awkward.

Finally, Angela started to speak. "Well, seeing you in this kitchen brings back a lot of memories ... good memories." She swallowed hard. So did he. The kettle started to whistle and Tony poured the hot water into the mugs and put them on the table. He sat opposite Angela to be able to look at her face. It was important to him to see her reaction about what he was going to tell her.

"Tony, why are you here?" Angela had to think about all the bad news he had brought her with their last conversations. She still had her arms crossed in front of her chest like a defending shield.

"Well, first of all to give you this." He pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and laid it in the middle of the table. She took it, unfolded it and noticed a cheque of five hundred dollars.

"Oh."

"It's the first repayment of my debts. I'm sorry it took me so long to start and that the installment is so small, but I only have a part-time job because I still have to take Lynnie to therapy regularly.", he explained.

"You know you don't have to do this, don't you?"

"But I want to. I'll always be deeply indebted to you for giving me that money - and I don't only mean financially! The least I can do is to give the money back."

"Okay. Thank you.", Angela said, still very controlled and unemotional. Tony took a deep breath. 'So far, so good.', he thought, as that had only been the prelude to what he actually wanted to say.

"Angela, that night, almost two years ago, when I showed up at your door after this horrible accident, and you let me in as if none of what had happened between us before was of any importance, I realized something."

"And what was that?"

"I realized I couldn't live without you in my life."

"You hid that quite well by weaseling out before dawn, leaving nothing but a piece of paper behind saying 'thank you'.", Angela commented dryly. 'Of course she's still hurt.', went through Tony's mind. 'It was cruel to leave her like that.'

"I'm so sorry. I had a restless sleep that night.", he defended himself. "When I woke up, I didn't even know what time it was, I just knew I had to leave as fast as possible." He looked at her and noticed Angela's eyes welled up with tears. He continued. "Fast, because I needed to go back to my little girl but also because I realized that no matter how long I kept myself at arm's length from you, what was between us would never subside." Angela lifted her head and looked him in the eye for the first time. He could read incomprehension in her face and confusion. He sighed. After a short pause he went on. "What you did that night was so overwhelming I just couldn't handle it. There I was, having ruined everything between us, unexpectedly dropping in on you in my distress, crying like a baby on your couch and all you did was comforting me, caring for me and trusting me with this blank cheque - no charges, no arguments, no nothing." He still got goosebumps thinking back to this extraordinary night. "It was this night I realized my marriage to Kathleen never was what I expect from a marriage. What we had, even if there had never been a spoken let alone written commitment, was far more meaningful and profound than what I ever had with her. It was this night I realized I should have never married her."

That was what he had wanted to tell her so badly. Angela had her arms folded again, she took a deep breath in the attempt to control all the different emotions that were showing up within her; sadness, relief, anger, astonishment, disbelief, regret and ... joy. She thought about how this very same night she had decided to finally delete Tony out of her life because she had lost all hope. 'How cynical life can be at times.', she thought.

Tony had made sure he had sorted things out with Kathleen before raising Angela's hopes. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice! So he had waited until this day to open his heart to her. "I'm a divorced man for have a year.", he informed her.

"Oh." Angela was truly surprised. "I'm sorry."

"You are?" Tony asked puzzled, he hadn't expected such a reaction from her at all.

"I know how much you wanted this to work. For your daughter's sake." He could see in her eyes she really empathized with him. "What about her? Do you have custody?"

He shook his head in astonishment. "How do you always know what lies at my heart the most?", he asked her.

"Well, I know you." She showed him a weak smile.

"You are amazing in that, you know that, don't you?"

"Nobody told me in a while to be honest." She looked sad and Tony swore to himself he would show her how amazing she was.

"So, what about custody?", she reminded him.

"We have joint custody. But Kathleen works a lot and doesn't have time to care for all the doctor's appointments and therapy Lynnie still has to go through, so my little whirlwind lives with me. We're kind of a dream team, you know." He smiled.

"Yes, I can imagine. That's good for you and for Lynnie. You're a natural father, Tony. I've always admired how you raised Sam and Jonathan." The tension between them faded a little as Angela started to relax, realizing that this conversation would be different from the last ones she had with him. There was a short silence and both of them took a sip of tea.

"Yikes! What kind of tea is this?"

Angela had to laugh. "I'm afraid fennel is still all we have in stock. I don't spend so much time out here anymore, so stocks are not that abundant." Tony was surprised, he hadn't known.

"Where do you stay instead?" He was a bit afraid of the answer. At her boyfriend's house maybe?

"At my apartment in the city."

He blew a sigh of relief through his teeth. "Close to your office, I suppose." He knew her well, too!

She smiled at him guiltily. "Got me!" How she had missed leisurely chats like this with him. How she had missed him after all!

"Angela?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you think there will ever be an _us_ again?" He took her hands in his; she shivered at his gentle touch.

"There's _us_ sitting here together." Angela stated the obvious.

"That's not what I meant.", he insisted.

"I know what you meant."

"So?"

She looked at him with a calm, firm notion. "I don't know." 'No false expectations.', she reminded herself, 'be cautious, Angela!'

That wasn't exactly the answer he was hoping for but he had anticipated it. So much time had passed and he had burdened her with a lot; betraying her, marrying another woman, having a child with that other woman, putting their friendship on ice - it was a miracle she was still talking to him. Because he didn't know what else to say he decided to show her how serious he was. He leaned in and gently brushed his lips onto hers and as she didn't move backwards he intensified his kiss. Angela was startled at first because of his bold move but then savoured the sensation of his warm, soft lips on hers. She couldn't but close her eyes and answer his kiss. Her heart was beating at double speed and her stomach was doing flip flops. But she wasn't the only one fighting with her emotions. Tony's pulse was running as their kiss got more intense and he wanted so desperately to take her in his arms but didn't want to be too pushy. Her next reaction showed him he was right to control his desire. She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away.

"Don't do this to me, Tony." 'How come I'm still like chocolate in his hands?' Angela's emotions ran wild.

"Angela, the way you answered that kiss showed me you still have feelings for me."

"I've never stopped having feelings for you, Tony. That's what made the last six years almost impossible to bear.", she said with a hoarse voice. Tears began to run down her cheeks. His bad conscience hit him like a hammer. 'What have I done to that wonderful woman?', crossed his mind.

"I will never forgive myself that I put you through so much sorrow. I should have never married her. It didn't feel right from the very beginning.", Tony confessed.

"You did it for the right reason. You would've always regretted it if you hadn't tried to give Lynnie a family to grow up in." Angela knew his self-accusation wouldn't get them anywhere. "By the way, Tony, she's enchanting!"

"Yeah, she is! You'll love her. She already loves you because she knows we owe her cure to your money."

"There's no better way to spend money."

Tony decided to change to a less sensitive topic. "I read a lot about you in the paper. You've really made it to the top, haven't you? Your career is really impressive, Angela." He cast her an admiring look.

"Well, and it all started with you talking me into starting my own agency. That's something I'll always owe you. I would've never had the guts to do it if you hadn't backed me up. I haven't forgotten that." She shortly squeezed his hand in a thankful gesture.

"I bet you haven't.", he said.

Nobody knew what to say next. Suddenly the silence was broken by a loud, "Daaaaaddy! Where are you?" They both heard Lynnie shouting from the living room in search of her father and were thankful for the break she gave them.

"Coming, Sweetheart.", Tony said, pushing the door open and entering the living room. Angela followed him and pictured a dead tired child, with holes in her pants, muddy stains all over her and a soccer ball under her arm. She had to laugh at the girl who was so much more like a boy. "What's up?" Tony asked his daughter.

"Mona wants to treat me an ice cream. She says she has strawberry cheesecake in her freezer! Can I go over to her apartment? It's just around the corner." Lynnie told him gleefully.

"I know, Lynnie, I know. Yes, you can get over to her place. Tell Mona I'll pick you up in a while. We mustn't be home too late. You still have to do your daily therapy routine before going to bed.", he reminded her.

"Oh, do I really have to? How about I skip it today. Just today!", she tried.

"No! No exceptions!" There he was again, the strict father!

"Oooookay.", she gave in. But she didn't quarrel for long with her dad's rigor. "See ya!", she replied cheerfully on her way out.

"I bet Mother got that ice cream out of my freezer." Angela threw in. Although since she wasn't living there on a regular basis anymore, Mona had started to shop groceries herself - at least once in while.

Tony turned around. He was stunned by the view of Angela. She wasn't dressed in any special way or had her hair in some kind of fancy do - well, she hadn't expected anyone - but it was this casual beauty which struck him. God, he loved her and he wanted her! How could he have gotten along without her for so long? Did he have a split personality and did his other self managed to live this 'other life'. He would give his right arm to work things out with her. He later also blamed his other self for what had happened next. He slowly walked over to her, cupped her face with both hands, observed how her expression changed from being amused about Lynnie to quizzical about what he was going to do, then he leaned in and kissed her again. He tried to put all his love into his kiss to show her, to make her feel, how determined he was about this. The two of them were totally taken by the sensation of their touch. It wasn't much more than only a breeze on each others lips because both of them were afraid to move on too fast. They were so much focused on their own emotions that none of them heard the squeaking of the swinging door - Angela had never told Barbara to grease the hinges. Jonathan had entered the living room, completely unsuspecting about who he would going to run into. He stopped dead in this tracks, eyes open wide, and had to gasp. As he saw 'him' - he hadn't spoken out loud his name for ages - his pulse instantly skyrocketed and all the anger, which he had been locking up for almost six years, came to the surface all at once. Just because this was so unexpected, he didn't interfere right away. But when he saw how his mother gently pushed away Tony, breaking the kiss, her features and body language making blatantly obvious her inner turmoil, Jonathan couldn't keep his temper any longer.

"Get your hands off her!"

Angela and Tony startled by the sound of his voice and instantly pulled apart. Angela's knees turned to jelly, so she sat on the backrest of the couch. Tony was perplex but also thrilled to see him. He had missed him very much and wanted to patch his relationship to his lost son too; he wanted to patch everybody's relationship with each other. He wanted to meld them together as a family just like they had been. Only that this would be a lot easier thought than done.

"Don't you dare to take advantage of her once more! Don't you see how vulnerable she is? Leave her alone, nobody needs you around here any more!" Jonathan was so mad that he couldn't spit out his words fast enough. How long had he waited for the moment to tell him what he thought of him? And finally this moment was here. Like a volcano which had built up so much tension unseen deep down below the surface until it broke out in a gigantic eruption.

"Jonathan," Angela interrupted, "not in this tone of voice!" She had never seen her son so furious and upset. She had tried for a long time to make him talk about his emotions; he had always refused. Obviously now he was ready to share them.

"Mom, how dare he waltz into our lives again after six years, kiss you and think everything's gonna be fine? Bastard!"

"Jonathan! Watch your language! To- ". She was sharply interrupted by Tony.

"Let him, Angela. He has every right to be angry. Let him say what he needs to say." If Tony had had the slightest inkling about the huge amount of emotional baggage and rage Jonathan had accumulated within him, he might have rather let Angela silence him.

"Oh, how overly generous of you!", Jonathan said not hiding his sarcasm, "You want to hear what I have to say? Okay, then I tell you what I have to say!" He took a deep breath to get his emotions under control, at least a bit. He was so outraged, his voice cracked because he tried to get it all out at once. That wasn't helpful. Jonathan wanted Tony to get each and every single detail.

"You betrayed us! Not only Mom, but all of us. For six years you played the goody two-shoes here, the 'fun meister'. You told us we were a family and family stuck together and never let each other down. You called me 'son' and 'pal-o-mine' ..." Damn, how come his emotions were threatening to overwhelm him? Hadn't he get rid of them properly enough? He had thought he wouldn't feel anything but anger confronting him once again, but there was something else. It couldn't be really sadness, could it?

"Jonathan, I- ", Tony tried to say but was silenced by a gesture the boy made; he wasn't finished yet.

"No! It's _my_ turn now. _You_ keep your mouth shut and listen!" Angela's eyes widened at his choice of words. Jonathan was a well-educated young man, she had raised him to always be polite talking to persons commanding respect. But that might have been the problem; he had lost all respect for Tony.

Jonathan went on. Despite his plead to never even think of his once beloved surrogate father, he had had this conversation about a hundred times in his imagination already. Now that the dam had been broken, it kept on spouting. "You f***ed up everything," Angela gasped, "just because you didn't have your libido under control. Do you have the slightest idea what you did to us? What it was like around here? How Mom was hurting? You made her sick, it took her years to get over it! And now that your marriage has failed," Sam had told him about the divorce, "you think you can crawl back into the nest? Do you need money again, or what?"

Ouch, that had hit to the core! Jonathan could see his last remark had found its target and he was very pleased. He wanted him to feel bad, at least as bad as he had made them feel. Of course, the boy had never even thought about that Tony could also have been miserable, that he had been missing them as much as they had been missing him. And he didn't know that Tony indeed felt guilty, so guilty that it had taken him half a year to muster up the courage to show up at their front door. He had been expecting rejection and repudiation from them, but not the kind of bitter hatred Jonathan had just confronted him with.

"That's enough, Jonathan!" Angela got up from the sofa, planted herself in front of her son and grabbed his shoulders. "I think Tony got what you wanted to say. Now, calm yourself!" She had always assumed he was angry and disappointed in Tony, but was utterly surprised about his emotional outburst. How could she have overlooked the turmoil he had been dealing with all those years? Well, she hadn't shown anybody how desperate she was, Jonathan had done just the same.

"I better get going. I can't stand being in the same room with _him_!" He cast Tony a dismissive look, turned around and pushed the swinging door open so hard that it banged loudly against the kitchen wall. Tony and Angela stared at the door, swinging back and forth for quite some time until the momentum Jonathan had put on it had died away. As Angela turned around to meet Tony's eyes, she found a deeply hurt man. He was downcast, walked slowly over to the couch and let himself fall powerlessly onto it.

"I'm sorry.", she said, not knowing what else to say.

"Don't be! He's a good kid. He's just trying to protect you. You can be proud of your son! ... And he's right. I was a jerk! And maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come here after all. Angela, if you want me out of your life, tell me! I'll obey your wish. I owe you this much, I know. All of you. Jonathan obviously doesn't want to give me a second chance. ... Do you?" He looked deeply into her eyes and she could read regret and guilt in there. She saw he was begging for her forgiveness. But of course this wasn't something she could do just like that, it would be a long process and a lot of work. She sat beside him, their shoulders were touching, and she took a deep breath. What she was going to say now would determine the future of all of them.

"Tony, you're turning my world upside down once again. It's good to have you back in my life. Well, I guess it's good ... " How come she was so calm while telling him this? For years, her emotional condition had been on a roller coaster ride and her frame of mind had been unstable most of the time, and now she was all composed and very clear about how she wanted to move along. "But we all need time. And you have to restore your relationship with each of us separately. We've all suffered in different ways and have handled the situation on our own. Although I'm afraid Jonathan and I have employed a similar technique." She sighed but turned around to him, smiled and continued with a warm and gentle voice. "I can see you're honest about this. And I can see you've been hurting as well. But it doesn't change the fact that _you_ were the one who left, so now you have to leave the decision to _us_. And we all need time for that decision. ... I'm sorry." She really was. But making a decision now was out of the question. She dreaded to see him go but she also dreaded to see him stay.

"I guess I better leave now." Tony brushed away a tear from his face. "I go and get Lynnie." He stood up, looked around the living room once again - what a cozy place this was! - and left through the back door without any further goodbye. Not because he was angry, but because he didn't know what else to say. He knew he deserved this. He would have to wait like a defendant for the verdict of the grand jury. Guilty or not guilty? Worth a second chance or not?


	16. Part Three - Chapter 16

**16**

On his car ride back home Tony mused about what had happened in Fairfield. He had had such high hopes for the day. He knew that the Bowers had every right to react the way they had done. He had anticipated Angela's reserved reaction. She had never been jumpy or spontaneous when it came to love. He remembered the way she had tried to make up her mind whether she should marry Geoffrey. The woman had made a list with pros and cons to make a decision! Tony had to chuckle, recollecting this particular day. It had been him who explained her that if her heart didn't tell her right away she wanted to marry him, then maybe she shouldn't. And to his immense relief, she had denied Geoffrey's proposal and this dude had vanished out of their lives for good.

What he hadn't expected though was the hatred which had become obvious by Jonathan's reaction. He knew that he had been like a father for him, especially since Michael had moved to California and was out of reach. He hadn't forgotten he made that promise to never let him down, no matter how his relationship to his mother would be. And he hadn't wanted to let him down. He had tried to stay in contact, only that Jonathon hadn't let him! He had gone to his graduation secretly, hiding in the back, wishing to be with him on this special day. Sam had told him once in while how Jonathan was doing; when he had fallen in love with his first girl friend, how proud he was about his driver's license and a car of his own, about his successes as a student at Harvard. He regretted it to have missed these important events in the boy's life. Had somebody asked him how many children he had, Tony would've always said, "Three. Two daughters and a son." And he was determined to win back his lost son! It wouldn't be easy, first he had to bring him to start talking to him again. 'There are a lot of construction zones you have to take care of, Micelli.', he thought by himself.

At least Mona had welcomed him back. He knew he had also betrayed her as a friend, but maybe she was the one who had been able to move on without him the easiest. He bet she hold against him that he had abandoned both her daughter and her grandson, but she had offered him her hand and he had been more than happy to shake it. It seemed as if she was his only ally so far.

The ring of the car phone pulled him out of his musings. The display told him that Sam was calling. He looked in the rear mirror and saw that Lynnie was fast asleep in her car seat. It had been an exciting day for her. She had been looking forward to seeing the house her father had lived in with her big sister and meeting the woman who had paid for her treatment. She had always remembered what he had once told her about his best friend Angela, his former boss, the woman who had made the advertising bill for the green potato chips. She had been very curious about what this woman would be like. She was a bit shocked when Tony had shown her his room. It was completely empty, cold and dark. No furniture and a musty smell as if anyone hadn't been in there for ages. If he had known how right he was about this. Angela had always steered clear of Tony's room after the last piece of furniture had been brought into the garage and Jonathan had refused to set his foot in it even once.

All the events of the day had made Lynnie very tired and so she had fallen asleep as soon as Tony had pulled out of the driveway. If Lynnie hadn't been sleeping, Tony wouldn't have answered the call, he didn't want her to overhear what he had to tell Sam. He pushed the button of the speaker phone.

"Hi Sam."

"Hi Dad. How did it go?" She came right to the point. She knew what Tony had been up to on this day. Actually she had pushed him to go. Ever since he was divorced she had tried to talk him into making up with the Bowers, especially Angela. Sam was the only one who was in contact with both sides. Although neither Tony nor Angela had ever talked with her about their separation, let alone pour their hearts out to her, she had always been sensing they still loved each other. She had witnessed her father's marriage go down the drain and Jonathan had told her about Angela's breakdown. It was obvious they were both missing each other very badly, so she thought it could be possible they fixed their friendship, maybe even more than that. But Tony had to be pushed gently. He was still embarrassed about the night he had shown up in Fairfield to ask Angela for money and the way he had slipped out of the house without even saying goodbye, but finally Sam had managed to talk Tony into making the first step.

"I don't know really.", Tony replied and sighed heavily.

"What do you mean 'you don't know'? Wasn't anybody there?" 'Too bad, now that he finally mustered up the courage to go there.', Sam thought.

"They were all there. I saw everybody but everybody reacted in a different way. The only one who has forgiven me is Mona, I guess. She only said it was time I showed up, called me 'Bub' ... well, just like in the good old days." Their relationship had always been easygoing and uncomplicated and it had been one of just friends, whereas his relationship to Jonathan had been one of father and son and with Angela ... what had his relationship to Angela been? One of employer and employee? Only at the beginning. One of friends or even best friends? Yes definitely, but he had also seen a soul mate in her. One of lovers? Wishful thinking.

"And Jonathan?", Sam asked apprehensively. She had a hunch that he might not have welcomed her father with open arms. Not that he had ever told her anything about his feelings. But that was exactly what had worried her.

"He hates me, Sam." Tony said and his voice broke. He had seen it in his eyes and had heard it in his voice. Even his body language had told him.

"Oh no, Dad. I don't think so. I don't think Jonathan is able to hate anybody. He is deeply disappointed in you and you can't resent him for that, can you!? As long as he's angry he still feels something. If he didn't care about you at all anymore, then you should be worried."

"Maybe you're right. But I'm not sure he'll ever talk to me again. He said he couldn't stand being in the same room with me." Tears welled up in Tony's eyes thinking of it.

"What about Angela? What did she say? How did she react? Was she very surprised to see you? Did she like Lynnie? How did-"

"Woho, Sam, one question at a time please!" He tried to calm her down.

"Come on, Dad. Don't keep me in suspense like this." She wanted to know, she needed to know.

"Well ...", he cleared his throat, "she doesn't hate me at least. I think she still has feelings for me. We ... uhm ... kissed." He gently touched his lips with his fingertips which were still tingling from the sensation.

"Oh wow, Dad. You're not taking it slow this time, do you!?" She was utterly surprised. She didn't know her father as a daredevil, at least not in his relationship to Angela. How had Mona described it? 'Taking the scenic route in a slow car with a flat tire driven by a blind nun.' That had been Tony on his way to Angela's heart. And moreover he had taken that huge detour across a marriage and a child with another woman.

"I'm not sure it was such a great idea though. She couldn't let go ... pushed me away twice."

"What did you expect, Dad? That she says 'Nice you're back, Tony, I've waited for you all these years. I'm all yours.'? You caught her off guard completely. She has to make up her mind whether she wants to get involved with you once again." 'Men! Why can't they empathize with women?', she thought and rolled her eyes. She would have to coach her dad on his way back to Fairfield.

"The last time I was there she was so open and compassionate. Today she was all withdrawn and cold. Only during the kisses she couldn't hide that she still has feelings for me."

"Kisses? You mean you kissed her more than once?"

"Twice, Sam. Only twice. I just couldn't help it. I missed her so much."

"Dad, you definitely have to contain yourself. Did she ask you to give her time?", she asked although she already knew the answer. She could imagine what Angela felt like.

"Yes, she did. How much time would that be, Sam?"

"I don't know. Nobody knows. I guess even she herself doesn't know. She might be scared."

"Scared of what? Me?"

"Not of you as a person but of what you could do to her."

"What would I do to her other than love her?" If somebody had told him a few months ago he would be having a conversation like this with his daughter, Tony would have burst into laughter. But now it seemed absolutely natural to him to consult her. Sam had become a woman after all, she wasn't a girl anymore. She had a female perspective on this which might help.

"You could leave her again." Sam stated matter-of-factly.

"I would never do that, Sam! I don't make the same mistake twice." Tony replied a bit angry, it was out of the question he would leave Angela again.

"Yes, Dad, you know and I know, but _she_ has to know. She wants to be sure about it. Don't you see that by letting you back in her life she makes herself vulnerable again? If she readmits being loved by you, she also readmits being disappointed by you again. It's that simple. You need to win back her trust in you. And that's gonna take some time. Don't be too pushy, no matter how much you want to accelerate the process. You'll scare her away." That she would ever give her father the advice to take a slower approach really surprised her. Tony had the same thought. Slower? Had he been a little faster and more straightforward the first time with Angela, they wouldn't be in this mess. They would be married for more than 10 years now, had some more kids and lived happily ever after. He was confused, insecure and felt helpless.

"So I guess I should wait for her reaction then, shouldn't I?"

"There's nothing else you can do right now, I'm afraid."

Tony clutched the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. He hated it to be powerless and out of control. But Sam was right. Angela had every right to make up her mind in peace. But he wouldn't take this lying down, he would find a way to show her how serious he was about their recommencement. "Thanks Sam, for being at my side with this and lending me your ear. I can't believe you just gave me love advice. You've really turned into an adult. I'm glad you did though. I wouldn't know where else to turn. Neither Philly nor Tiny are reliable sources when it comes to serious love matters."

Sam had to laugh. "You can call me any time, Dad. Cheer up! You're a sensitive guy and you love Angela. You'll do it right and the odds are long you win her back."

Tony coughed slightly and changed the subject. "Do you remember you wanted to take Lynnie to the movies this weekend?", he asked and had a look into the rear mirror again to check whether his younger daughter was still sleeping.

"Yes Dad, I wouldn't miss it for the world. You know I love to spend time with her. Drive safely. Bye."

"Bye Sweetheart. I love you." He disconnected the call. He had talked so long on the phone, they were almost home.

* * *

Mona slipped silently through the back door, as always.

Tony had just picked up Lynnie with a troublesome face. He hadn't explained anything, he had just told Lynnie to get her jacket and to wait for him at the car. Then he had thanked Mona for looking after his daughter this afternoon and wanted to leave, but she hadn't let him. "Come here, buddy!" She had told him. When he had approached her, she had given him a compassionate hug and had whispered into his ear, "It's good you're back. Give her time. Rome hasn't been built in one day either. I'll talk to her." He had almost cried in her arms. After he had finally left, Mona knew she had to take care of Angela who might be in need of someone to keep her company.

Mona wasn't quite sure what she thought about the turn of events. There were times she had been very angry about Tony. Angry because he had toppled Angela's universe, angry because he had walked out on Jonathan in a difficult phase of his life, but also angry because he had vanished out of her sight. Maybe it was the wisdom of the old, but she told herself life was too short to keep being angry with somebody you were so happy to have back. So she had thrown her resentments overboard and had offered him her friendship again. She knew he still was worth it, despite the stupid mistakes that idiot had made in the past. Mona also knew that this was only her perspective on his return, Jonathan and Angela had to make up their minds on their own.

Angela was sitting on the couch, motionless. Mona sat right beside her, on the same spot where Tony had just been sitting. She took Angela's hand in hers and was startled.

"Your hands are freezing cold, Angela." She rubbed them to heat them up a little. "Was it that bad?"

"Yes! ... No! ... I don't know, Mother. I don't know anything anymore. This morning my world was all tidy and everything was in order and now it's a messy pile of shards. How come he does this to me over and over again?" Angela looked at Mona questioningly in search for an answer.

Mona shortly contemplated, then chose her words thoroughly. "Well, it's because your feelings to one another are so strong, Dear. The more you love somebody, or even dislike somebody, the less you can let go. And that applies to the both of you."

Angela nodded, then shook her head. "I thought I had eliminated him out of my life for good, but the second he walked through that door ...", she sighed heavily, "it was as if I had never emancipated myself from him. I guess I never managed to fall out of love, no matter how hard I tried." She stared into the void.

"I know, Dear, I know." Mona squeezed Angela's hands, then laid one arm around her shoulder to show her the support and compassion she was determined to give her. "Angela, what are your prime feelings with respect to Tony? Is it anger? Regret? Disappointment? Sadness? Bitterness? Hatred?"

"I don't hate him, Mother!" Mona had purposely used the strongest emotion at the end. She had tried to incite a reaction from Angela and she got the one she had anticipated.

"Do you think you can forgive him?" She knew that this was a far more difficult question for Angela to answer and she was a bit anxious.

"I can forgive him that he slept with her. I can forgive him that he married her. I guess I can even forgive him that he put or friendship on ice. But ... " She swallowed and tears began to fill her eyes.

"But what?" Mona probed.

"I don't know whether I can ever forgive him that he started dating her." She looked at Mona. "We had sort of a deal, you know. We would wait until he graduated to find out how far our relationship could go. I waited, he didn't." On the last words her voice sounded bitter.

"Well, you hadn't really made a binding committment, Dear. Neither of you had confided in the other. The reasons for this I will never understand. But can you really hold it against him that he had gotten involved with somebody else? It's not that he cheated on you in the strict sense of the word."

"But if felt that way, at least to me. I thought we had ... an unspoken committment, ... sort of."

Mona had to think about the talk she had had with Tony in the kitchen after his first night with Kathleen. She had been able to tell what had happened just by looking at his face. He had admitted that it felt for him like he had betrayed Angela and Mona had talked him out of it with her legendary metaphor of the blind nun driving a slow car. She had to suppress a smile thinking of this comparison. If it hadn't been so sadly true, they could've all had a good laugh about it.

"Then I guess you have to find out why he did that, I mean break your 'unspoken' committment. There must have been a reason because Tony didn't destroy your relationship on purpose, Angela. It was as precious to him as it was to you. So the cardinal question is, why did he put it on the line nonetheless?"

"I know why."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"So? ... Why?"

"I made him feel small. With my upbringing, my professional success, my financial background."

"You mean it hurt his male ego?"

"Yes, in a sense. I guess he asked himself how someone like me could fall for someone like him."

"Did you ask yourself the same thing?"

"No, never. I'm not a snob, Mother, and you know it! I liked ... I loved ... the warm, gentle, compassionate and giving man he was. It never mattered to me that he was a housekeeper and college student from Brooklyn. He gave me the feeling of being cherished, of being special, of being someone worth to be loved. He showed me how to take life less seriously and enjoy it. He made my life easier and merrier. I trusted him completely; with my house, with my son, ... with my heart."

"That sounds wonderful, Angela. But why have you never really told him? Face it, men are thick as a brick when it comes to subtle love signals. Sometimes it's better to hit them on the head!"

"He knew."

"Maybe he wasn't so sure about it after all? Like you said, he had been asking himself what someone like you could see in someone like him. So maybe he misread your signals, maybe he misinterpreted your reticence as a way of telling him that there will never be anything between you. Who knows what went through his mind?" Mona remembered countless times she had proposed Angela to share her feelings with Tony. "Open communication is essential in a personal relationship, Angela! I've told you at least a bazillion times. Why can't you listen to your mother?"

"I didn't dare because I wasn't sure of his feelings. It told _you_ a bazillion times! Why can't you listen to _me_?"

"Let's not argue, Dear. I'm in your corner. Just keep in mind that he's still the same man you described just a few moments ago. The warm, gentle and compassionate one, who showed you how to enjoy life. What do you think? Is he worth another try?"

Angela closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. If she listened to her mind, it told her to keep away from the fire in order to prevent herself from getting burned, but if she listened to her heart it told her to get closer to the fire in order to be warmed. Her old and familiar problem - she thought too much! Tony had always tried to teach her to listen more to her heart, not to over-analyze things but to try to feel them. 'So, I go with my heart then!', was her silent decision.

"I guess he is."


	17. Part Three - Chapter 17

**17**

One evening, after a few days of torturing herself with every kind of possible scenario - she told him to leave and was miserable, she told him to stay and was miserable, she told him to take it slow and was miserable, she told him to stay but they didn't make it and was miserable, she told him they could give it a try and was ... light-hearted - Angela had called Tony to ask him where they could meet on short notice the following morning because she had something to talk to him about. He had told her he had to drop off Lynnie at school at 8 o'clock and that they could meet directly afterwards. Angela had proposed to pick him up at the school with her limo on her way to a meeting with an important client. She knew it was a bit strange given the topic they would be talking about but somehow it fit their weird history; one more odd detail or less wouldn't harm. And now that she had finally made a decision she wanted to let him know right away. She had some important things to tell him and the telephone wasn't the right medium for that - so, it had to be the limo then!

They were sitting in this fancy car with a uniformed driver, floating through Manhattan. She definitely lived a life different from his! After a short ride Angela turned to the driver. "Excuse me, Sebastian, could you pull over please for a sec. Mr. Micelli and I would like to walk a bit, we have something private to talk about. We take a stroll through that little park over there, you can pick us up at the south gate.", she asked politely. She never treated subordinates in a contemptuous way. "Sure Ms. Bower. No problem.", Sebastian answered zealously.

They excited the car and headed towards the entrance to the park. Tony had no idea what to expect, he only had fears. Would she end things or would she give him another chance? Was it a good sign that she hadn't told him on the phone or was it a bad one? Every day for the last week he had been waiting for her reaction, but now that he was about to learn what she had decided, he preferred to have more of a reprieve. He had sweaty palms and his thoughts were running amok. When would she start to speak? Then, finally, she began.

"Tony ..." She hesitated. This was so hard!

"Yes, Angela?" He was so tensed, he could barely speak.

"My life wasn't easy after you had left but I understood why you had to marry Kathleen. I told myself I could accept it as long as I still had you as my friend." She paused shortly, then she continued. "But when you broke off our friendship, my world collapsed. Somehow I had thought I would always have you in my corner and then you were gone from one day to the other. At the beginning I hoped it would only be a short-term separation, that Kathleen would loosen up about us, that we could resume our friendship. It took me a long time until I conceived the fact that I had lost you for ever." They were slowly walking side by side and Angela turned her head to look at him, but Tony looked down on the path. He didn't dare to look into her face because he was afraid to see blame and accusation in there. So she went on. "The night you came to Fairfield, after Lynnie's accident, when you were so distraught, I couldn't but help you. I still considered you to be my friend and I saw how desperate you were. But when you were gone the next morning, without even saying goodbye, I was deeply hurt and I made a decision. From that day on, I intended to live my life without hoping you might come back. It was a difficult, painful and tough process and I wasn't really good at it for a long time." She had to think about her night with Michael and the following nervous breakdown in the Russian Tea Room. It had been the worst time of her life. "But finally I got my life back under control and managed to get along quite well - only until last week ..." She took a deep breath. "You said you realized I still have feelings for you. That's right. I _do_ have feelings for you, but I don't know exactly what these feelings are and whether they're good for me or not."

"Angela, what are you trying to tell me? Do you want me to leave or may I stay?" He had to know now, he was slowly getting crazy.

They stood still and turned opposite each other. Angela entwined her fingers in front of her chest and swallowed hard. Then she looked him in the eye and smiled slightly. "You may stay, Tony. For so many years I hoped you would return into my life. If I turned you down now, it would be like betraying my own hopes."

Tony blew out a sigh of relief. He wasn't able to utter more than an insufficient "Oh", because he could tell from her face that she had doubts and fears. She wasn't easy about this; but neither was he. Would they ever be able to heal the wounds? Without trying they would never know.

"I want to be honest with you, Tony. I don't know how far we can go, whether it will ever be the way it was. We definitely can't just go on from where we left. I guess we kind of have to press the restart button and start from point zero again." 'Rather from minus 100', Tony thought, 'but anything is better that being pushed away.' "We have to find a new amicable level between us and I can't predict what kind of relationship is going to grow out of that. Maybe something totally different from what we had. I don't know. But ... I want to give it a try, if you do too."

"If I do too? Of course I do too! I'll do whatever you want me to, Angela."

"Then we have to take it slow, Tony." A distressed laugh slipped out of her mouth. "I know this sounds a bit weird with our history in mind, but this will be the only way for me to be able to handle it."

"So then I guess another kiss is out of the question?", he grinned at her. Tony was so delighted to be in the mood for a joke. He was a bit startled when Angela hadn't smiled at all. She was so damn serious about this, she just said "No." and slowly shook her head.

"A hug?" No reaction from her. "A handshake?", he asked uncertain. Now her features relaxed a little and a weak smile showed up on her face.

"A hug is okay.", she whispered.

So Tony took her in his arms and squeezed her ever so gently. She felt like a feather, he could easily wrap his arms around the small of her back. She put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. 'This isn't such a bad start.', she thought. Angela enjoyed his embrace, his strong arms and firm chest gave her a feeling of safety and protection she had missed for such a long time. And Tony just felt like the most overjoyed man on earth. He held her in his arms again! He could smell her natural scent, which had always driven him crazy, and dared to hope that one day he would have cleaned up the mess he had started that one decisive night in the motel with his study group. He silently thanked Mona. He was sure she had put in a good word for him. Like the one juror in the movie "12 Angry Men" who had convinced the others to bring in a verdict of not guilty. So now he got his second chance and he was determined to use it!

"It's good to have you back. I've missed you, Tony. I've missed you so much!", Angela said, still in his arms, swallowing down a sob.

"From now on, I'll make you happy and not miserable anymore. I promise, Angela.", he affirmed and held her a little closer.

Then Angela took a deep breath, pulled away and looked at him. "Tony, if you leave me once again, I'll never get over it. So, please, promise me something like that only if you really mean it."

"I've never been more serious about anything in my life, Angela!"

* * *

They decided to begin with the rebuilding of their friendship before trying to figure out how far they can go. Tony knew how far he wanted to go, of course. He loved her and he wanted her to love him. But Angela was more afraid than ever to emotionally rely on him. To get along without him in her life had consummated so much time and strength and now, that she had somehow managed her life without him, she hesitated to give up her independence once again. She knew that if they became a couple and wouldn't make it, she wouldn't be able to ever get over it. So they met and spent time together on a purely sociable basis, both of them very eager _not_ to call their gatherings a date. For the weeks following, they had lunch together, went to the movies or did little excursions with Lynnie. They always met on neutral ground, never in Fairfield or in his or her apartment. And they also danced around Tony's time with Kathleen in a silent pact to care for their friendship first before they would start coming to terms with his betrayal.

Lynnie showed her affection for Angela openly. She liked her father's former best friend a lot and wanted to spend more and more time with her. She couldn't understand why her dad had severed all contact with such a dear friend of his and Tony most certainly never told her the real reason. Of course to a six-year-old it would never come to mind that her mother had been controlling her father's social life. So Lynnie was unbiasedly fond of Angela, not only because she had given them the money they needed for treating her after her accident, but because she was warm and kind and did a lot of exciting things with them. Only when she had been very little, at the beginning of her parents' marriage, the three of them had regularly spent quality time together as a family. She had been too young then to recollect those memories today, she only knew from the pictures Tony showed her once in a while. So spending time with her dad and a woman who could have been her mother, gave her this perfect family feeling she always saw at her friend Emma's house and it filled her with glee.

Lynnie was unreservedly happy about the situation between Tony and Angela as it was. That didn't apply to Jonathan at all. Although he had opened up to his mother after his blowup in the living room when he had seen them kissing, it hadn't softened his resentment for Tony a bit. He couldn't comprehend his mother's attitude and didn't approve of her meeting 'him' on a regular basis. One day, when he was in Fairfield for a short college break, he caught her dressing up for a another meeting with Tony.

"I can't believe you're dating him, Mom.", he said, shaking his head and looking at her reproachfully.

"I'm not _dating_ him. We're just visiting the newest exhibition at the MoMA together. It's supposed to be very good. You should go, too." Angela tried to dissipate Jonathan's worries.

"You can call it what you want, but to me it's obvious what his intentions are. He realized he had made a mistake, that he was better off with you than with her, and now he wants you back. Don't you have any self-respect to fall into his arms again as soon as he looks at you with his puppy eyes?" That sounded a bit harsher than he had intended, but Angela's condition shortly after her breakdown had scared him to death and he never wanted to see her suffer like that again. "I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't want to yell at you. I guess it's none of my business anyway."

"You're right, it has been _my_ decision to give Tony another chance. Everybody deserves a second chance. And I enjoy spending time with him as a friend. I've missed him for so long, Jonathan! Heaven knows that I tried to live my life without him, and I managed somehow by doing little more than working. I just couldn't think of another man in my life except Tony, and now that I have him back, I start enjoying my life again. Is it a crime to look for some private joy?"

"No, Mom, it isn't. But I doubt that _he_ will bring you joy in the end." There was a question which had been bothering Jonathan for a long time, but he had never dared to ask. Maybe this was a good moment. "Why didn't you suffer so much when Dad left you?" He had asked himself a thousand times because it not only applied to her but also to him.

Angela was surprised about his inquiry. She hadn't expected a question like this. She thought about it for moment but the answer to it was quite clear. "Your father didn't leave me unexpectedly. We had problems in our marriage before and have already grown apart. And ...", this was the most important reason, "... he didn't leave me because of another woman." She took a deep breath. "But I also suffered, Jonathan. You were just too little to notice. I was still hurting when Tony moved in and he helped me to heal. If he hadn't been at my side through the divorce and custody deal, I would've never gotten through it so easily."

Angela looked at her son for a moment. She felt Jonathan had more on his mind. "What about you? Why were you so much angrier when Tony left you than with your father? Michael disappointed you over and over again and you still love him."

"Dad is my father and he will always be, no matter how lousy he is as a father. Tony had freely chosen to be my friend and he had freely chosen to let me down when he moved out, contrary to what he had once promised me. That's a difference.", Jonathan answered irreconcilably.

"If you're honest, Jonathan, you have to admit that he didn't let you down; _you_ let him down. He had called you countless times but you never answered. He wrote letters and showed up at your school, you never deigned to look at him. I guess one day he just gave up. He obeyed your wish and left you in peace." Angela could see that her last words had an effect on Jonathan. She knew he had been lying to himself all those years about Tony's disloyalty and she had an idea where it came from, but she wanted him to find out himself.

"Why don't you talk to him, Honey? It would be for your own good. Bitterness and revenge are negative feelings and they'll lie heavily on every relationship of yours in the future if you don't deal with them now. Tony is very remorseful about what happened, he would listen to you. I bet he never stopped seeing you as his son, he just wasn't able to show you."

"Do you really think so, Mom?" Why wasn't it so easy to hate him anymore? How come his blood pressure didn't rise when the thought about him now? Could she be right, had he never stopped considering him to be like a son? Suddenly it seemed to be possible. Maybe he should listen to her and talk to him ...


	18. Part Three - Chapter 18

_**Author's note: **As some of you might know, we Germans are crazy about soccer and with the World Cup coming up this summer in Brazil and the American (men's) team facing the German team in the group phase, I thought I should write a bit about soccer. May the best team win - have fun!_

* * *

**18**

Lynnie had become an enthusiastic soccer player. At the beginning Tony had tried to spark his daughter for softball or basketball - 'true' American sports. But Lynnie had seen a soccer match on TV once and had annoyed her father ever since that she wanted to learn how to play "a ball with the foot". All Tony knew about soccer was that the Europeans and South Americans were crazy about it and he believed it to be rather a men's sport. But then he had found out that America had a successful women's soccer team which had already been World Champion and so he had given in eventually and had looked for a girl's soccer team she could join. He was surprised about how popular the sport was, especially among young girls. Once in a while, he had stayed for the practice and had begun to like it. It amazed him how precisely these kids could manoeuver the ball around the field with their feet and even shoot it into this rather small goal compared to what American football players shoot at. And Lynnie was talented, he could see it right away. He had been a professional athlete himself and was able to assess if someone had a gift for sports. She wasn't the fastest runner because she was still struggling with the aftermath of her accident, but she had stamina and could anticipate well the other's moves. She could shoot long passes as well as dribble around her opponents, she would always pass the ball to a better-placed team mate and could boost the others with her enthusiasm. Tony was really proud of his little girl but also a bit sad because this was something she did on her own. When Samantha had been little, he had been her softball coach, her basketball coach and even her cheerleader coach. He had liked it so much to share her sporting enjoyment with her. But he had no idea about how to play soccer! The more surprised yet thrilled he had been when Lynnie's soccer coach had asked him to join the team as their fitness coach. He had noticed Tony was in pretty good shape and had asked him whether he would volunteer to improve the girls' overall fitness and condition. Tony had been delighted about the offer and worked with the girls since then once a week. He had become a real 'soccer mom', as he was proud of it!

It was one of Lynnie's regular practising sessions. They were already through with the fitness part and Tony's work had been done, but he always stayed to watch how coach Snyder worked with the girls. He loved to see them practise penalty shoots or dribbling techniques. And he closely observed the coach to learn from him. He was very good at what he was doing and coaching kids was different from coaching adults. Tony had been coached by many different people during his professional career as a baseball player and he knew how to tell a good coach from a bad one; but being a kids' coach, a girls' coach to top it, was a different kettle of fish. So he was totally focused on how coach Snyder talked to the girls, how he motivated them to do a few more shoots and how he applauded them after a good day of practising. He was totally wrapped up in his observations when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He expected it to be from one of the other girls' mothers, picking up her daughter. He turned around unsuspiciously and almost fainted - Jonathan stood right in front of him.

Tony gasped for breath. "Jonathan? What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you." Jonathan answered state and crisp.

"How did you know I'm here?"

"Mom told me."

"Wow, that's a surprise! A nice surprise. So ... you're going to talk to me again?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm not such a big soccer fan to come out here to watch some six-year old girls play.", he smiled. 'He smiles at me!", Tony was thrilled.

"Let's go over there to the stands, I guess we should be sitting down. At least I have to sit down! You caught me completely off guard, Pal!"

"That's the idea!" Jonathan grinned. He had decided to have a conversation with Tony only two hours earlier. He had told Angela, who was relieved he was opening up, and she had informed him about where he would find Tony. He had instantly jumped into his car, willing to offer his former buddy his hand.

They walked over to the stands and sat down on a bench. Both were uneasy about this conversation, Jonathan was a bit afraid of his own courage, then Tony made the first move.

"You impressed me with the way you protected your mother the other day. Although it wasn't easy to listen to what you had to say to me."

"I'm sorry. It got a bit out of hand. I just couldn't contain myself. I was so mad at you, I still am in a way. But I started to think about how I dealt with your move-out and, well, Mom also had something to say to this. She actually convinced me it wasn't such a bad idea to talk to you."

"Jonathan-", Tony started, but Jonathan laid his hand on his arm and silenced him.

"Let me start, Tony. I've given this quite some thought for the last 24 hours and there's something I have to get off my chest." Tony nodded and let him speak. "Uhm, ... I know you tried to stay in touch with me after you had moved out and I stonewalled you. I was very angry at that time because I never had a saying in this. I felt powerless. I had to bear the consequences of something you and Mom, well mainly you, had screwed up. You were my surrogate father, actually you were a better father than my real dad ever had been. You said you would always be there for me when you left, but that was something my father had also said when he left us and he had never lived up to that, not even once." Jonathan entwined his fingers, a movement which reminded Tony of Angela. She used to do this whenever she was tensed or nervous. "As a boy, I kept on hoping year after year that _this_ birthday he would be coming or _this_ school break he would take me on one of his trips. My hopes were never answered. I somehow learned from this to never believe in what my father promises me. So I guess with blocking you out of my life, I unconsciously protected myself from being disappointed by you like I had been disappointed by my real father. He didn't even come to my graduation, can you imagine, but preferred to go on a trip to Europe with his second wife, that dumbass!" Jonathan was still hurting about the countless times Michael had let him down during his childhood and youth.

"I was at your graduation.", Tony stated shortly. The boy shouldn't think that nobody except his mother had cared for his high school graduation.

"You were?" Jonathan was flummoxed as never before in his life. "I didn't see you."

"No, of course not. You didn't want to have me there so I didn't want to be seen. I was sitting in the very back and watched all of you. Sam had told me about it and I wanted to be there for all in the world. It was your graduation! I was so proud, you were the youngest graduate. I always knew you were smart, but getting this award, holding a Harvard scholarship in hand - boy, that impressed me!" Tony smiled and patted Jonathan on the shoulder.

"Mom wanted me to invite you." Jonathan remembered their discussion about the invitation list. "She said you would give your right arm to be there. So I guess, she was right."

Tony's heart skipped a beat. Angela! Angela had proposed Jonathan to invite him after he had already stopped being friends with her. He shook his head and sighed. Kathleen had once threatened to take Lynnie away from him after a marital quarrel in an effort to control him and Angela had unselfishly encouraged Jonathan to stay in touch with him for her son's own good. These two women couldn't be any more different! How could he have been so blind to get involved with the wrong one?

"I kept in touch with you on a ... let's say on a transcendental level. Well, this Philosophy class finally pays off!" He laughed. "Jokes aside, Sam told me once in a while how you were doing. I knew about Chelsey, your first girlfriend. About that cool car your mother gave you after you got your driver's licence. About your first job. So I felt connected to you all the time."

"I guess you know more about me than my father." Jonathan was a bit ashamed. He had wronged Tony all these years. "I was an idiot, Tony. I'm sorry."

"You were a kid! You were hurt and you were scared. It's okay. _I_ was the idiot. It took me too long to figure that out. I screwed up with my family, all of you, but especially your mother. I hurt her and she was the last person I ever wanted to hurt." Tony leaned on his knees and hung his head in shame.

"Yes, you did. She was really hurt and didn't heal for years." Jonathan didn't want to tell Tony about Angela's breakdown; he felt it was too intimate to share with him without her prior consent. She would have to decide whether she wanted to tell him. So he remained unprecise about her condition at that time. "She never really managed to go on without you. And it made me sick. First, my dad left her with a five-year old and a mortgaged house and she had to manage her life alone, then you left her and her world collapsed once again. It wasn't easy for me to see her struggling like this. I still hold you accountable for this."

Tony's eyes welled up with tears. It was one thing to picture the way Angela had been hurting, but another thing to learn from somebody in-depth who had witnessed it. He breathed heavily and couldn't speak anymore. Jonathan also didn't know what else to say. In an attempt to get his emotions under control he looked around the soccer stadium.

"I think I've never been in a soccer stadium before." Jonathan caught sight of the bunch of six-year-old girls running around the field. "Which one is yours?", he asked.

Tony brushed away a tear. "Uhm, the one with the blond pony tail. With the 35 on her jersey."

"Wasn't that your number when you were with the Cardinals?"

"You remember that?" Tony had given Lynnie the shirt with the 35 as a present for her last birthday. She always wore it for the practice; it was a rather uncommon number for a soccer jersey. For the games she would proudly wear the number 9, the number Mia Hamm, her most favorite American women's soccer player, was usually wearing.

"Well, I still have your baseball card." He grinned. "It's in the bottom of my closet admittedly, but I just couldn't throw it away."

Now Tony couldn't almost hold back the tears anymore. "Would you like to meet her?", he asked.

"Why not?", Jonathan answered a bit apprehensive. He had listened more than once to Sam, telling funny stories of her half-sister and wondered what she was like. He had always been a bit jealous that she had her little sister in her life. He also had a younger half-sister; his father had another child with his second wife. She was ten years old already, but he had never met her; his father hadn't introduced his two children to one another. So much to the role he played in his dad's life! For quite some time he had wished his mother had another baby, but now her child-bearing years were over and he would be an only child for the rest of his life. No, that wasn't true. Sam had always been like a big sister, and she always would be.

"Lynnie," Tony shouted across the soccer field and waved. One of the girls turned her head and looked their way. Then she broke into a run and joined them breathlessly.

"What's up, Daddy?" She was curious.

"I'd like you to meet somebody. This is Jonathan, Angela's son.", he introduced his long-lost pal.

"Hi Lynnie, nice to meet you." So, that was her! The kid who had pulled Tony and his mother apart. No, wait, that wasn't fair! The girl hadn't done anything wrong.

"Oh hi! You're the one who doesn't climb trees." She smiled at him.

"How do you know?" He was surprised his name meant something to her.

"Daddy told me. I like to climb trees."

"Your dad told you? I see ..." Tony had told his daughter about him! He wondered whether his half-sister in California even knew that he existed.

"You're the one with the snake, aren't you?" Lynnie was fascinated by the imagination of a snake as a pet.

"Yes, his name was Wilbur."

"That's so cool! How did you get your mother to allowing you to have a snake?"

"My mom hated Wilbur! My dad gave him to me.", Jonathan told her.

"Same here, my mom also always forbids everything my dad wants me to have." Lynnie was honest in such a truly refreshing way but had broached a topic which neither Jonathan nor Tony wanted to discuss with her - Kathleen.

"Well, it's not quite like that." Jonathan defended Angela. "My mom's the best!"

"Uhm, Lynnie, why don't you join coach Snyder again?" Tony wanted to end the chat before it ended up turning on Kathleen. "I'll wait here for you until practice is finished and then we go home, Sweetheart."

"Okay, Daddy. Bye Jonathan. It was nice meeting you. I like your Mom, she's cool. Just like Daddy!" She waved him goodbye, turned on the spot and dashed back to her team mates.

Jonathan looked after her. "She's really cute, Tony."

"Yeah, she's a great kid. Without her, my life would've been a lot uglier." He sighed. "If you want to, you can come to one of her next games. We can use every supporter we can get. She'd be thrilled. ... And so would I." Tony looked at Jonathan, who eventually nodded.

"Yeah, why not. I'll try."


	19. Part Three - Chapter 19

**19**

One day, Lynnie invited Angela to come to a match of her soccer team. She wanted to show her how well she played. Her mother had been to a game only a few times and since they were divorced she hadn't shown up at all anymore in fear of meeting her ex-husband. Lynnie loved to be supported by people she knew so she had asked Angela to come and watch her play. Because of an important business meeting Angela didn't know whether she could make it, so she hadn't actually promised to come, countered with such a disappointed look on the girl's face that it had almost broken her heart. "I'll do my best, Lynnie. If the client likes my campaign, then I might get there in time. If not, then I'm afraid I have to come some other time." How often had she staved off Jonathan because of business causes? Was it worth it? She loved being an ad exec most of the time, but disappointing children had always spoiled the fun.

"Come on girls, a few more short runs and then a bit of stretching. We don't want any strained or torn muscles here!" Tony instructed Lynnie and her team mates how to warm up before the match. They had to play against a fairly good team which hadn't lost a single game so far. He was fully concentrated and didn't see Angela approaching the soccer field. It was Lynnie who first noticed her. The little girl waved her arms frantically and shouted "Hi Angela! I'm here!" across the entire field. Tony looked around and also saw her coming. He was delighted at the view of her. She wore a brown business suit, had her hair pinned-up and carried her briefcase in her left hand. Not exactly the usual spectator of a junior girls' soccer match. Obviously, she came straight from the business meeting and hadn't bothered to change. She steered towards him, greeting him nonchalantly, "What's up, Coach? Is your team fit enough to inflict the first defeat on the invincibles?" She smiled mischievously and stood right beside him.

"Hey Angela! Great that you could make it! I bet Lynnie is thrilled to see you." And boy, was _he_ thrilled to see her! Every time they said goodbye after one of their activities he counted the hours until their next one. They were still on an outright amicable, absolutely platonic level, no romantic chemistry whatsoever. He watched his every word, his every gesture in order not to overstep the boundary she had put up.

"Well, I promised her I would try. Poor Mr. Lavender, he only got the short version of our new concept for his print ads. I told him I have to quit because of a very promising sports talent I have to meet." She grinned. "And her coach, of course ..." Their eyes locked and Tony forgot everything and everybody around him.

"Daddy? Daaaaaaddy!" Lynnie pulled his sleeve.

"Uh, yes Sweetheart?"

"Are we done with our warm-up?"

"Yes, sure. See coach Snyder to get his instructions for the game. Good luck, Sweetie, and have fun! You're going to be great, I know it!" He cheered on his daughter and her team.

Angela watched Tony during the entire match. He was in his element; he jumped up and down at the sideline, he applauded at every successful passing of the ball and every good catch of the goalie. Working with kids, teaching them, encouraging them, pushing them to give their best - it all came naturally to him. And she could see he enjoyed what he was doing. 'Too bad he never graduated from college.', she thought, 'America has lost a great teacher.'

"Do you know the rules, Angela?", Tony interrupted her musings, although he knew the answer. She had never been really interested in sports and given all the talents she had, doing sports wasn't one of them.

"Are you kidding? I've never watched a soccer game in my entire life. The only thing I know is that the players are not allowed to use their hands. But I might learn. I learned how to play baseball, remember?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Well, sort of ...", he mumbled to himself hardly audible but Angela heard it nonetheless.

"What was that? You're not questioning my sporting successes, are you? Do I have to remind you of the miniature golf competition we once had?", she asked and looked at him challengingly and earnestly but both burst into laughter right away. Tony did remember how devastated he had been, realizing that Angela indeed was a better miniature golf player than him. Until this very day he didn't know whether she had missed that last shot on purpose just to let him win. But that wasn't important anymore. What _was_ important was the fact that they were able to recall these memories together. Good memories. Precious memories. Sweet memories. They were on the right track towards something, Tony could feel it. He just had to be patient, not pushing too hard, to rebuild the connection they once had had.

Lynnie's team played one of the best games ever and defeated the other team 3:2. Everybody was happy but Tony was exhilirated. 'Once an athlete, always an athlete!', Angela thought, amused by the way this grown-up man was into a junior soccer match. But he had always been like this, always giving 100%, always trying his best. This was something she had always loved about him! Loved? That feeling kept entering her body once in a while for the last few weeks and it both uplifted her and made her nervous. She felt like a pubertal teenager before meeting him; she had butterflies in her tummy, sweaty palms and stood in front of her closet for hours not knowing what to wear.

"Angela, Angela! Did you see my assist for Gloria? She shot the third goal and we won!" Lynnie was very happy and proud she had played her part in the victory of her team. Angela was impressed by that little girl who still had some problems controlling her legs but wouldn't let anyone or anything stop her. She wanted to play soccer, so she played soccer! The game was over and Angela picked up her briefcase and just wanted to say goodbye when Lynnie unexpectedly asked her, "Are you coming for dinner, Angela? Daddy promised me to make lasagna tonight."

"Well, ... " Angela wasn't prepared for a dinner invitation and had actually planned to stop by the office once more to do some odd paper work that had been left on her desk.

"Yes, why don't you join us?" Tony quickly gave it a go, trying to remember whether he had cleaned up their apartment this morning.

"Puhleeeze, Angela. I could show you my room. And Daddy's lasagna is the best!", Lynnie kept on begging.

"How could I say 'no' to your daddy's lasagna? I've already had a few in my life and they were always delicious. And I would love to see your room, Lynnie.", Angela said to Lynnie who jumped up and down. "I see, you're still trying to bewitch the girls with your cooking, Tony, aren't you?", she said teasing him, instantly cussing the flirting undertone in her voice.

The three of them took the bus to the apartment Tony and Lynnie were living in. The neighborhood reminded Angela of the quarter Tony had shown her once all these years ago, when he had taken her to the place where he had lived before moving to Connecticut. They entered a building at an intersection of two busy streets and climbed the stairs up to the third floor. Tony openend the door, ushered Angela inside and was relieved when he saw that the apartment was all tidy and presentable. Angela managed to hide how shocked she was about the cramped conditions they were living in. She knew that Tony only had a part-time job because he looked after Lynnie and expected their apartment to be rather small, but not that small. There was only one room which served as living room, dining room and, when the sofa-sleeper was turned into a bed, even as Tony's bedroom. The kitchen was so small, Angela wondered how Tony could make lasagna in there without getting bruises and lumps. The biggest room was Lynnie's, but still the bed and the closet didn't leave much space for playing. But Lynnie proudly presented her realm to her adult friend and showed her all her stuffed animals and other toys. At the wall there was a poster of the Cardinals sure enough and one of the women's national soccer team. Angela had to smile. That room looked rather like a boy's room than a girl's. Lynnie indeed was a unique young lady.

Once Angela and Lynnie had vanished into the girl's room, Tony began to prepare the lasagna. He was a bit nervous about having Angela over as a dinner guest. _He_ would have never dared to invite her, so he was grateful Lynnie had asked her. Could it be called a date when the invitation was made by a six-year-old? He would love to take her out for a real date! To invite her for dinner to a nice little restaurant, maybe some dancing later, then drive her home. A goodnight kiss? He sighed and was pulled out of his reverie by the minced meat which was almost jumping out of the frying pan. 'Come on Micelli, the way to a lady's heart is through her stomach! You've always lifted up Angela's mood with good food, so hang in there and make the best lasagne you ever made!', he told himself.

As everyone had expected, the lasagna was delicious and all of them enjoyed it very much. Lynnie was talking all the time, telling Angela of the new school and her best friend Emma and soccer and her favorite climbing tree in the park and and and ... Tony just sat there and listened to the conversation the two of them were having. He hardly remembered a light chat like this between Kathleen and her daughter. Of course, it was always different when a parent talks to a child but still, Angela and Lynnie had a connection he never believed possible. She was Kathleen's daughter after all and understandably enough Kathleen wasn't one of Angela's favorite persons.

He looked at his watch. "Oh my, Lynnie, it's far past bedtime. It's a school day tomorrow, you have to go to bed now. No arguments, please!", Tony said sternly. "Go and brush your teeth, put your PJs on and I come and tuck you in."

"Can Angela read me a story and tuck me in?", Lynnie asked with puppy eyes.

"Sure, if she wants to."

"I'd be honoured. Just call me when you're ready, okay?!" Angela said, smiling at the little girl.

A short time later, Angela sat at Lynnie's bed and read her a book about a girl who ran away from home with her dog to look for her best friend who had moved to another town. After an adventurous and sometimes dangerous journey she finally found her friend and the story ended with them hugging and holding onto each other.

"That's my favorite part,", Lynnie said "where they say that they will be best friends forever. Emma is my best friend and we will always be best friends."

"A best friend is a precious thing, Lynnie. You're lucky to have one." Angela stroked Lynnie's hair and smiled at her.

"How come you and Daddy didn't talk to each other for so long? You were best friends too, weren't you? Wasn't Daddy precious to you?" If Lynnie had known how much she hurt Angela with her question, she wouldn't have asked.

"Oh no, he was very precious to me. There were ...", she bit her lower lip, "... 'things' in the way."

"What things?" Lynnie could be very persistent.

"Maybe I'll tell you some other time. The only important thing is that your father and I have found each other again, just like in your story." There was no way Angela told her the real reason for the break-up of her friendship to Tony.

"I once overheard an argument Mom and Dad were having about you. I wasn't eavesdropping, I promise! They were so loud I could hear them from my room. I think Mom doesn't like you. But I don't understand why. You're nice! I like you. And Daddy is much happier now with you than at the end when were still living together with Mom." Lynnie was so enchanting with her open honesty but she was pushing Angela into a dead-end road without an exit other than passing her.

Angela breathed heavily, she didn't want to say something wrong. "Well, ...", she started cautiously, "I bet there are some girls in your class you like better than others. It's the same with adults, we don't get along well with everybody."

"But why didn't Mom and you get along well?", Lynnie wanted to know.

Because we loved the same man! Because she took him away from me! Because she played unfair! Because she was a jealous, hysterical and envious bitch!

"Let's say we first met at an inconvenient time and place."

Lynnie let that sink in for a moment, although she didn't really understand what Angela had tried to say. Why did adults always have to be so complicated? Couldn't they explain something in an easy-to-digest way at least once? But there was something else bothering her, something which was lying heavily on her mind ever since that fight of her parents.

"How can a mother take away a child from the father?"

"What do you mean, Lynnie?" Angela asked, although she was afraid to already know the answer.

"I heard Mom say 'if I see you together with Angela once, I'll take Lynnie away from you'. How could she do that and why would she do that? I don't want to lose my Daddy." Angela could see the distress in the girl's eyes and it made her nauseous. How could Kathleen even think about something like this? Using a child as a means of blackmail against its father was the meanest thing to do. She herself knew that it wasn't always easy to encourage the contact between your child and your not so beloved husband - or ex-husband in her case - but blackmailing a father with the threat of taking away his child was just cruel. She thought of how terrified Tony must have been; Tony the mother hen kind of a father. It partially explained why he had been hiding for so long. Angela felt terribly sorry for him; his life with Kathleen really hadn't been one of constant jauntiness.

"Sweetheart, I bet she only said that in a state of rage, she didn't mean it. She lets you live with your dad, so don't worry about it anymore. Your mother loves you and only wants the best for you. Just like your dad." Angela couldn't believe it, she was putting in a good word for Kathleen! But only to protect that little, innocent girl who didn't deserve to get caught between the frontlines. "Now, sleep well, Lynnie, and have sweet dreams." She kissed the girl's forehead, pulled the blanket up to her chin and stroked her cheek. "Good night."

"Good night, Angela. Thanks for coming to my soccer game."

"You're welcome, Sweetheart. I had a wonderful time. Now close you eyes. Tomorrow's another day." She switched off the light and closed the door.

When Angela returned to the living/eating/sleeping room, Tony had already cleared the table and had poured two glasses of wine. She was still thinking about what Lynnie had just told her. She looked at Tony and felt a wave of regret rolling over her. Why had life treated them so badly? They had both been miserable without each other these past years. Could really something good be coming out this? That was not what she had meant by 'broadening our horizons to see whether we can go any further'. She had anticipated he would date Kathleen a few weeks, maybe months, and then return to her. But, boy, had he broadened his horizon! Beyond the milky way and back he had broadened it!

They sat at the table in silence for a short while, both in deep thought. The day had taken a turn neither of them had expected. Angela took a deep breath. An idea had begun to form in her head ever since she had joined Lynnie and Tony at that soccer field. And setting foot into this apartment, the same idea had taken shape more and more. What Lynnie had told her during their bed time chat was like the last piece of a puzzle.

"Tony, I have a suggestion for you. Promise me to think about it, okay? Don't say 'no' right away.", Angela started. She didn't really know how to address the matter without insulting Tony on the one hand and rising false expectations on the other. But it was important to her to tell him about her idea.

"Ge'ez, Angela, that sounds mysterious. Go ahead!" Tony had no clue whatsoever.

"Okay. Uhm ..." She hesitated. Should she really? Or would it be wiser not to? Oh, what the heck?! "I thought you and Lynnie ... you could ... I mean ... " One more deep breath. "... how about the two of you move back into the house?" Angela's idea was so far-fetched for Tony that he honestly didn't know what she was talking about.

"Which house?"

"Our, uh ... I mean ... _my_ house." Angela couldn't meet his eyes but looked at the entwined hands in her lap.

Now Tony began to understand. "You mean as your housekeeper?"

"No," a short laugh was followed by a shaking head, "as a tenant."

"I could never afford to pay the rent for that house, Angela! That's why we're living in this shoe box. You don't like it, do you?" One of Angela's fears had just proven to be well-founded - he felt insulted.

"Oh no! You got me wrong here! I do like it. It is small but it's very cozy and so lovingly decorated. That's not the reason for my proposal."

"Then what is it?", Tony asked impatiently and still wasn't sure whether he liked the idea or not.

"Well, first of all, you wouldn't have to pay rent. I mean, I have to pay for all the fix costs for this house anyway, no matter how may people are living there." She paused for a second, then continued. "I just thought it would be so nice for Lynnie to grow up in an environment like that. You came to Connecticut all these years ago to do that for Sam, remember? Lynnie could sleep in Sam's room and you could have your old room - we put the bed back in first, of course." The last sentence was supposed to be funny to ease the tension a bit, but Tony wasn't laughing, so Angela went on with what she wanted to say. "She could go to Sam's school and I bet Fairfield also has a girls' soccer team. She'd have a perfect climbing tree in the front yard!" She looked him straight in the eye, openly and honestly. She knew that her arguments weren't too bad. He would do everything to give his daughter a better life, just like he had done for Sam.

"I don't know, Angela. We can't live there for free." Tony knew she didn't need the money, but he wasn't sure about whether he wanted to be financially indebted to her even more. "Are you sure you don't need a housekeeper?"

"I am sure. As a matter-of-fact, I have a housekeeper. Her name is Barbara, she comes in twice a week for a few hours and she's a very nice lady. You'll like her."

"I have to think about it. I can't decide this right away. And I have to talk to Lynnie about it." He still was indecisive. It sounded tempting but also daunting to move back into his old house. It was as if he also moved back into his old life and he quietly asked himself whether this was such a good idea with the higher goal he had in mind - winning back Angela's love.

"There's one more thing, Tony." Angela was still very tense.

"Spit it out!" What for heaven's sake could that be?

"Uhhh, ... the money you save on rent would enable you to quit your part-time job and ... you could go back to college." She closed her eyes and swallowed back the enormous lump that had build up in her throat. Would he be offended by this suggestion?

"Are you serious? College? At my age? After I quit so many years ago? I don't know ..." Now he was really flabbergasted. He hadn't expected anything like this at all.

"Why not, Tony? I saw you with these kids today. You _love_ being a teacher! And you're a natural teacher. Kids listen to you, they look up to you, they enjoy your company. Why waste this talent of yours? I never understood why you left Ridgemont, you were almost there. There are just these few more classes you need and then you can graduate and become a teacher. Something you always wanted to be. It's never too late to strive for a goal in life!" She could be very convincing. After hundreds of business negociations she had learned how to built up an argumentation nobody could counter. Tony had to admit that sometimes he regretted not having graduated. Kathleen had gone through with her college classes and had made her way while he had been earning the family income, cleaning the house and looking after their daughter. Sometimes he had asked himself why it hadn't been the other way round. He had to acknowledge that his wife had never really bothered about his college graduation whereas Angela, the woman he had so bitterly deserted, obviously had been caring about it all the time. How many more times did reality want to bash him over the head like this? It had been a terrible mistake to marry Kathleen! How come he had been so firmly convinced it was the one and only option after she had told him she was pregnant?

"I really don't know." Tony's head was spinning. "I could reconcile with the idea of living there, actually it's a very alluring prospect, but going back to college?" He still felt very insecure about it.

"It's a non-negotiable condition, Tony. I want you to go back to college, I really do. So if you want to move back into the house, you have to resume your college classes." She knew she was being unfair, that offering him to move back into the house and tying it to the enrollment at Ridgemont was a deal he almost couldn't reject. A tactic she had also learned through the years of negotiating business contracts. If she had to, she would lead the horse to water _and_ make it drink.

Two days later Tony called Angela at the office to tell her he would accept her offer. Angela's heart skipped a joyful beat and she was satisfied with herself that she had found the guts to propose this to him. If he didn't find his way through college himself, she needed to push him a little. She was convinced it was the right thing to do for him. He would be a wonderful teacher and all the future pupils, who would get schooled by him one day, could already consider themselves lucky.

"But I also have a condition.", Tony interrupted her complacent thought.

"O-okay. And what would that be?", Angela asked a bit anxious.

"Since I'm not allowed to trade in my housekeeping talents, I will serve as your janitor and cook. I'll get a part-time-job somewhere close and pay for the groceries and for Lynnie's expenses. If you ever need some help with the house or the agency, whatever it is, you ask me first. I can give you a ride to the city, paint your fence or bake your favorite cookies every weekend."

This had been Angela's second fear when she had first made the suggestion in his apartment, that he assumed they would live together in the house. As much as she yearned for the cheerful time they had been having there together, she just couldn't think of going back there right now. It seemed too early and she wasn't sure whether it could be like it used to be ever again. He obviously thought differently which made her heart heavy. Angela closed her eyes and had to hold back the tears. She was relieved that Tony hadn't shown up in her office but called her, thus he couldn't see how difficult it was for her to tell him what she was going to say.

"I ... I'm not living in the house anymore. I will continue staying at my apartment in the city." The first tear fell.

"Oh.", was all Tony could reply.

Angela could practically hear his disappointment over the phone. He hadn't expected this. Somehow he was sure they would be living together like before. He knew she had an apartment in the city but wasn't aware it was her fixed abode. And even if it was, he assumed her suggestion was meant as a new start for their relationship. Therefore her statement hit him like a hammer! The only reason she wanted him back in the house was that he would be able to go to college. It had nothing to do with their relationship. What had he been thinking? That she would just pick up the thread he had so cruelly cut? That it was so easy to win back her trust? He felt discouragement rising within him. Would he ever be able to heal the wounds he had inflicted on her?

"But I might come for the weekend more often, now that I know the house isn't empty." Angela whispered into the phone, brushing away the tears that were running down her cheeks now.

"Good! It's a deal."

That was the silver lining on the horizon he needed. He would find a way back to her heart. He didn't know how yet, but he definitely would find out.


	20. Part Three - Chapter 20

**20**

It was Friday afternoon. Lynnie and Tony had moved into 3344 Oak Hills Drive three days earlier, so the first weekend in their new home was lying ahead of them. Lynnie had been very excited about the move which meant a totally new environment for her: new house, new school, new soccer team. But she was very much looking forward to it. She had begun to love the house at the very first afternoon they had surprised Angela with their unexpected visit. Tony showed her pictures of the time he had been living there with Sam. Until this day, he had kept the photo album hidden in the rearmost spot at the bottom of his closet because it hurt him too much to recollect these memories. The happier he was now to share them with Lynnie.

"I'm really going to sleep in Sammy's room? Lynnie was exhilarated about it. She adored her half-sister, a feeling which was mutual. The two of them spent a lot of time together and Tony was a bit afraid Samantha might be teaching Lynnie how to 'handle Daddy' to get her will once and again. They had already teamed up against him several times, but that was the way it was when you had more than just one child. So he was only pretending to be angry with them and was actually thrilled that his two daughters, although almost twenty years apart, were so connected.

"Yes, Sweetheart. It's even her bed you're going to sleep in. So all her sweet dreams are still in there waiting for you." He smiled at her.

He recalled some of the talks he had had with Samantha in that room. Not all of them had been good ones. If he was lucky, he would be spared some of the unpleasant ones with Lynnie. How often had Angela smoothed down differences between them. He knew he was an over-protective father and needed someone who told him when he was overreacting. Angela had served as his perfect match in raising Sam. Would she also support him with Lynnie, Kathleen's daughter?

The night before the move Tony couldn't sleep well. Would this be the beginning of something? The beginning of a new romance with Angela? Or would it just be an hopeless attempt to pretend as if his 'Kathleen-years' had never happened? He tried to recall the night before he had moved there the first time. It had been equally restless. His future had been uncertain too, under different circumstances, yes, but still uncertain. But wasn't it always? So he told himself to relax, to look forward to what was lying ahead of him and his daughter and to take the things as they would come. 'Think positive, Tony!' he calmed himself, 'you always managed to direct your life into the right direction.' Okay, he had taken a detour - a huge detour - but now he was back on track.

Right after he had unpacked the last box, he felt as if he had never been away. He started to revitalize the kitchen right away which seemed to have been untouched for ages. Barbara had done a great job airing the entire house, dusting all the shelves and cleaning every single room. And she was a very nice person, just as Angela had said. He would get along with her perfectly - as long as she didn't interfere with his realm: the kitchen! Tony had also already detected some necessary errands to be performed at the house. The picked fence indeed needed another coat of paint, the rainwater gutter at the back was a bit loose and he had to plant a new herb garden. He had told Angela he would be the janitor of her house and he was determined to be the best one she ever had. The only thing which was spoiling his enthusiasm was the empty room at the end of the hallway - Angela's room. It hadn't changed much, only that her closet was half-empty and all the business clothes were missing. He had to smile when he saw the pink bathrobe hanging on the hook at the back of the bathroom door. Some things were meant to remain the same; that bathrobe kept on accompanying him ...

Tony checked the sauce marinara on the stove. Perfect! It was so much more fun to cook in this spacious kitchen compared to his former one which had been rather like a galley on a boat, a very small boat. It was their first weekend in Connecticut and he wanted it to start perfectly, for Lynnie's sake. He had been worried a little whether she might adjust herself smoothly to her new environment, remembering that Samantha had faced some problems at first. But Lynnie adapted to her new world like a chameleon adapted its colour to its surrounding. She had been exhilarated about her first days at school and had already found out that one of her class mates also played junior soccer. Tony laid the small table in the kitchen for dinner, wondering whether he should lay a third place for Angela. She had said she might come out on the weekend more often but would she already come for their first? He hadn't dared to ask her. He wanted her to set the pace, even if it meant that things would move on much slower that he wanted them to. It had been him who stepped on the brakes in their relationship so often, now he had to surrender the steering wheel to her. So he only prepared the table for two.

Lynnie and Tony enjoyed dinner. Lynnie liked pasta a lot, like every kid, and talked and talked and talked. She told her father everything about her new school, about the teachers, her classmates and the school bus driver. She had already climbed the big tree in front of the house and had been up so high, it had made Tony gasp. But he knew she was a very good climber and that after her accident she had become a bit more cautious.

"Maybe we can ask Angela whether we can build a treehouse. Would you like one?" he asked after they had finished their plates.

"Oh yes, that would be great, Daddy!" Lynnie was thrilled.

"How about you go upstairs and put your PJs on while I clean the table and do the dishes. Later we make ourselves comfortable on the couch and watch a movie. Would you prefer 'The Lady and the Tramp' or '101 Dalmatians'?" He didn't know why he had exactly picked out these two movies. Maybe because their plots fit so perfectly into this current stage of his life.

"With popcorn?"

"You bet!"

Watching a movie with a huge bowl of popcorn on their laps had been a tradition since baby Lynnie was able to sit upright and chew. Kathleen had been working until late quite often so his daughter dispelled Tony's solitude. It had blended both from early on. He had tried to raise this kid in an intact family, with a father _and_ a mother. That was why he had married Kathleen in the first place. But then Kathleen had withdrawn more and more to her job so that he had felt like a single parent at times. What a duplicity of events! Just like his first daughter had to be raised by him alone, only that _her_ mother hadn't gone by her own choice. Lynnie was so tired from all the exciting changes of the week that she fell asleep with her head on Tony's lap in the middle of the movie. She had chosen 'The Lady and the Tramp' but had missed her favorite part where the two dogs share a noodle from both ends and almost end up kissing. After the movie was over, Tony carried her upstairs and tucked her in. She looked like a little angel in that big bed, with her blond long hair and rosy cheeks. He looked at her from the door frame and sighed. It definitely had been the right decision to move out here again; Lynnie would have a wonderful time! Monday he would enroll at Ridgemont; he had promised Angela and he was willing to fulfill his part of the deal.

Tony didn't know how much time had passed since he had put Lynnie to bed. He was sitting on the couch, a glass of red wine in his hand, and stared at the final frame of the movie. He had stopped the VCR, it still said 'The End' on the screen. His thoughts kept meandering through his head, happy thoughts traded places with sad ones and vice versa. Suddenly he heard a key in the lock of the front door. He instantly was wide awake and jumped off the couch, almost spilling his red wine. The door opened and there she was: Angela! She froze in the door frame and looked at him.

"Hi", she said. It was obvious she was emotionally touched by the situation.

"Hi Angela!" He would have liked to hug her but he only lifted his hand in a welcoming gesture and smiled. But his ear-to-ear grin revealed how happy he was to see her. "I wasn't sure you would be coming."

"Well, I wanted to check on my new tenants", she said in a business-like tone, but then smiled. "How is everyone? Does Lynnie like it? Does she like her school? Have you met Barbara? Is the oven still working?" She fired the questions at him like bullets out of an automatic weapon.

"Whoo-hoo, Angela! Come on in first. Give me your coat." He took her coat and hung it on the rack near the door. He took the briefcase out of her hand and put it on the little bench where it had always been put. Then he didn't know what to say or do anymore. "Welcome!" 'Oh, you stupid idiot! It's _her_ house, you don't welcome somebody to his own house!' But Angela didn't mind.

"Thank you. This house hasn't looked so hospitable in years. What's that smell? Wait ... sauce marinara? Are there any leftovers?"

"Yes, there are. Are you hungry? I heat it up for you." That was too good to be true. He let her pass and followed her into the kitchen. She pulled out a chair and took a seat.

"This has been a crazy week. There is so much to do at the agency and one of my best art directors quit yesterday! Since I won't find another one equally talented so quickly and all my other art directors are already very busy, I had to delegate his account to the only person who wouldn't be whining about a bit more work - me! Great!"

"Have you been in the office this long? It's 10:30!" Tony had to think about her condition after her breakdown and didn't want her to steer directly towards another one. He asked himself whether she knew he knew, but because Michael had said he wouldn't tell her anything about their coincidental encounter at the hospital, he assumed she didn't know. Maybe she would confide in him one day, if they ever became so close as to share personal intimacies again.

"No, I had a business dinner with a potential client, although I'm not sure whether we can handle another big account before I hired some new people. We'll see." Angela released her hair out of its bun, opened the uppermost button of her blouse and slipped out of her high heels. She was tired and massaged her feet.

"Would you like some red wine with your pasta, Ma'am?" Tony asked while placing a loaded plate in front of her.

"Yes, please. That would be nice."

Tony poured a glass and looked at her while she was eating. The amounts of food this petite woman could inhale had always amazed him. Cooking for her was fun because she was such a good eater.

"Mmmm, this is heaven, Tony! To be honest, this tastes much better than the six-course gourmet menu I just had." She smiled at him, wiped her mouth with a paper napkin, took a small sip of wine before elegantly twisting some spaghetti on her fork again. 'She sure is a classy lady!' Tony mused. 'Do I really suit her?' He suddenly had the same feeling of minority and misfit as he had used to have all these years ago. That had been the reason why he had started to date Kathleen. She had been one of his kind, more akin to his social status, no reason to feel minor compared to her. Although Angela had never given him reason to feel small and he was sure that she didn't see him this way. It was _his_ problem. She was right after all, going back to college was the right thing to do. He was dissatisfied with his professional career more than ever; well, you could hardly call it a 'career' anyway. He knew he hadn't used all of his potential, that there was more in him. Definitely not a career like Angela's, but a meaningful and satisfying work, fairly paid, should be possible. Yes, he would enroll at Ridgemont again and become a teacher, he hadn't been that sure about it for a long time. A content smile began to show on his face, not unnoticed by Angela.

"What are you smiling about?"

"I'm looking forward to going back to college", he admitted. He hadn't forgotten how reluctant he was when she had first mentioned the idea.

"That's good, that's good." She nodded. "What has changed your mind?"

'The way you ate your spaghetti!'

"I always liked college. I didn't quit because I was tired to go but because ... well, ... other things were more important." He had become the breadwinner of a family he had never planned to have.

"'Things' ... I see." Of course she knew what he was referring to and it instantly brought back the pain she had managed to suppress so successfully after her breakdown. Was it really the right decision to let him back into her life? Would this phantom pain always be there?

"Let's not get back there, Angela. At least not tonight, okay? I guess we'll have a lot to talk about but this is our first weekend out here and I just want to enjoy it. That I would again be sitting here with you one day, having a glass of wine, chatting, was like thinking the unthinkable a few months ago. I wished for it but I sure didn't dare to hope for it. I'm grateful you let me, ... and my daughter, into your life again and I'm grateful you've pushed me back to college. I'll prove I'm worthy the trust you put in me, I promise."

"You don't have to prove anything to me, Tony. Only to yourself!" How right she was. As long as he kept thinking he didn't deserve a second chance, how could she? But it was so damn difficult to believe in it because he felt so guilty. They looked at each other and for a short moment Tony felt the old connection they once had enjoyed. Then she looked away and he saw how her back straightened and how she began to feel uneasy. She cleared her throat, emptied her glass and stood up.

"I guess I better say good night. I'm really tired. See you and Lynnie in the morning", Angela said with a raw voice.

"Good night, Angela-" He still wanted to add "sleep well" but she had already rushed through the door which was swinging back and forth a few times because she had pushed it so hard. She had definitely wanted to get away from him. Why? Had he said something wrong? Had she wanted to talk? Or had what they were talking about been too much already? Tony took a deep breath. Working out this mess wouldn't be easy. But he would try. He had to!

After rushing through the door, Angela scooted upstairs, paced through the hallway, tore open the door to her bedroom and slammed it once she was inside. She leaned against it and let out the breath she was holding since that look she had exchanged with Tony. It had been there, she had felt it. The old connection they once had enjoyed. It had warmed her heart but at the same time had scared her even more. She had managed to resume control over her life again after her breakdown and that had been tough enough. Going back there, to the 'things' as he had called it, would trouble her once more. Did she really have the power and energy to go through that hell again? She wasn't sure. But then, spotting him in the living room from the front door had filled her heart with joy. Maybe it was worth a try. Yes, it definitely was worth a try!


	21. Part Three - Chapter 21

**21**

After Angela had left Tony in the kitchen, it had taken him quite a while to sort out his feelings. He was stupefied by her abrupt departure and had questioned himself what exactly might have caused it. He had emptied his glass of wine, had put it together with hers into the sink, had switched off all the lights and had taken the stairs up to his room. When he had entered the hallway, he had seen the small beam of light under Angela's bedroom door which had calmed him a little. 'At least she's here', he had thought. 'So tomorrow I'm going to start looking for a way back to her heart.' He had checked on Lynnie, who had been fast asleep, then had retreated into his own room. The past week had been very strenuous, both physically and emotionally, so his tiredness had overpowered him rather quickly and the safety this house emitted had made him fall asleep in no time.

The next morning, Tony stood at the stove, carefully turning the pancakes which were supposed to be Lynnie's breakfast. It was a Saturday, so he would spoil her with this specialty instead of the scrambled eggs he served her as a regular breakfast. He hadn't changed; he still was very keen on healthy and nutritious food and wouldn't allow his daughter to have a sugar-sweet cereal or pancakes with maple syrup to start a school day. But the weekend was something different and their first weekend in Connecticut anyway. This called for a feast! So he had gotten up early enough to prepare his famous blueberry pancakes for his little whirlwind.

"Daddy, can I have some more orange juice?" Lynnie asked with her mouth full.

"Don't talk and chew at the same time, Sweetheart", he said while pouring some more juice into her glass.

"But the pancake is so yummy and I'm thirsty!"

"Must you have an excuse for everything?" Tony asked reproachfully. "Why can't you-"

He didn't finish his sentence because he suddenly spotted Angela standing in the door frame watching the two of them with an amused smile on her face ... in her pink bathrobe. That one again! What a familiar and delightful sight.

"Oh, good morning, Angela! Come here and sit down." He pulled out a chair for her. "Breakfast is on its way. I can offer you some blueberry pancakes or are you still only having coffee and juice in the morning?" He turned back to the stove where a few pancakes threatened to scorch.

"Good morning, Lynnie", Angela greeted the little girl and stroked her shoulders, then she sat down on the chair Tony had offered her. "Well, I switched to tea in the morning."

A surprised "Oh," slipped out of Tony's mouth. 'Damn, why haven't I restored the stocks of tea?'

"Yeah, well, I've had some health problems and the doctors advised me to replace the morning coffee with tea." She wasn't willing to be more specific.

"Health problems? Something serious?" Was she talking about her breakdown or was there something else? There was no way she would tell him about her fainting in the Russian Tea Room right here, as long as Lynnie was in the kitchen, Tony was well aware of that, but maybe he could get a clue.

"No, nothing serious, just a low blood pressure and a flat battery after a stressful time at the agency." That was specific enough she decided. He didn't have to know more. The fact that he already knew more, knew everything to be precise, was far from her power of imagination. "So, Lynnie, how was your first day at school?" Angela tried to draw off the attention from herself and her stricken condition some time ago by turning to a different subject.

"Oh, great! It's a cool school and my teachers are very nice. One of my class mates even plays soccer, too!" Lynnie was enthusiastic about her new school and told Angela minutely detailed about everything that had happened to her within the past few days. Angela was delighted about the girl's refreshing liveliness and exuberant joy. If she only could be as carefree and optimistic about her future.

"I'm glad you're having so much fun, Lynnie. If there is anything I can do for you, just ask me, okay?" Angela offered.

"Daddy said we should ask you whether we can build a treehouse in your big tree." Lynnie came right to the point. Why wait? Patience wasn't a character trait she was superabound with.

"Oh sure. My son Jonathan never liked climbing trees, so we never thought of building a treehouse, but you are free to do it any time." Lynnie jumped off her chair and flung her arms around Angela's neck.

"Really? Thank you, Angela! You're the best! Daddy, did you hear that? Angela said we can build a treehouse!" She beamed at her father.

"I heard, Sweetheart, I heard."

The little girl could hardly believe her luck. She danced around the kitchen table, singing cheerfully "I will have a treehouse, I will have a treehouse!" Angela had to laugh. It gave her delight to see the child so enthusiastic about a rather basic thing such as a treehouse. But Tony had told her she was a nature-lover and tree-climber, so everything made sense.

"Angela, Daddy said he would take me to the mall to buy some school clothes today and have a pizza later. Wanna come?" Lynnie asked.

"I would love to, but I have to work. I'm sorry", Angela explained.

"But it's Saturday. Nobody works on a Saturday", the girl protested.

"There are a lot of people working on a Saturday, Lynnie", Tony threw in, "doctors, bus drivers, policemen; not to mention sales clerks and pizza bakers."

"But Angela isn't a doctor or a bus driver, and she doesn't bake pizzas. You said she works in an office and office-workers have the weekend off!" she said to her father.

"But it's _my_ office, Lynnie, you know. I'm the boss and the people working for me are dependent on me in keeping our clients happy. That's why I have to work on the weekend sometimes", Angela tried to make Lynnie understand.

"Then I never want to be a boss! I'm sorry you're a boss, Angela. I wished you could join us", she stated candidly.

"Well, it was my own choice to become one and most of the time I like it. Although this time I would rather come with you instead of tossing and turning all those papers my unreliable art director left on his desk when he quit." Angela sighed. She was tempted to join them as it would definitely be more fun than working on a campaign she hadn't been really into from the beginning and for a client she had never liked; that was why she had given the account to this art director who had let her down the other day. Never mind! She would get through this odd day as through all the odd ones before. Only that in the past she rarely had better offers for spending a Saturday.

Then Tony came up with an idea. "How about we go shopping and let you work in peace and quiet and when we're done we pick you up for the pizza? Because with one thing she's right Angela, just because you're the boss doesn't mean you don't need to relax at the weekend." The reminiscence of her breakdown once again came back to his mind and one of his duties had always been to ensure that she didn't work too much. Angela thought for a moment, then nodded in approval. "Deal!" she said and looked into two contentedly smiling faces.

* * *

Angela sat at the desk in her study almost lost in an enormous amount of papers with sketches, drafts and tables about the campaign her former art director had left to her. But as always, as soon at she put her mind in business mode, she was able to focus on her work and to come up with a brilliant idea sooner or later. Even this time that her life had once again taken an unexpected turn. She was so concentrated on the campaign, which was slowly developing in front of her mind's eye, that she didn't hear Tony and Lynnie knocking on her door. Only when the were standing right in front of her desk, waving at her, she got out of her trance and welcomed them.

"Oh, hi you two! Done shopping so early?"

"Early?" Tony shook his head. "We left almost five hours ago! You can call yourself lucky you had an excuse, Angela, because little Miss 'I-try-on-just-one-more-piece' would've even pushed you to the limit." He cast his daughter a wry glance who only giggled about her father's complaints.

"Wow, is it that late already?" Angela asked, putting her glasses away. She still hadn't emerged completely from the world of toothpaste this campaign was about. She rubbed her temples, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Tony began to fear she had more work to do and wouldn't join them for the pizza, but Angela got up from her chair, smiled at them and said matter-of-factly "Boy, am I hungry! Where are we going for the pizza?"

A load was being taken from Tony's mind and he was looking forward to a family afternoon. But was it really that easy to become a family again? Angela had been able to love Samantha as if she were her own daughter, maybe she could also see Lynnie this way some day. 'Who are you kidding, Tony?' he mentally spanked himself. Sam had been the daughter of his late wife, whereas Lynnie was the daughter of a woman who must be like a red rag to Angela. Could he really expect her to love Lynnie as if she were her own? Maybe not! Maybe it would never be how it used to be.

"Tony! Hello-ho!" Angela waved at him to pull him out of his musings. She stood at the door holding Lynnie's hand. "I thought you wanted to drag me away from that desk and now you seem to be the one who's glued to it." She sneered and Lynnie had to laugh. Tony stared at them taken aback but the look of them hand in hand warmed his heart and beamed him back into the here and now.

"Hold your horses, ladies! I'm coming. Don't hurry an old man like me!" he said while slowly catching up with them, only to break into a run as soon as he passed them. "The first one at the car gets the biggest slice!" Angela and Lynnie looked at each other dumbfounded. Then Angela whispered conspiratorially, "Don't you worry, Lynnie, I have some money of my own. We can have the biggest slice there is, if we want to, no matter how fast your father runs", and both burst out into laughter.

* * *

Tony, Lynnie and Angela spent a carefree afternoon with each other. After their stop at the Pizza Palace, where Tony had been a bit offended because Angela had secretly ordered a 'super size pizza' for Lynnie and herself whereas he only had a 'king size', they had gone to a small wildlife reserve a few miles away from Fairfield. It was a sunny afternoon and they strolled through the woods, enjoying the fresh air, with Lynnie running back and forth, collecting leaves or branches she would use as a hiking pole. She also wanted to show Angela how well she climbed trees and made her hold her breath at the height she was climbing up to. Angela dug her fingers into Tony's arm and she became nauseous at the notion of the little girl falling from a tree once again. Tony noticed her anxiety and calmed her. "She can do it! Relax! I've seen her climbing hundreds of trees. She's like a little monkey and I know she'll never fall off a tree again." He gently loosened Angela's grip on his arm, "You're bruising me, Angela", and smiled at her reassuringly. If somebody had seen them, he would've been taken by this adorable family of three; only that they weren't a family ...

The sun was setting, so they went home and Tony started to cook dinner. Angela retreated once again into her study - "Only for a short while, I promise, just to get the ideas I've been having in my head all day onto a piece of paper!" - and Lynnie bridged the time until dinner was ready with practising penalty kicks in the backyard. Tony mused about their afternoon. It had been just like so many afternoons they had spent with Sam and Jonathan; well, almost like them. Today, at the back of his mind there had been this constant alert signal not to read too much into this. He was a sensitive person and he had perceived awfully well that Angela hadn't been as unbent and relaxed as she pretended to be. But it was a good start. As long as they kept spending time with each other, there was a way back to her. But they would also have to talk about his years with Kathleen one day. It upset his stomach only thinking of how difficult and painful this conversation would be. This weekend was like a remedy which belied the brittle condition of their friendship. But it did him so good! He had been hurting as well. He hadn't banished Angela out of his life because he had madly fallen in love with another woman, but because his sense of honour and responsibility had told him so. She hadn't been the only one who was miserable, he had paid his share as well. His time with Kathleen, although somewhat promising at the start, hadn't been exactly overflowing with bliss and happiness. If he hadn't had Lynnie, he would've escaped from that marriage earlier; well, he wouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. But he didn't want to link his discontent about the last seven years of his life only to Kathleen; he had to be fair. She had given him Lynnie and he would always be deeply grateful for that. It always took two to ruin a marriage and his part had been that he had never loved her as deeply and truly as every woman deserved to be loved.

Tony was pulled out of his musings by the kitchen timer which told him the grilled chicken could be taken out of the oven. He obviously had prepared this dinner in autopilot mode because he couldn't think of a single stroke of work he had done consciously. Now, the hundreds of chicken he had already prepared in his life paid off. He shook his head, drank a glass of cold water directly from the faucet and turned his attention to the salad which was still waiting to be washed and chopped.

This night Tony laid the dinner table for three and everybody enjoyed the chicken Tony still wasn't sure about how it had come off so well. After the last bite had been swallowed Lynnie asked her father whether they could watch 'The Lady and the Tramp' once again, since she had fallen asleep the other night before her favorite part was on.

"Let me guess what your favorite scene is, Lynnie." Angela was curious but thought she knew the answer. "Is it where they're suck in the noodle from both ends?" Lynnie nodded. "That's my favorite scene, too."

"We can watch it together and Daddy can make popcorn. We always have popcorn when we watch a movie", Lynnie explained, not knowing that this tradition was already very familiar to Angela.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but I can't stay overnight", Angela told her so en passant as if it was self-evident.

"You can't?" Tony asked surprised but also disappointed. He, too, had pictured the three of them on the sofa, not necessarily watching 'The Lady and the Tramp', but he had presumed they would spend the entire weekend together. This unexpected turn showed him once again that the way back to Angela's heart was a rocky one.

"No, I have to attend an advertising matinée tomorrow morning in the city and I'll give a speech. All the documents I need are in my apartment. I have to go home tonight. I'm sorry." It felt like a stab in Tony's heart that she called her apartment 'home', so obviously this was not her home; she felt like a guest among them.

"Isn't it a bit late to drive all the way to New York?" It was his last attempt to keep her from leaving. But she was determined and the advertising matinée was only half the truth. Angela had become spooked about the undertow which kept dragging her closer and closer to Tony and Lynnie. Not that it was unthinkable to share their lives with them; to the contrary, it was a heart-warming idea and that was exactly what was scaring her. She wasn't ready to demolish her wall of defense yet, the wall which she had build to shield her soul from further hurting. Tony's amicable attention and Lynnie's childish fondness had caused parts of that wall to collapse in no time as if it was made of foam. Her defense started to weaken and she needed time to sort out the mixed emotions she had been having during the last 24 hours.

"I'm a big girl, Tony. The Jaguar is fully fueled and recently checked through by my favorite mechanic, I know the way from here to my apartment like the back of my hand, so I will be fine. Don't you worry." So much to his last attempt to induce her to stay. She would leave and with her a lot of the easiness which he had enjoyed so much.

"We can watch it next weekend, Angela. It's not rented, it's our own copy. We can watch it any time", Lynnie proposed and Angela was touched by the girl's carefreeness.

"We'll see, Lynnie, okay?" 'Never make a promise you can't keep to a child', Angela reminded herself.

Tony knew what this was all about. He could cuff himself for being so pushy. What if he had scared her away with his stupid playing house as if nothing had happened? If he only knew how to handle this tricky matter, how to disentangle this Gordian knot.

* * *

About two hours later, Angela had hardly closed the door to her apartment, her cell phone started to ring. She fumbled it out of her purse and had a look at the display to check who might be calling her that late on a Saturday evening. Her secretary had her private number and a few of her most important clients, so she hoped it was none of them calling her for business reasons.

It wasn't a business call, which made her let out a sigh of relief, but what she saw on the display instead made her blood run cold: 'incoming call from _home_'! Home? She stared at the flashing letters. Home! She hadn't been called from there in ages. She had even stopped calling it 'home'. It had been 'the house' for the last seven years. Her heart started to beat at doubled speed - no low blood pressure tonight.

She put the phone to her ear and answered the call. "Hello?"

"Angela, what took you so long? This phone must have been ringing for ages! I almost started to panic!"

"Tony?" Angela was thunderstruck about his call.

"I just wanted to check whether you made it home safely. I was a bit worried. And when this phone kept ringing and ringing I already pictured your Jaguar turned upside down somewhere at the roadside!" He really sounded a bit stressed-out.

"I'm fine, Tony. You know I'm not a speeder. And it's quite a distance from the parking garage to my apartment." She hadn't intended to worry him, it hadn't even come to her mind he could be worried about her. She had completely forgotten the sensation of being someone others worry about. And now that this feeling slowly sneaked back into her conscience, it uplifted her in a way she never thought possible. She felt cherished. There was someone - someone other than her mother - who cared for her. What a great feeling that was! Great and scary at the same time! Enjoying someone else's attention also meant to become vulnerable again, and the day she had to be checked into that hospital because of a nervous breakdown, she had promised herself she would never be emotionally dependent on a man again, let alone Tony. Not out of dislike but out of self-defense. She knew she wouldn't make it through a crisis like this one more time.

"So? Are you home safely?" Because he had called her mobile number he didn't know where exactly she was.

"Yes, I just locked my door."

"Good."

An awkward silence developed between them, being particularly awkward on the phone, but neither of them showed the slightest indication to end the call. Finally, Tony couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Angela? Are you still there?"

"Yes."

"I ... enjoyed the day very much", he started timidly. He knew he was walking on thin ice.

"Me too."

"Uh, ... would you like to repeat it, I mean spending the weekend with Lynnie and me?" he asked cautiously, his shaking voice disclosing his apprehension. He could almost hear the ice cracking underneath him.

Angela only took a deep breath at the question and sighed. She had no idea how to answer it. She neither wanted to disappoint him nor raise hopes she couldn't meet. So she said nothing.

"Angela?"

Still nothing.

"Angela, don't let me starve here! Did I do something or say something to scare you away? Please, talk to me!" he begged, not caring anymore that he might break through the ice completely.

She noticed the insecurity in his voice and felt sorry for him. It wasn't fair to leave him in the dark about her feelings; her good feelings as well as her bad ones. "Uhm, Tony, ..." Angela cleared her throat. This wasn't easy. She was glad they were talking on the phone because standing in front of him and seeing his features change from expectation to disappointment would be too hard. "It was a very nice day and Lynnie is a great girl. It's been a long time since someone dragged me away from my desk in order to spend the afternoon with me. I enjoyed the pizza and the stroll through the woods and your delicious cooking. And the fact you called to check whether I made it home safely ... well, ... uhm ..." Her voice broke. Various emotions were overwhelming her and her voice quit the service. She was still standing in the middle of her apartment in her coat, briefcase in hand and her purse across the shoulder. She walked the few steps to the white leather couch and let herself flop onto it without even thinking of taking off the coat. She even still held on to her briefcase.

"You enjoyed it, but? There is a 'but', isn't it?" He knew why she had stopped talking. After enumerating all the nice things she had enjoyed, she still had to tell him what she hadn't enjoyed. His empathy hadn't deceived him. She had been tense at times, uneasy and not as carefree as he had wanted her to be.

"But ... things are moving too fast for me. As much as I enjoy having you back in my life, Tony, I can't pretend the years you were with Kathleen hadn't happened. I'm sorry." She let out the breath she had been holding during her last sentences.

"I understand", Tony said bleakly and discouraged. "What do you want me to do?"

'Please, don't ask me to leave you alone!' Tony prayed silently. He closed his eyes in anticipation of her answer.

Angela took a deep breath. "Don't expect me to be in Fairfield every weekend. Don't expect me to forget your years with Kathleen. Give me time to sort out my emotions and let me set the pace. Patience, ... I need you to be patient." Angela sounded clear and definite, her voice was firm but also friendly. "I can't promise you anything, Tony. I don't know whether we will be able to work things out. All I can tell you is that I'm willing to give it a try."

Tony opened his eyes, he thanked God for answering his prayers. She hadn't asked him to leave her alone. His worst nightmare would've come true, had she banished him out of her life. But she hadn't. She had said she would try to work things out. Good! Very good! He clenched his fist, like he had always used to do after one of his legendary home runs, only that this felt much better. Her saying that there was still hope for them was far more important than every home run he had ever hit.

"I can live with that", he said into the phone with a warm voice.

"Good." Angela started to relax. It was finally out. What she had wanted to tell him ever since he had showed up in her life again was finally out. Now that the fronts had been clarified between them, they could continue to rebuild their friendship. Whether she would ever dare to love him again she didn't know but she was willing to find out. She leaned back at the back rest of the couch and smiled into the phone.

"Good night, Tony. And thank you for caring for me."

"You bet, Angela. Good night to you, too. Sweet dreams. And good luck on your advertising matinée tomorrow. I hope it's worth sacrificing a Sunday." He also smiled into the phone.

"Thank you. Bye."

"Bye."

Angela pushed the red button on her cell phone and Tony put the receiver back on the hook. Both poised a moment without moving, trying to process what had been said between them. Both were relieved but also in an upbeat mood. They hadn't been in sync like this for almost seven years.


	22. Part Three - Chapter 22

_**Author's note:** The plot thickens, like Mona said in the episode "The Anniversary". Thank you again stayathomemum for your ideas and proofreading services._

* * *

**22**

Tony had planned to surprise Angela with a family dinner. He had let Mona, Samantha and Jonathan in on his plan and everybody encouraged him to continue organising the evening. It would be just as it used to be before he had married Kathleen. Only that one more person would be joining them at the table - Lynnie.

Tony had hit every available cookbook in order to figure out the perfect menu. After days of browsing through countless magazines and books he had decided to cook what he could do best - Italian cuisine. So he would start with a light tomato soup, followed by linguine alla vongole - for sure, and completed with an extra-rich tiramisu following his great grandmother's recipe. He had gone to a well-known Italian supermarket downtown New York for the best ingredients, had prepared the pasta dough a day in advance, had thoroughly chosen the corresponding wine and had polished the silver cutlery. The evening had to be perfect! He had asked Angela as casually as possible whether she would join Lynnie and him on Friday night for dinner and had sent a silent quick prayer to heaven she might promise to come. When she had accepted his invitation he had hardly managed to suppress a joyful cheer.

Friday afternoon Tony started with his dinner preparations. He had already been busy in the kitchen for the last five hours when Sam sneaked in through the back door.

"Dad", she whispered, "is the coast clear?"

"Yes, Sam. Come on in. Angela is in the living room reading the paper. I told her not to come in here until I'm done. I'm still not through with my preparations." He sounded a bit stressed. The kitchen looked like a battlefield; flour everywhere, dirty saucepans, herbs and spices all over the place and the stove was covered with red tomato spots.

"Dad! I haven't seen this kitchen in chaos like this since aunt Rosa cooked in here!" Sam shook her head.

"Try the soup!" He hold a wooden spoon out to her and stared at her, anticipating impatiently her answer.

"Hmmm, that's delicious! Spicy but sweet." 'Just as Angela's and my relationship', Tony thought.

"It has to be perfect, Sam! I want this evening to be perfect!"

Sam pulled out a chair and sat down. She had come a bit earlier because she wanted to talk to her father alone and in quiet before dinner. She had been on an oceanographic research ship. After graduating from college with a degree in marine biology she had been offered the opportunity to go on an expedition through the Arctic Ocean to study the mating behavior of humpback whales. So she had been away and unreachable for the last three months and hadn't been updated yet on how her father proceeded on his mission to win back Angela.

"How is it going with Angela, Dad? We haven't spoken since I returned from my expedition last week."

Tony interrupted his cooking for a moment and turned around to her. His face, which had been lit with pleasant anticipation before, suddenly looked troubled.

"Not exactly as I hoped. She's very hesitant and backpedals even more than I ever did."

"I told you, Dad, she needs time. Did you kiss her again?"

"Uhm, ... " He still wasn't used to talking to his daughter about his love life. But she was his only confidante in this matter; there was no one else to confide in. "Yes, with her consent I have to add! I think that only when I kiss her is she able to drop her apprehensions and just enjoy being with me. But when we pull apart I can see uncertainty in her face and it drives me crazy every time. How can I convince this woman I'm serious about this?"

Sam patted Tony's shoulder. "I bet she knows. Maybe she's not so uncertain about you but rather about herself. You know her, Dad. She's not the person who jumps into a love affair without thinking."

"This isn't just an affair, Sam! This is serious, damn serious! And there is a difference between thinking and analyzing something to death! Well, she asked me to be patient, so I guess I have to be patient." He checked the linguine on the stove, smiled contentedly, and continued. "We spent some beautiful days together though. We take long strolls in the woods, we visit museums, we go to the movies, and I even took her to the ballet! And she's really nice with Lynnie ..."

"It's wonderful that you moved out here, Dad. It's a great place for a little girl to grow up. I sure liked it!" Sam smiled at Tony. "What did Kathleen have to say about it? Did she agree?" she wondered.

"Not really! She told me she wouldn't care what I did but that she wouldn't want Lynnie to live here." Tony shivered thinking of the unpleasant conversation with his ex-wife. Then he shrugged this shoulders. "But, she doesn't really have a saying in this matter. Although we share custody, I have the right to determine where her residence is because she lives with me. So ... Lynnie's residence is here!"

"What are her visitation rights?" Sam wanted to know.

"She spends every second weekend with Lynnie. She's together with her boss now, this dude of an investment banker. I told her to pick Lynnie up tomorrow at noon. Angela will be in the office for a meeting with a client. I definitely don't want the two of them to meet!" He let out a distressed laugh.

They heard a car pull into the driveway with screeching brakes.

"That must be Jonathan", Sam said rolling her eyes. "Why do men always have to show off? As if we were impressed by such a childish behavior?" She shook her head. Only seconds later the back door opened and Jonathan greeted both of them with a boyish grin on his face.

"Hi there! I parked my car right behind yours, Tony. You don't mind that I blocked you, do you?"

"Hello, Pal. Good to see you. I hope your mother hasn't heard you. She's in the living room. I told her not to come into the kitchen because I want to surprise her with the food. She doesn't know of course that the company she will be having with the food is supposed to be a much bigger surprise. I hope this works, Guys." Tony wasn't really sure whether Angela would be happy about his surprise or rather feel pushed into a family dinner situation against her will.

"Relax, Tony! Mom will be delighted, I'm sure. I know her longer than you!" he teased him. "Sam, how was your expedition to the whales?" Sam and Jonathan had never lost contact during the years their parents' friendship had been put on ice. They had helped each other through the most difficult stages and had never stopped seeing each other as brother and sister.

"Hey, Kiddo!" She still called him like this, although he was taller by a few heads than she was. Teasing him had been part of the fun of having a brother so she had never quit doing so. "It was a great experience. I'm glad you convinced me to go for marine biology when I wasn't so sure about it. Thanks again. How is Harvard?"

"I'm still working on my doctorate. It's a bit more demanding and time-consuming than I thought. But it's fun and I really like my dissertation adviser. She's a woman!" He blinked.

Tony interrupted the kids' light chat because time began to run out for him to get everything ready and he needed them to help. "Guys, would you mind giving me a hand here? Sam, you have to stir the soup and don't let it scorch! Jonathan, you can open the wine and pour it into the decanter to let it breathe. Everything has to be perfect."

"Yes, Dad, you said that already. Don't freak out! Everything's gonna be fine", Sam tried to calm her father. It was kind of cute though that he was so nervous about the evening. 'Like a lovey-dovey teenager!' she thought amused.

* * *

Angela was sitting on the couch in the living room. She enjoyed that delicious smell coming out of the kitchen and was in a great mood anticipating Tony's marvellous cooking. She had no clue that Sam and Jonathan were already hiding in there. Mona had been cajoled into keeping her away from both the kitchen and the dining room and she had gratefully agreed because she had planned to talk to Angela alone before dinner anyway. She silently slipped into the living room through the back door, tiptoed all the way to the back of the couch, had to suppress a giggle at the sight of Angela being sunk in the newspaper, and couldn't help but release a loud "Boo!" next to her ear.

Angela made a jump and gasped for air. "Mother!" Mona cried with laughter. Why was it always so easy to make her jump?

"Hello, Dear! How are you?" Mona asked as if she didn't know what had upset her daughter.

"Good, until _you_ showed up", Angela said, still annoyed by her mother's childish prank.

"Lighten up, Angela! It was just a joke." She grinned at her daughter and Angela couldn't but smile back to her. After more than forty years she should have grown accustomed to her mother's unpredictable behavior.

"Alright, alright. Good to see you, Mother, but what are you doing here?"

"Do you really think Tony can cook such deliciously smelling food without luring me into your house? I'm having dinner with you, Angela." Mona didn't want to spoil Tony's surprise so she pretended to have come uninvited.

"I don't know whether Tony has cooked enough for four", Angela tried. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to have her mother around. Tony and her still weren't completely at ease with each other and her mother observing them the entire evening at the table didn't sound particularly pleasant.

"Nonsense! He's Italian! He always cooks for a busload of people." She let herself fall onto the sofa right beside Angela. There were some important questions on her mind she wanted to get answers for. And as always, beating around bush wasn't her style.

"How is it going with you and Tony, Dear?"

Although Angela wasn't in the mood at all to discuss their complicated relationship with her, she also knew that Mona would never let her off the hook until her curiosity was satisfied.

She sighed. "I don't know really, Mother. We do a lot of fun things together, and Lynnie is really cute. Sometimes I almost forget that he's been away for so long but then, unexpectedly, the pain returns and all I want to do is to run away from him. It's tough." Another sigh. "On the one hand, I want to be with him, on the other, I don't. It seems as if I can't live with nor without him."

"Did he kiss you?" And again - no beating around the bush!

"Mother!"

"Okay, he did!" She raised her eyebrows and grinned at her. Angela's angry indignation showed her clearly and precisely that she indeed had hit the target.

Angela gave in. "Yes, he did."

"Did you enjoy it?" Mona ignored her daughter's depreciating stare. "Did you?" she asked even more firmly.

"Yes, I did." Angela mumbled at first, then she looked at her mother and decided to confide in her. "Yes, Mother. I did. Very much so. He's a great kisser! And I can feel his love through his kisses."

"What's your problem then?"

"My problem is that I just can't forget he's been with _her_ all these years. That he had once chosen another woman over me. What kind of guarantee do I have that he won't do it again?"

"None!" Mona slid a little closer and put her arm around Angela's shoulder. "There is no such thing as a guarantee in love. At a certain point, you have to take a chance."

Angela knew she was right but taking a chance was so damn difficult! She never again wanted to feel as miserable as after Tony had abandoned her for Kathleen.

"Are you sexually attracted by him, Angela?" Amazing how Mona could always up the ante.

"Mother!" Angela sighed. "Do you really think this is any of your business?"

"As a matter of fact I think it is! You're my daughter and I'm worried about you. And since you decided not to talk to a shrink you might as well talk to me!" Mona stated as if nobody could contradict this line of logic. "So, do you want to sleep with him?"

'What have I done to deserve such an unyielding mother?' Angela asked herself. But it didn't matter anymore, she could as well tell her everything. She entwined her fingers and admitted, "Mother, during the time before he had gotten involved with Kathleen, there have been several occasions I would have gone to bed with him, had he taken me. But he never did! He always recoiled."

"What about now?" Mona asked gently, squeezing Angela's hand.

"It would be such a major step in our relationship. Like a point of no return. Sleeping with someone is a commitment, I can't do it just for fun ... like you." Angela was close to tears now.

"You're right. Getting intimate would be a major step, but isn't it in _every_ relationship? You've taken these steps before, although with a lot less men than I would have wished ..." She grinned her well-known mocking grin. "But try to see it this way, Angela; you've got a second chance with the love of your life. I wished someone would give me a second chance with your father." Angela turned her head and looked into her mother's sad eyes. She had never seen it from this perspective.

"Since when are you such an effervescent fountain of indefinite wisdom, Mother?" Angela asked surprised.

"I've always been, my dear daughter. I've only been hiding it!"

Both smiled, then laughed and shared a long, compassionate hug.

* * *

Tony's fears, that having a family dinner like in the old days would catch Angela off guard, proved to have been unnecessary; she was having a ball! She had embraced Samantha, whom she hadn't seen or talked to for quite some time, she had almost squeezed Jonathan to death, whom she hadn't expected to come all the way from Boston, and she wasn't even bothered her mother was sitting at the dinner table. The dining room was filled with joyous chattering and everybody was praising Tony for his delicious food.

"Oh Tony, you have once again outdone yourself! Linguine alla vongole - my favorite. Thank you so much!" Angela gratefully beamed at him.

"You're more than welcome, Angela. This is a special evening. It's the first time we're all together since-", Tony bit his tongue. 'What are you saying, you moron? Do you want to spoil everything? Keep your stupid mouth shut!' And he was right. From one second to the next a gloomy silence fell over the party. Angela almost choked on her second serving of tiramisu. It was Lynnie who unintendedly lightened up everybody's mood again.

"Daddy, where is the love potion you said you would put into the tiramisu? I can't find it."

For a short moment every adult at the table held the breath and a needle could have been heard dropping to the floor. Tony had to fight a sudden attack of sweating; he hadn't noticed Lynnie, overhearing his soliloquy in the kitchen while preparing the dessert. It was Angela who first burst into laughter. What a droll child she was! Then everybody joined in, except Lynnie, who didn't understand what had been so funny about her question.

"What? Why is everybody laughing? I've never had love potion, I don't know what it tastes like", she defended herself.

"You'll find out, Sweetheart", Tony calmed his daughter, "I'm sure someday a nice guy will make you try." He stroked her hair and smiled at her. He turned to Angela and their eyes locked. 'Love potion?' she mouthed and raised her eyebrows. Tony was a bit embarrassed but as soon as he realized she was taking it positively, he was glad Lynnie had blurted out his little secret. So after this short interruption, chattering started again and everybody was having a good time until all of a sudden the doorbell rang.

Silence at the table and everybody looked at each other in surprise. Who could that be?

"Another surprise guest, Tony?" Angela asked and before Tony could react she jumped off her chair, rushed through the living room to answer the door. She candidly opened it and almost dropped dead ... Kathleen! She was standing right in front of Angela for a moment, then rushed past her into the living room without even being asked in, saying "I came to pick up my daughter for the weekend!". Angela hadn't moved one bit. She still stood at the door facing the spot where Kathleen had just been standing a few seconds ago. 'Is this really happening?' She shook her head and turned around in slow motion.

"Kathleen", was all she could utter with a flat voice. She had never wanted to see that woman again and now she was standing in her living room as if she belonged there and was ruining a family dinner which had been perfect until this very moment.

Tony and the rest of the family had joined them and everybody's jaw dropped. Everybody's except Lynnie's.

"Mom!" she happily exclaimed. "I thought you would pick me up tomorrow. You have to taste Daddy's tiramisu, there's love potion in it!" Angela closed her eyes. 'No, this can't be happening!' Tony silently prayed for a hole to open underneath and swallow him up. Only Mona was kind of looking forward to how the situation would develop. 'The drama finally reaches its climax', she thought. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later, she knew, now Tony and Angela _had_ to be clear about how to proceed with their relationship. And of course Mona never minded witnessing a good interpersonal drama.

Sam was the one who reacted the fastest. "Come on, Lynnie. Jonathan and I help you pack your bag for your weekend stay with your Mom. Let's go upstairs." She took the girl by the hand and motioned to Jonathan to follow. As soon as the three of them had vanished into the hallway at the top of the stairs, Tony began to tackle Kathleen about her unexpected visit.

"Kathleen, I thought we scheduled the pick-up for tomorrow at noon. Why did you come tonight?" That had been the one and only situation Tony wanted to prevent; an encounter between his ex-wife and his present woman of desire.

"I can see my daughter whenever I want." Kathleen stated confidently.

"No, you can't! We have a visitation settlement and I want you to stick by it! How dare you-"

He just was about to start an argument when Mona was dragging him away in the direction of the kitchen. "Come on, Buddy, we start doing the dishes. Let the two ladies figure that out." She knew this would be a healing confrontation for Angela. It was an opportunity for her to let out all the resentment and anger she had bottled up for such a long time. Now was the moment she could repay all the mistreatment and humiliation Kathleen had been imposing on her for the last seven years. She also knew that Tony, armed with only poor conversational skills as is every man, would get caught in between these two battle axes.

Kathleen didn't waste any time. As soon as Mona and Tony were gone, she tore into Angela.

"So, Angela", she started in a mocking tone, "I see you have your old housekeeper back!" She looked through the living room as if to evaluate the quality of his work.

"My housekeeper's name is Barbara." Angela stated shortly. 'Keep cool, Angela! Don't let her provoke you!' she told herself.

"You can have Tony, I don't care anymore about him, but if you think you can also have my daughter, you're barking up the wrong tree!"

"I would never take away a child from its parent ... contrary to you!" There was _her_ first shot!

Kathleen looked away for a second, then gathered her strength again and pulled another arrow out of the quiver.

"Do you really think rehashing an old love is such a good idea?"

"I don't think that this is any of your business, Kathleen." Angela was surprised how calm she still was. She had begun to hate this woman over the years and had more than once thought about how she would react, if she ever met her. She had always pictured herself freaking out, shouting, even beating her up, but now she was all cool and composed, in business mode almost. She would hold the upper hand this time!

"I'm going to see my lawyer next week to contest our custody settlement. I want my daughter to live with Barney and me. Barney is a very successful investment banker and earns a lot of money. We can offer Gwendolyn much more in our luxury city penthouse than the two of you in this cozy country house out here", she claimed condescendingly.

"If it wasn't so sad, Kathleen, I'd laugh. As if money was the most important thing within a family. I'm going to tell you something and you'd better listen! If you're going to sue Tony for custody of Lynnie-"

"Gwendolyn! Her name is Gwendolyn!" Kathleen interrupted her sharply.

"Fine! ... If you sue him, I'll give my last dollar if necessary to pay the best family lawyer in the country to represent Tony in court. How dare you use your daughter to blackmail your ex-husband? You know it would break his heart, if he lost her. I didn't know you could be that cruel."

"The way you're defending him speaks volumes, Angela. You wanted him, I always knew it. Tony kept on pretending you were only friends but I knew _you_ wanted more."

"Is that why you had to set a trap for him?" Angela asked hostilely. The assumption that Kathleen had neglected birth control in order to bind Tony had been bothering her all these years like a smarting splinter in her thumb.

"I didn't have to force him to bed, he made love to me out of his own free will", was her sugar-sweet reply.

"You know what I meant, Kathleen. You knew he would marry you if you were expecting a child. He is too decent to leave a pregnant woman alone."

"Oh, now I see what you're trying to imply. That I hitched a child to him. He could've used a condom, if it was so out of his will for me to get pregnant! And even if it were like you said ...", an arrogant smile showed up on her face, "there was nothing you could do about it!"

"Who gave you the right to manipulate people so that they fit into your life planning? I can't believe what you did to Tony and me. You made him abandon our friendship just because you couldn't handle the fact that he didn't care only for you. If you had known him just a little, you would've relied on his faithfulness. He would've never betrayed you. But you wanted to have him completely under your control. What kind of a woman are you?"

"Pugh", was all Kathleen had to say to this, so Angela continued and what she said was even a surprise for her.

"Stop interfering with Tony's and my life, Kathleen! You had him. You had the most decent, gentle, warm and caring man ... and you let him go. Now it's my turn! And you better get out of my way!"

Angela had caught Kathleen on the wrong foot with declaring this openly how she felt about Tony. Contrary to Angela, who still hadn't processed completely what she had just said, Kathleen had instantly taken her words for what they were - a profession of love. She didn't know how to parry this stroke.

"Would you please tell your son to bring down Gwendolyn? I'd like to leave now."

"That's a great idea! And don't you ever dare to show up here unannounced once again. I'd prefer to be elsewhere when you pick up Lynnie. This innocent little girl doesn't have to latch on to how much we dislike each other." She went to the door, opened it and motioned Kathleen to leave. "Now, if you would please leave my house. You can wait in your car. I'll ask Sam to bring out Lynnie as soon as she's done packing her bag."

Kathleen threw back her head, flipped her hair and passed her with parading a great deal of self-confidence. Angela slammed the door right behind her, turned around and leaned against it. She blew out a huge sigh of relief. The tension of the last quarter of an hour only very slowly left her body and mind. This had been tough. But this had been _so_ good! She felt relieved and very pleased with herself. Finally, she had been able to tell her archrival what she thought of her.

"Bravo!" Mona slowly walked through the living room, clapping her hands. "Good job, Dear! I'm very proud of you. I'd call this a very classy, tasteful kick in the ass!" She grinned. "Now, how does that feel?"

"Good, Mother. _Very_ good. You've been eavesdropping I suppose." Angela didn't really mind but she knew her mother too well to assume otherwise. "Tony too?"

"Yes, Tony too. He heard everything you said. He became a bit excited when you said 'it's my turn now' ... what exactly did you mean by that, Angela?"

"I'm not sure. I wasn't really thinking, the words kept bubbling out of my mouth."

"They came out of your _heart_, Angela!" Mona suddenly became very earnest. She now stood right in front of her, looked deep into her eyes, raised one eyebrow and continued in a genuine tone. "This is important, Angela. Listen to your heart. You do have a smart brain but sometimes it's better to turn it off. Earlier you said to me you didn't know where you want this relationship to go. I think deep down you always knew, you were just too afraid to admit it. Now that you've said it loud, you might just as well acknowledge it."

Angela let her mother's words sink in. Was she right? Was what she had spit out in the rage of facing Kathleen been her true feelings or had she just wanted to hurt her? No, she had been too much out of her mind to be able to think straight. The words she had said must have come from her subconscious. 'So ... I think it's my turn. ... Yes, it _definitely_ is my turn now! I deserve a little happiness now, don't I? I've waited thirteen years for this. _Thirteen_ years! Tony will make me happy, won't he? What if he won't? What if he betrays us once more? But I love him! Is love enough? Aaaarghhhh ...' Angela's head was spinning, the thoughts were jumping back and forth between 'I do' and 'I don't'. Her pulse was running and a sudden heat took possession of her body.

"Mother, I need some time of my own. I better retreat to my study. Please tell Tony that I want to be left alone." Mona cast her a troubled look. "No need to worry, Mother. This has been a crazy evening. Give me time to sort it all out."

"Whatever you say, Dear. Just remember, Tony is sitting in the kitchen waiting for you to come out there." Mona shortly stroked Angela's cheek and looked at her reassuringly. Then she watched her daughter on her way through the living room towards her study. 'Don't stay in there too long, Sweetheart!' she pleaded.


	23. Part Three - Chapter 23

**23**

Angela was sitting motionless at the huge window seat in her study, one of the fluffy pillows on her lap, leaned against the wall. She was staring outside into the dark starless night. The evening had taken a crazy turn. everybody had been enjoying this wonderful family dinner which had reminded her of the countless ones they had before Tony- ... oh, how she hated to always think about the time Tony had become involved with that woman. Why wasn't she able to erase this part of her life out of her mind, why did she have to confront it over and over again? What had she said to Kathleen? 'It's my turn now!' Was she really ready to dive into a romantic relationship with Tony? Or had she just said it in order to score off Kathleen? She didn't know. And the more she was racking her brain about it, the more insecure she became. Her mother had told her to listen to her heart. The only problem was that her brain was still talking to her so loud she could hardly hear her heart.

Angela didn't know how long she had been hiding in her den when she heard a soft knock at the door.

"Come in", she said, knowing who it would be.

Tony had become preoccupied when she hadn't come out of her study for hours. He had overheard the fight she had had with Kathleen and had understood every mean bitchiness the two of them had exchanged; not with one ear at the swinging door like Mona, but the women had talked loud enough for him to hear every word in the kitchen. He just hoped Sam and Jonathan had managed to keep Lynnie from getting all this. After Kathleen had left, Mona had told him Angela needed some time alone. That had been hard to accept for him, because he would have liked to take her in his arms. He had never fronted his ex-wife the way she had done these few hours ago. She was a brave woman! And he had been a coward! He had digged himself behind his pretextual honour and responsibility for so long and had felt sorry for himself instead of revolting against the circumstances. He had retreated into his little personal paradise, which had been being Lynnie's father, and had expelled the rest of the world - including Angela. She had confronted Kathleen in a way he should have done years ago and now she was hiding in her study. This couldn't be a good sign.

He had been spent two hours in the kitchen, clearing it from his dinner preparations. It hadn't been this spotless in ages! Then he had taken the laundry out of the tumbler and had folded it. He knew he wasn't supposed to, because it was Barbara's duty, but he had needed something to distract him while waiting. He had tried to read the paper in an unsuccessful attempt to bridge some more time. Ultimately, he hadn't been able to wait any longer. It was past midnight already. Mona had gone to her apartment, the kids had chosen to have a night out and Lynnie was at Kathleen's place. He was all alone and it was driving him crazy. So he had finally decided to knock on the door to Angela's retreat.

"Angela, you okay?" Tony asked. "Sorry for disturbing you, but I started to worry. You've been in here for more than four hours now."

She was still staring outside but eventually turned her head.

"It's okay, Tony. Come here, have a seat." She patted on the window seat. Tony approached and sat down at the other end of the oriel. They looked at each other and Tony was relieved her eyes weren't tear-stained. She hadn't cried obviously. But what had she been doing in here for so long then?

"What is bothering you so much, Angela, that you need to hide in here? I'm sorry she showed up tonight. I had it planned otherwise."

"It's not your fault. She did it on purpose, you know and I know. But this is not the reason why my mind is running amok."

"Is it because of what you said to her?" As always, he could almost read her mind. He had also heard her saying 'it's my turn now' and he could imagine she was as surprised saying it as he was hearing it. And she had alleged Kathleen to have neglected birth-control on purpose. That was a sensitive matter. It was giving him creeps. He had to talk to her about it. 'Come on, Tony. She had the guts to brace Kathleen about it, now you should be able to talk with her.' One more deep breath.

"Angela, how did you know Kathleen cheated on me with birth-control?"

"I didn't, not until tonight though. But I suspected it from the day you told me you were surprised she got pregnant. Remember? You were sitting on the couch in the living room and let me know you would be marrying her." Angela's stomach turned upside down thinking of this horrible evening. "Has it never seemed odd to you that she told you she was pregnant the day you wanted to break up with her? I call that perfect timing! Did it never cross your mind that she might not have gotten pregnant by accident?"

"Actually, for a long time it didn't. How did it cross yours?" Had it been that obvious? Had he been blind?

"Well, Kathleen and I had a few unpleasant encounters. One day she let me know she would find a way to make you focus just on her. And she succeeded! She made you banish everybody else out of your life!" Angela said bitterly. Her lips were nothing but a thin line and she entwined her fingers so hard Tony could hear them crack. She had questioned herself at times how this woman had been able to destroy their six-year friendship in less than a year.

"What is it with you women? This communication you're having past the male part of the population. These vibrations and subtle signals you're sending out and receiving from each other without talking to us men about it." Tony shook his head. He had found out about Kathleen's betrayal in a more blatant way. _He_ had to be rubbed with his nose in it. Tony decided to tell Angela about the day he had learned that his marriage hadn't been built on trust and love but on deceit and seizure. He shivered. He remembered the day as if it were yesterday although it had been a bit more than a year now that he had pushed Kathleen into the decisive argument.

"We were giving Lynnie the best treatment of the best doctor in the country with your money and Lynnie made fast progress. It was forseeable that she would recover completely, although we knew it would take a while. I was so grateful you gave me the money to heal my little girl. I hadn't taken your support for granted, I knew that it was an extraordinary proof of your friendship and a sign of trust I hadn't really deserved." His mouth was so dry he could barely speak. He talked about one of the worst days of his life. "Ever since I had left your house with that cheque in my pocket, I tried to think of a way I could make this up to you. I hadn't been able to think of anything until then but I was sure about one thing - I wanted to bring Lynnie here and introduce her to you. You were her guardian angel, Angela, I wanted you to see that you had given your money for a good cause, and I wanted Lynnie to meet the person who saved her."

Angela watched how Tony crumpled one of the pillows; he was very tense and it was obvious that the recollection of the events caused him pain. Tony hadn't planned to tell Angela what she had just asked him about. It had been a deeply embarrassing experience and he just wanted to forget all about it. But he had sworn to himself that he would answer every question she might have, no matter how painful or difficult the answer might be. He wanted her to know everything; holding back any secrecies wasn't an option at all. Only if he was completely honest, there would be a chance to win back her heart. So he told Angela how he had dreaded to let his wife in on his plan to introduce Lynnie to her, knowing how uptight she still was about his once best friend.

"But you not only saved _my_ daughter but also Kathleen's, so I hoped she might give in and let us go without any ado. That she wouldn't join us was crystal clear." He had preferred to go with Lynnie alone anyway because he had been very unsure about the reunion with Angela, and being forced to thoroughly watch his every word and every gesture because his wife was standing right behind him, hadn't been a very appealing perception.

Tony told Angela how one day he had mustered up his guts to tell Kathleen whom he planned to visit the upcoming Sunday afternoon. She had been bustling about the apartment because of a business trip with her boss to Europe where they would survey some paintings and sculptures for his art collection. She had been packing her suitcase for two hours already. She had been jittery and a bit stressed, it hadn't been the perfect situation for an argument like this, but Tony had neither been willing to postpone it nor to go without telling her. He knew that secrecies in a marriage would inevitably lead to its failure. And since their relation already had some chaps, a secret like this would've jeopardized it even more. 'Let's get over with this.", he had silently said to himself.

* * *

**_About one year earlier in Tony's and Kathleen's apartment._**

"Uhm, Kathleen, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"No! Don't you see I'm busy?" Had she looked at him just for a second, she would've noticed that he was very tense and that the matter didn't allow any delay. But she hadn't looked at him, she had only taken care for her clothes, her shoes and her vanity case. So Tony said facing her back what he would have rather said right into her face. But he was positive he would get her full attention as soon as he uttered his first sentence.

"I take Lynnie to Fairfield this Sunday. We're going to visit Angela." He swallowed hard and held his breath.

Kathleen froze instantly. The nightgown, she had just been folding to put into the suitcase right in front of her, was still in her hand. What Tony saw in front of him looked like a still of a movie. An icy silence had fallen onto the room, Tony could feel it and shivered. She hadn't loosened up a bit about Angela obviously. He had expected an outburst ... and he got an outburst.

Kathleen turned around, very slowly, still holding that nightgown in her hand. She stared at him, her eyes cold but her cheeks burning with rage.

"You _what_?" she shouted in disbelief.

"I want to show and tell Angela what a boon her money was for us, that we used it to make Lynnie walk again", Tony said, calm on the outside, but trying to get his shaking voice under control.

"I don't want _my_ daughter to be in _her_ house! Did I make myself perfectly clear?" Kathleen was screaming, her voice finally cracked.

"But you took _her_ money to let _your_ daughter be treated by the best doctor there was, didn't you?"

Kathleen cringed. She hadn't expected any dissent from his side. For the last years he had never argued with her about this, so she had thought the matter was off the table once and for all. When she had found out that the funds Tony had mobilized for Gwendolyn's treatment came from Angela, her first reaction had been to refuse it. But then she had realized they wouldn't be able to gather such an amount any other way. So she had swallowed her pride and had made a good face to the matter. She loved her daughter and didn't want to see her suffer because of the abysmal dislike she perceived for the donor of the money.

"Well, what are twenty thousand bucks for her? Peanuts! Not more than pocket money. It's not such a big deal as you keep telling me!"

Tony shook his head in incomprehension. Until this very day he couldn't understand why Kathleen wasn't willing to see that it wasn't the amount of money which was so extraordinary about Angela's gesture, but the mere fact that she had given them the money after all. That she had issued him a blank cheque! A blank cheque which he had written out for twenty thousand dollars instead of the fifteen he had asked her for. He had almost thrown up at the bank teller when he had cashed it in because of this immense feeling of shame and guilt. Ironically, Angela had also been nauseous when she had pictured the amount on her bank account statement. Not because she was sorry she had given him a blank cheque, but because it had shown her once more and quite plainly that he was out of her life. None of this would've been necessary, if they had still been friends. Contrary to Tony, she hadn't been able to control her nausea. She had rushed to the bathroom in her agency and had retched her insides out. It had been only a few weeks before her breakdown, her bodily constitution had already been alarming.

"What is it with you and Angela? I've never understood what your problem is", he asked her this openly for the first time.

"You want to know what my problem is? I tell you what my problem is! ... She wanted to steal you from me!" Her voice was shrill and hysteric.

Tony looked at her flabbergasted. "Steal me from you? Why would she want to do that? I was your boyfriend and her friend. She didn't have to _steal_ me!"

"Sorry, but I have to laugh!" Kathleen released a mocking laugh. "Friends! You keep on telling me all these years you were just friends. I never believed you. Maybe _you_ thought you were just friends, but _she_ wanted more. I could read it in her eyes!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Kathleen! Your jealousy is hard to tolerate at times." They were slowly entering a solid marital argument. They had been avoiding the 'A-matter', as Kathleen used to call it, for years. Now that it had been put on the table, neither of them could back off any longer.

"If it was so out of the question for her to want you, then why would she start fighting with me over you?" She looked at him provocatively.

"Fighting?" Tony had no idea what his wife was talking about.

"Yes, fighting! You didn't even realize when she spoiled one of our weekends with her ongoing phone calls. She lulled you with spoiling Samantha with expensive presents and she paid you so much money to make sure you would never look for another job."

"If she really fought so hard for me, like you said, then how come you won?" He challenged her and unconsciously made her feel like a wounded animal in a trap with no way out. Helplessness was an emotion Kathleen couldn't handle at all, it made her overreact and throw overboard all caution at choosing her words. So she told Tony something she had actually never planned to tell him. But she needed to regain the upper hand in this argument so badly!

"Maybe I used more effective weapons!" She looked him straight in the eye, her eyebrows raised. Tony stared at Kathleen, trying to decipher what her eyes were telling him. Then, finally, he almost heard the click in his head when he suddenly understood.

"Oh no!"

Kathleen straightened her back, chin up, chest out, her eyes never leaving his. She was holding his inquisitive gaze and didn't say a word. It still gave her a silent satisfaction having excelled Angela in this game.

"You knew I would marry you if you got pregnant. You told me you would take care of birth-control but you didn't. I can't believe it. You cheated on me!" A cold shudder ran down Tony's spine.

"Well, do you regret it so much that we have our little princess?"

"No, not at all and you know it. I love her just as much as I love Sam. But you betrayed my trust. Did you really think that would be a good base for a solid marriage?" His voice was powerless and disclosed the amount of his consternation.

"I couldn't let her win", Kathleen answered as if she were a child.

"This ain't a game, Kathleen! We're talking about real people here and not about chess pieces on a checkerboard! I stopped being friends with Angela because I thought I owed it to Lynnie and you. That you deserved my loyalty."

"I did!"

"No, you obviously didn't. I could have been your husband and her friend at the same time. What would've been so bad about it?"

"You didn't need her, you had me!"

"But Angela and I weren't only friends, we were family. Do you know how hard it is to lose your family? We were soul mates ..."

"What are the two of us then?" she asked sulkily.

"We are spouses, Kathleen, but we've never been soul mates. Never! And you know it. If you hadn't been working so hard to jeopardize Angela's and my friendship, we might have made it as husband and wife, because contrary to you, Angela has never tried to drive a wedge between you and me. She's accepted my decision to marry you. Can't you see this is why she helped us out with paying for Lynnie's doctors?"

Kathleen loathed the way Tony was talking about Angela - so admiringly, so tenderly, so gratefully. Finally she had enough. She pulled another childish behaviour out of her abundant reservoir and that was the one of escaping from the situation, hoping that the affair would resolve itself over time.

"I don't have time for this any more. I have to catch a flight. It has to wait until I'm back from my business trip." She thought she had ended the discussion with her departure but found herself disappointed.

"No." This time he wouldn't give in. "I will take Lynnie to Fairfield next Sunday and we're gonna thank Angela for what she did for us, whether you like it or not!"

Kathleen turned away from him abruptly, threw the crumpled nightgown into the suitcase she closed directly after that. Then she rushed through the apartment, grabbed her purse and jacket and left without any further words. Tony had followed her but the last thing he saw was the slamming front door. The bang was so loud it went on tickling in his eardrums for a while. He stood in the middle of his apartment and his legs turned to jelly. He stumbled and sat right there, on the floor, in the middle of his living room. He lost all feelings for time and space; what he had heard a few minutes ago turned his world upside down. It challenged the last five years of his life. Was he Lynnie's biological father after all? Yes, he could be sure about that at least. She hadn't cheated on him with his fatherhood. After Lynnie's accident the doctors had been afraid she might lose a kidney and they had tested both parents as possible living donors. Kathleen hadn't qualified because her data hadn't matched Lynnie's to the required extent. But he had been a perfect match which was a reliable sign that they were blood-relatives. And he felt it anyway. He felt the same connection to Lynnie as to Sam; they were both his daughters, he was absolutely sure about that. But beside this certainty everything else was at stake. His married life had been based on a lie. It was too much for him to process and because Lynnie was sleeping over at her friend Emma's house, he decided to drown his despair in alcohol. Getting drunk was so tempting, he emptied half a bottle of scotch and spent the rest of the night huddled like an baby on the floor of his apartment.

* * *

"That was almost a year ago. Needless to say ... I didn't make it to Fairfield that weekend", Tony concluded his story. "I moved with Lynnie to an apartment nearby the following week and filed the petition for a divorce. I knew this was the end. I felt like a gullible, naive idiot! ... And there was no way I could come to your house right after that. It would have been like looking for a consolation prize, as if I was trying to crawl back into the nest."

Then Tony remembered what Angela had said earlier, that she had sensed all this from the very beginning which Tony had found out only five years later. "Why didn't you say anything?" If he had only known before his marriage proposal to Kathleen, if he hadn't married her, if he hadn't stopped being friends with Angela, if-if-if ... - if wishes were horses, beggars would ride! No use in asking yourself what would have happened if ...!

"I couldn't be sure about it and I didn't want to sound like a jealous, resentful love rival. Why haven't you told me earlier about it?" Angela asked.

"You didn't want to sound like a jealous love rival and I didn't want you think I saw myself as a poor, innocent victim."

They looked each other for a long time. Finally, Angela held out her hand to him, which he thankfully took in his. He had to move a little closer to be able to hold on to her, which he didn't mind at all. Angela again stared outside through the window. His hand was so warm and smooth, the way he gently squeezed it was so reassuring and raising so much hope. Maybe this was the right setting to also share one of her demons with him.

"Thanks for telling me this, Tony. I know this wasn't easy."

"Well, I want to be completely honest with you. We've missed seven years of the other, and I think the only way to compensate for it is to tell you everything."

"Speaking of complete honesty ... I also have something to share with you." She swallowed hard. Her pulse rose and her hand got a bit sweaty. She pulled it back and Tony only reluctantly let her go. But she needed her fingers for her all so familiar habit of entwining them to work off her nervousness.

"When you married Kathleen, I told myself I could live with it. I still had you as my friend and that was the most important thing. I had controlled my romantic feelings for you for so long, I could do even longer. Although it was hard for me to watch you having this other life, I knew I still had you by my side. I remember the day Lynnie was born." She smiled at him. "You were so thrilled about her and I was happy for you." She bit her lip. Should she tell him? 'If you want to be completely honest, Angela, you have to tell him', her mind was pushing her. She gathered her strength and told him. "When I closed my eyes, I imagined it was our child you were holding in your arms. I knew that it would never happen though and this was very hard to accept."

When Tony saw how badly Angela's hands were trembling, he reached out for them and gently stroked them. He remembered the day Lynnie was born, of course he did. But he had been so smitten about the delivery of his little whirlwind that he hadn't noticed any of Angela's distress. How could he have been so insensitive? How had she been able to hide it so well? This woman must have had an immense amount of self-control.

"Shall I get you something to drink? A glass of water?"

"No. I'm afraid that if I stop now, I won't muster up the guts once more. Let me continue."

"Okay." He sat a little closer, let go of her hand once again, but established physical contact by laying his hand on her arm.

After a short pause, another swallowed-away lump and with a constant growing feeling of nausea Angela continued with her story.

"When you stopped being friends with me, my world collapsed. I knew why you did it and I wasn't angry with you. I was just sad. For a long time I hoped you would come back, that Kathleen would relax about us. I mean, there never was anything she had to be jealous about, at least nothing ... uhm, nothing physical. What we had was so special, I knew I would never find another person with whom I could become anywhere as close as I had been with you. My strategy to deal with all of this was to put my life on hold and wait for you."

"You're kidding, Angela." Tony couldn't believe what she was telling him. "I've had no idea. You appeared strong as a rock. I was amazed by the way you took it. You didn't even cry!"

"Yeah, good old Angela Bower, always strong and invincible", Angela said sarcastically. "I didn't want you to see how I was suffering or crying. I didn't want anyone to see. Someday my body and mind showed me unmistakably that I hadn't dealt with this in a very healthy way. I had to be checked into a hospital after having broken down in a restaurant."

She expected Tony to be surprised in some kind, to ask her what had happened, but instead there was nothing like this to be read on face. She frowned. Tony inhaled deeply through his nose and simply stated, "I know."

"You know?"

"Yes, you were checked into the same hospital where Lynnie got her physio. I accidentally ran into Michael at the reception desk while waiting for one of her sessions to be over."

"You saw Michael?" Angela was aghast.

"Yes. We had a cup of coffee at the cafeteria. He told me everything."

"Everything? He told you everything? What everything?" She was very upset now. She brushed away his hand from her arm and looked at him incredulously.

"Well, ... that you had dinner to talk about Jonathan's future the evening before, and that you planned to have lunch at the Russian Tea Room that day, but that you fainted there."

"Oh, _that_ everything?"

"What do you mean _'that' _everything? Is there another everything?"

"No! No, there isn't." A slight dizziness slowly came over Angela's body.

"You wouldn't believe what I asked him, Angela. I was a bit apprehensive you were together again - I mean dinner, lunch - so I made this stupid remark, you know ...", he laughed, "... 'no sex with your ex' ... uhm, just to make sure you weren't together again. You understand?" He chuckled a bit at the thought, still embarrassed by such an inappropriate joke, which actually had never been his style. The more surprised he was when he saw Angela's dumbfounded face. She stared at him, flushed, her cheeks crimson red, then she closed her eyes and tried to get her breathing under control in order to prevent hyperventilating.

"I know it was a silly remark, but ... what?" He didn't understand anything. He looked at her absolutely clueless and bewildered, but then, suddenly, the last penny dropped.

"Oooooh no! It wasn't so silly after all, was it? He _did_ have sex with his ex! You slept with him! How could you?" He knew he should have bitten back the last question as soon as it had left his mouth. Angela's eyes turned ice cold. If looks could kill, he would be a dead man.

"How dare you comment on whom I slept with! Especially _you_! Of all the people who are so bold as to comment on it, _you_ have the least right to do so!"

"I'm sorry, Angela. I - am - so - sorry. I deeply apologize. You're right, you're absolutely right. I can't tell you how much I regret what I just said."

Angela shook her head with closed eyes. These recollections were so painful and she wasn't sure whether she could really handle them. She felt dizzy, and hot, and nauseous; just like on that day, that day in the Russian Tea Room. She had to watch herself, she didn't want to faint right in front of Tony's eyes. But she wanted him to know what he did to her. He ought to know!

"I hadn't been ... together with someone for a long time. I felt so alone and rejected, not desirable."

Tony couldn't believe his ears. Angela - not desirable? He had been secretly desiring her all these years. But what had hit him marrow-deeply was 'rejected'. He knew by whom in particular she had felt rejected. Him! But didn't she know that he hadn't wanted to abandon her? That the course of events had forced him to? He wasn't a victim of circumstance here, he knew. He had made that decision to start an intimate relationship with Kathleen, she had become pregnant and then there had been no way out of it anymore. He had rejected Angela in Jamaica, too. Not because he hadn't loved her but because he had been so insecure about himself. She had understood, she had told him so! Then he had gotten involved with another woman. That must have felt like the worst rejection. He hated himself for having treated her that way.

"And Michael was in a similar stage in his life. His wife had just left him for a rock-musician, a younger rock-musician. His self-esteem also was low and he yearned for someone out there who desired him ... just like me. So, one thing led to another and we gave each other the compassion we were both missing so much. The next morning, it felt so surreal to wake up in Michael's arms. At first, I thought I could consider it as over and done with as it was only a one-night stand. We were both adults, we both wanted it, nobody got hurt ..."

Angela looked at Tony, openly and honestly. She wanted to tell him this, she wanted him to know what their separation had done to her, how she had suffered. Maybe then he would understand why she couldn't just let herself fall into his arms again despite the deep feelings for him which had never really subsided.

"... but in that restaurant ... boy, I lost the complete control over my body. Everything went dark from almost one second to the other. Usually, I hate it when I'm not in control but in this situation it had been so relieving to just let go, to retreat into the dark and quiet. In the hospital, I only wanted to sleep and nothing else. It was Mother who dragged me out of my self-pity. She took me to a spa far away from New York after I had been released and we had a good time. I think we had never been so close before, not even after my father's death."

There! Now it was out! Angela took some more deep breaths with closed eyes. She began to feel better. Her nausea subsided, her pulse got back to normal and her hands stopped trembling. No, she wouldn't faint tonight. But when she looked at Tony, she was afraid he might faint instead. He looked terrible.

"I did that to you?" he asked hardly audible. His voice was hoarse and finally broke. 'No wonder she shields her heart from me', he thought.

"In a way, yes. But part of it was also my fault. I should've talked to someone instead of burying everything deep down in my heart. I should've confided in someone. My mother. A shrink. ... You. ... But my strategy was to numb my pain with work and show everyone how strong I was. Stupid!"

Tony took Angela's hands in his again.

"Your hands are freezing cold, Angela!"

"They always are when I'm emotionally on edge."

He rubbed them and the warmth slowly returned.

"Thank you for telling me. I see it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for you to tell and it wasn't easy for me to hear. But I'm glad you told me. Now, I understand even better why you were so reluctant to let me back. Unbelievable you did after all! Thank you for your courage to give me another chance. I will never - ever - make you feel that way, Angela. I swear by my mother's grave. I love you, Angela. I always did. And I'm sorry for the years I couldn't show you."

Angela could see how earnest he was and she suddenly felt confident that they indeed could make it. What they had just shared with each other, their innermost emotional distress, connected them in way they had been connected before all of this had happened.

"Angela, I want us to date. Officially, I mean. Really date. What do you say?"

Tony couldn't read anything in her eyes. They looked at him, deep and chocolately brown, warm and kind. They were sucking him in like a black hole in space.

"Okay", she finally said silently.

"Okay?" he checked whether he had heard right.

"Yes."

"Okay! Great! So, next Saturday I take you out on a date!"

Tony jumped off the window seat, smiled an ear-to-ear smile which couldn't be any brighter and left behind a woman who for the first time in ages looked ahead with a positive feeling.


End file.
